When you turn on any regional network, you’re bound to see plenty of local commercials. Due to the small budget many of these companies have, these commercials are usually pretty awful. Whether it’s poor acting or ridiculous dialogue, these commercials are sometimes so bad they are unintentionally hilarious.
Two Brothers Scrap Metal
The commercial starts out with an all too familiar situation: two teenage girls trying to figure what to do with their scrap metal. What an age-old conundrum!
I’m willing to bet the guy in the commercial is one of the brothers that make up 2 Brother’s Scrap Metal and the two girls are his daughters. My guess is this is probably how the idea came about…
Dad: Hey girls. I’m thinking of making a commercial for the family business which will be played on local television repeatedly for two years straight to the annoyance of New Yorkers everywhere.
Girls: Cool Daddy! Can we be in it!
Dad: Sure! Anything for my girls! Let me just come up with an idea.
(Weeks go by as Dad ponders script)
Dad: I’ve got it! Vicky, you complain to Jan about all the scrap metal you have lying around, Jan will ask me for advice and BOOM, I hit you with some knowledge in a thick New York accent, while I’m watching television! BRILLIANT! This is Oscar worthy! Let’s film it right now in our kitchen!
The Slomin’s Shield
The Slomin’s Shield sells home security systems and has a reputation for cheesy commercials. This recent number tops the list.
There are three “vignettes” in this commercial, with each showing what life is like without the Slomin Shield and what it’s like with it. It is a trifecta of horrendous acting. I’ve seen school plays with better acting than this.
Why is this man so excited to have three vibrators?
A thoroughly ridiculous commercial for a vibrator by Trojan called the Triphoria. In the commercial, a bride-to-be is at a bridal shower when she discovers that three of her friends all bought her the same vibrator as a gift. This part of the commercial is kind of funny but it’s not really the part that confuses me. (Although the fact that I saw this commercial multiple times on Christmas Day is confusing enough. God knows how many small children saw this during the Star Wars marathon on Spike. I can only imagine those conversations: “Mommy, what’s a vibrator?”)
At the very end of the commercial, the woman goes back home to tell her fiancé the exciting news: that she got, not one…not two…but three vibrators!
Check out the fiance’s reaction to this news…
Why is this man so excited that his future wife received three vibrators!?
If anything, that should be bad news for him. If this vibrator is as good as advertised, she may not need her man anymore. Even if they decide to use one to spice up their sex life from time-to-time, why is he so excited to have three? She only has one vagina! Do they run through vibrators super fast and like to have a couple back-ups just in case? Does he plan on using one on himself somehow? Are they planning a gang-bang?
Mo Money Taxes
I personally would never trust my taxes to a company called “Mo Money Taxes,” and this commercial does nothing to quell my fears.
Now someone viewing this commercial might say “But John, this commercial isn’t unintentionally funny. It’s trying to be funny!”
Yes, it is trying to be funny. BUT it is funny for completely different reasons. The company is called MO MONEY TAXES!!! And it’s owned by a number of African-Americans who are doing nothing but adding to a number of southern black stereotypes. There is rap music, pimp cups, flashy cars and—as is the case with any local commercial—bad acting.
I was so intrigued by this company that I had to find out more information. Only when I googled their name, I received a warning from Google that their site may cause harm to my computer. I decided I didn’t want any malware on my computer and did not visit the site.
Then I went further down the results and found some news items regarding Mo Money Taxes. Apparently back in January, a number of customers complained they never received refund checks. Some returns were filled with so many errors, that they were rejected by the IRS.
I then found another news item posted earlier this week about customers in Mississippi who still had not received their tax refunds. Now tax season is over and Mo Money has closed up shop, and these people can’t get anyone to help them.
I honestly don’t feel bad for any of these people. If you saw this commercial and you still trusted these guys with your taxes, than you deserve to lose out on your tax refund.
Two tax return preparers from Mo’ Money Taxes, Erik Pittman and Jeremy Blanchard, both age 35 from Memphis, Tennessee, have been sentenced to prison after pleading guilty to conspiracy to defraud the U.S. and to assisting in the preparation of a false tax return.
The Red House furniture
The Red House is located in North Carolina, which becomes glaringly obvious within the first five seconds of watching this commercial. In an area where racial tensions are high, Red House tries to curb racism while also bringing budget furniture into your home.
Take a look…
WOW… There’s just so much to talk about that I think we need to really dive right in and break this commercial down from start to finish…
0:02: Black guy quotes Rodney King, while sitting in-between two unkempt white men. Apparently nothing brings black people and white people together like a low-end furniture store in North Carolina.
0:06: Two young guys that seem out of place in this commercial sing an annoying jingle. I’m assuming they are college interns who apparently had no clue what they were in for when their advisor set them up at Red House.
0:15: We’re formally introduced to the man on the couch. His name is Richard AKA Big Head (incase you’re wondering what his nickname was). If you didn’t know this already, he works at the Red House and he is black.
0:22: Big Head awkwardly shakes a white woman’s hand. Woman reluctantly obliges as she fears she will be mugged by the large colored man if she does not do what he says.
0:25: We’re introduced to Johnny “Ten-Gauge” who decides to share his hobbies with us. Could you have ever guessed that he would enjoy bass fishing and deer hunting? Also…would you trust this man with a credit check?
0:35: Ten Gauge grabs a homeless black man off the street, offers him a six-pack of PBR if he agrees to appear in his commercial. Homeless man agrees.
0:42: A black woman enters the commercial. After debating where to film this epic scene, they decide that a picture of zebras and giraffes would be the ideal backdrop… and wouldn’t you know it? She’s black and also loves the Red House. Martin Luther King’s dream lives!
0:48: White guy wearing a Charlotte Hornets shirt from 1995 struggles to read his line. He finally gets it some-what right on his 35th take.
0:50: Cue the interns, who if they ever want to get a job will omit this from their resume
0:52: Fat guy in orange fleece continues the trend of awkward physical contact with Big Head
0:57: Big Head jumps on the couch. How great would it have been if he said “Fuck yo couch n-gga!”
1:04: Johnny Ten Gauge hops on a mattress which is adjacent to a stove, a skid and some random boxes. Another great backdrop by the boys from Red House
1:21: Big Head lets us know that “expanic” people also shop there. I’m assuming he means Hispanic. Unfortunately, they could not find any homeless Hispanic people outside their store.
Gary decided the best way to promote his gutter, chimney and roofing company was to do something that has never been done before: A cheesy rap by a white guy attempting to be hip.
So… what are the key ingredients to a cheesy white guy rap commercial? Let’s go down the checklist and see if Gary’s Gutters meets the criteria…
- Middle-aged white guy dressed up in stereotypical black rapper attire from the 1980s? CHECK
- A level of awful dancing that only a white person can achieve? CHECK
- Graffiti writing for the graphics? CHECK
- Lyrics that are cheesy and some that don’t even really rhyme? CHECK
I also enjoyed how he borrowed a line from Sugar Hill Gang’s “Rapper’s Delight”… probably because it’s the only rap song he actually knows.
Mayor Nick Sacco
More white people trying to rap. This one features North Bergen, New Jersey Mayor Nick Sacco pushing a rap video in an effort to get re-elected. I apologize in advance for this song being in your head the rest of the day.
Car dealership threatens to kill you, you asshole
You’d buy a car here, you schmuck. Just don’t bring your wife, they’ll fuck her. GUARANTEED.
I’ll admit this stretches the definition of “unintentional” a little bit, but I just had to include it.
Great Neck Nissan
Joe Valentino, the owner of Great Neck Nissan, is really excited to tell people how they can get FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS CASH if customers find a better deal. In fact, he’s so excited that he’s going to continue to scream about it throughout the duration of this commercial.
Like a Black Eyed Peas song, this commercial will stick in your brain for hours to come. His voice, if played continuously, would probably make detainees at Guantanamo Bay talk. Once you hear him yelling about FIIIIIIVE HUNDRED DOLLAHHS CAAAASH you will not be able to get it out of your head. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
There are many questions that come to mind when seeing this commercial such as: Why is he yelling so much?…Why is he sticking his middle finger out at us?…and why couldn’t he button up his shirt before he started to film?
However, the biggest puzzle to me is the appearance of the poster hanging over Joe’s right shoulder portraying Lou Holtz coaching at Notre Dame.
Is there some symbolism behind this poster? Does Lou Holtz represent the quality service that Great Neck Nissan can provide customers? Or is Joe Valentino just a big Notre Dame fan?
Whenever I see this commercial, despite Joe yelling in my ear, all I can think about is that Notre Dame poster. What were Joe Valentino’s intentions? It’s like when you’re in high school and your English teacher asks you to assess the symbolism in some classic novel. You wonder if the writer intentionally tried to make the novel symbolic or if the symbolism is purely coincidental.
A writer over at The Slightest expresses some profound thoughts on this mystery as well…
“Where does it all go wrong? It’s not the out-of-place Lou Holtz/Notre Dame poster hanging over Valentino’s right shoulder — even though it’s strange in the way that the poster splits the viewer’s attention between the Nissan logo to Valentino’s left and this piece of Fighting Irish nostalgia on his right, I guess visually it does its part to help frame Joe Valentino. That said, while I understand why Notre Dame is popular — I cried watching Rudy, too! — the Irish haven’t been relevant for quite some time, having lost nine straight bowl games until finally getting their mojo back in 2008′s Hawai’i Bowl; hearkening back to this bygone era seems like a mixed message of sorts.”
Sadly…we may never know it’s true meaning. Joe Valentino, if you’re out there…please enlighten us.
Ps. Support a struggling genius boy wonder artist by buying his highly collectible NFTs.