If you’re anything like us, you’ve raked in a lot of experience almost having sex over the years, and there’s a good chance that you’ve heard almost every sex excuse in the book. But have you ever thought about what all those sex excuses really mean? Well, we have:
“I’m Too Tired.”
This classic excuse is intended to invoke sympathy and compassion. She’ll probably say something about how she has a “big meeting” tomorrow, or about how she “is really sore from the gym today,” and is in no mood to attend Humptoberfest tonight.
What It Really Means: You’ve been slackin’ off in the sack lately, and she’s losing interest. If you had a dog that demanded to be petted before it would let you go to sleep every night, you’d eventually grow to hate that f*cking dog. Now imagine if that dog also wanted to jump on top of you, put its penis inside of you, and paw you all over like a blind bear in a honey factory. Now also imagine that you’re starting to develop a crush on your boss who is richer and more exciting than your old dog, I mean guy.
“I’m On My Period/Forgot to Take My Pill.”
Your girl is relying on your complete ignorance of her anatomy to avoid sexual contact, and she’s doing it for good reason: you know absolutely nothing about the female reproductive system. What the hell does a fallopian tube do? What do periods have to do with moon cycles? Where exactly do babies come from? You don’t know the answers to these questions because while your gym coach was teaching sex education for a week in junior high, you were busy thinking of what embarrassing yet hilarious question you could get the coach to read out loud at the end of class.
What It Really Means: Since this excuse is a tried-and-true favorite, it’s often difficult to discern the real reasoning behind her reluctance to give up the ol’ nappy dugout, but it probably has something to do with the fact that your balls smell like wet garbage. Do something about it.
“I’m Not Ready For That Yet.”
This is an excuse that you should only encounter early in a relationship, meaning within the first three days or so. She’ll present the excuse as if she really does like you. In fact, she likes you so much that she finds herself thinking about you more seriously than she expected at this point, and she just doesn’t want to make the mistake of jumping into anything too fast. Sounds admirable, right?
What It Really Means: She’s buying time until she’s decided if you’re the kind of asshole that she’ll feel the least awkward waking up next to. Just try not to be too much of a dick for the next day or two and see how it goes. Honestly, though, if she hasn’t decided after three days, she’s confused and indecisive and you should just move on.
The good thing about this excuse is that it always comes up right when it’s time to give her the ol’ penicillin injection. She’ll be in your bed, naked, sweating all over your sheets and muting the Star Trek episode that you turned on to set the mood, and then she’ll remember that she has a legally-binding obligation to some other dude.
What It Really Means: Literally, it means that she’s married. For your purposes it means that, if you can keep her where she is for about two or three more hours, you’ll get a pretty good one-night stand out of it and then you’ll never see her again. In other words: it’s perfect.
“You Have to Pay First.”
This is a confusing sex excuse that can mean any number of things. It could mean that you’re soliciting a prostitute. It could mean that you purchased a bride from overseas, and the company is still waiting for your check to clear. It may also mean that you’ve fallen in love with a woman who’s trapped in a vending machine for some reason or another. There are just too many potential meanings to list.
What It Really Means: This is the best sex excuse a guy can get, because it’s the only excuse in which your girl is directly telling you how to gain unrestricted access to her Temple of Doom. With this excuse, she’s very clearly saying: if you give her money, then you will get sex. Sure, getting the money may not be easy, but she’s done as much as she possibly can to make your game plan crystal clear: if you want to have sex with her, you have to give her some money. It’s as simple as that.
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