Posted on: February 2, 2020 Posted by: Malachi B. and Editor Comments: 8

Reddit is one of the largest content aggregation platforms out there, with hundreds of thousands of users and communities. And while Reddit has seen a decline in quality due to its attempts to become PC-compliant, there are still some gold nuggets along the way.

But I don’t recommend anybody sifting through the garbage on Reddit just to find a good thread, so that’s why I’ve compiled the best moments for you right here. These are the 10 most legendary Reddit threads of all time. Warning: gets somewhat NSFW later on.

Playing the same game of Civilization II for 10 years

Reddit user Lycerius, who really loves Civilization II, had the thought that “it might be interesting to see just how far into the future I could get and see what the ramifications would be.” He had that thought 10 years ago and he’s kept his world running ever since.

According to Lycerius, his world map is now a hellish nightmare of suffering and devastation, where the ice caps have melted 20 times, 90% of the world’s population (at its peak 2000 years ago) has died from famine resulting from nuclear wars — which have rendered “vast swaths of the world uninhabitable wastelands” — and the global warming that took away the last remaining arable farm land.

But he was stuck in a serious dilemma: his Civilization II game was trapped in a brutal stalemate between three equally-powerful superpowers, and any attempt at peace or rebuilding is foiled by nuclear vikings.

“The three remaining nations have been locked in an eternal death struggle for almost 2000 years. Peace seems to be impossible. Every time a cease fire is signed, the Vikings will surprise attack me or the Americans the very next turn, often with nuclear weapons,” he writes. “My goal for the next few years is to try and end the war and thus use the engineers to clear swamps and fallout so that farming may resume. I want to rebuild the world. But I’m not sure how. If any of you old Civ II players have any advice, I’m listening.”

Fortunately, other Reddit users came to the rescue with some advice to bring back world peace, including military plans to decimate the opposing nations. For the great good, of course.

Two broken arms

In 2011, one Reddit user revealed that he had a sexual relationship with his own mother as a result of his two broken arms.

“I was injured in an accident at 14 and incapacitated. I went from masturbating 2 times a day to zero. After 2 weeks, I was frustrated and took it out on my parents. My mom and dad knew what was up and talked about my mom ‘helping’ me masturbate,” the son explained.

“It started with her masturbating me. Progressed to her giving me oral and eventually we had sex/made love. It was a slow progression.”

It’s a sickening story, but sickening stories create the best memes. If you’ve been lurking on Reddit for a while, you might notice a reference to “two broken arms” from time to time. Well, this was the origin story.

Never go full potato

When Reddit user NotKnowPotato was invited to dinner with his girlfriend’s parents, he was nervous. This would be the first time he ever met them, and he wanted to come up with a funny joke to make a good impression.

The joke he landed on came to him on his dinner plate. They served baked potatoes, and NotKnowPotato decided that pretending not to know what a potato is would be a good gag. And, in his words, it “backfired in my face.”

He passed on several opportunities to reveal it was just a joke, thinking it would make him look stupid, and stuck with the story. He’s never seen a potato before, nor ever even heard the term. His girlfriend’s father became enraged and eventually kicked him out.

At his wit’s end about the situation, he pleaded with Reddit for some kind of solution, and it was more than happy to help.

Invite your girlfriend to meet your parents. Have your father take her aside and ask if potatos were served at the dinner with her parents. When she says yes, he looks alarmed, mutters something about “wanting to keep them from him” and never mentions the subject again.

When confronted about this horrible joke, insist it never happened with the same level of commitment.

Maybe they will just think you have a brain disorder.

Send them a bouquet of potatoes as an apology.

I’ve been with this sub almost since it’s inception. I follow idiotsfightingthings and TumblrInAction too. This is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever read on this entire website. Why OP. Why.

I’m not trying to be mean. It’s impressive really.

When she tells you she’s breaking up with you, tell her you don’t know what a break up is. Commit to that, and exert your dominance.

Numerous users also bemoaned the fact the situation is never to become a Seinfeld episode, noting that this is some straight up Constanza shit. I feel with them.

The poopknife

“My family poops big,” Reddit user LearnedButt wrote to r/confession in February of 2018, setting up the story to follow. “Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won’t flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.”

He goes on to explain that throughout his entire childhood, his family solved the problem by hanging a poop knife on the hallway wall outside their bathrooms — a rusty kitchen knife used for no other purpose than chopping up turds too big for standard plumbing.

And to him, this was the most natural thing in the world. “You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.” He adds in the replies: “I always ran and fetched the poop knife for dad, and when I was larger, I just cut my own. It just has always been that way.”

So when one day he did a number two at his friend’s place, and called out for the poop knife, he was shocked to discover it’s in fact not something people outside his family do. Also, he learned that his wife — equally ignorant of the poopknife and its foul provenance — had been using his poopknife for normal household chores like opening boxes.

Adding to the credibility of LearnedButt’s story, other redditors shared similar stories in the replies.

I had a roommate in college that had industrial toilets installed in their house bc their family shits huge turds too. When we lived together she would be in the bathroom for hours, she said her shits were as big as chipotle burritos.

My friends sister laid a huge turd in the toilet. She couldn’t get it to flush. So she just casually strolls into kitchen while me and my buddy are watching Friday night videos, and grabs a pocket knife from the junk drawer. Goes back towards the bathroom, my buddy is hey what the eff you need a knife for? So she says the toilet won’t flush. Their dad hears this jumps up and runs down to bathroom and screams who the shit this turd. Which brings mom into the bathroom she freaks out. No all 5 of us are in the throne room in admiration of her magnificent turd. The dad asks what is the knife for and his sister goes it’s what I use to cut them. Yeah that’s what she said.

My family uses a spatula, affectionately referred to as “The Shatula”. Obviously, it stays in the upstairs bathroom, which is the proper place to go for such an event, and we don’t use it in the kitchen.

I was the “poop knifer” in my household. Had it in a zip lock bag inside of a shopping bag with a box of latex gloves in it. I’d disinfect it, or replace it fairly regularly. My mom was not happy when I’d replaced it, since that meant one less butter knife for her, but sometimes, the mental images of what I’d done with that version of the poop knife were too much and I had to get rid of it.

My father referred to this practice of mine as “Crocodile Hunting” … Every. Single. Time that I came out of the bathroom, he’d ask me some variance of “Did you kill any crocodiles today?” Or simply “How was the hunt?”

Reddit turned Spanish

What do you do when you log on to Reddit and everything is in Spanish and nothing happens when you change the language setting? You ask for help, of course.

That’s exactly what a user named SnailFarmer did, but other Redditors decided to troll him by answering his question in Spanish. Replies and discussions poured in — almost exclusively in Spanish.

“So I wake up this morning to about 1500 replies in my inbox that I cannot read,” SnailFarmer wrote. “And then I run them through Google translator and most of them say stuff like ‘the dog is in my pants’ and ‘where is the library.'”

Sad but also funny

A serious Reddit thread quickly degenerated into dark humor after a user lamented his deceased wife.

“You can have sex with one real person from all of human history – who is your ultimate lay?” the original thread asked.

One user gave an emotional and passionate answer.

“I’d like to have sex one more time with my wife who passed away from cancer 9 years ago. My body yearns for hers. The ultimate downside to finding ‘the one’ is she may die young and leave you wanting.”

“I also choose this guy’s dead wife,” Reddit user somethingobscur commented. Their dark humor landed them over 27,000 upvotes.

Documenting a Magic: The Gathering tournament

Magic: The Gathering tournaments have a reputation of being smelly dens full of sexually deviant, obese, hairy men, and Reddit user OB1FBM proved that theory correct. As he explained, ” I participated in one of the biggest Magic: the Gathering tournaments of all time this weekend. In an effort to document it, I posed for pictures near people with exposed asscracks.”

In total, OB1FBM photographed 16 exposed asscracks and his post became the most upvoted post of all time. But it cost him dearly: Wizards of the Coast banned the courageous photo-journalist from their events for a year.

With rice

In November 2014, Reddit user DO_U_EVN_SPAGHETTI created a meme that would permeate throughout the site for years to come.

“What tasty food would be distusting if eaten over rice?” DO_U_EVN_SPAGHETTI asked.  Users responded with thousands of comments, and DO_U_EVN_SPAGHETTI tested and rated some of their suggestions, no matter how strange.

For each suggestion, the rice connoisseur would give a rating to the base food and then add a rating “with rice.”

For example:

Jelly beans: 8/10

Jelly beans with rice: 4/10

Shortly after this thread, “with rice” turned into a meme.

The cumbox

In a thread titled “Throwaway time! What’s your secret that could literally ruin your life if it came out?,” an anonymous user left a puzzling comment.

Cousin died when we were both seventeen. There was a reception at his house just after the funeral. I went into his room and stole all the money that was there, took some other valuables that his parents wouldn’t realize were gone. No one knows that I did it, they just assumed he didn’t have any money in his room, only loose change. I don’t regret it, but I will never admit I did it.

Also my cum box.

When asked to explain what exactly is a cumbox, he was not only happy to elaborate, but also provided photographic evidence:

Well, it is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a shoebox, or at least once was, and whenever I masturbate I cum into it. I’ve had it for two or three years now I think, so it has a fair amount of cum. It smells atrocious, and I tried to burn it once. When I lit it on fire, it was too damp due to the cum that it simply sizzled and didn’t manage to actually lite up. Turns out burning cum smells awful, so I had to spray it with a deodorant body spray just to get the old smell of burnt cum away. It also has some drenched papers stuck to it. That’s pretty much it.

Because people were asking, my greatest shame. [ed: Imgur album, 4 pics]

EDIT 2: A lot of people are asking me, why? Well, I’m apparently a rather disturbed individual. But, it just kind of happened, bought new shoes and needed someplace to cum, used the box. It just escalated from there, kept using it each time, telling myself I would throw it out soon. Never did, two or three years later, I still have it. It was planned or anything, it just happened.

EDIT 3: Fuck, this really exploded. ~20,000+ views of my cum box. Did not expect this.

Edit 4: I often get PMed about updates or current status of the box, generally a few a week. So I might as well update this post, if anyone even gets linked here anymore. Current status, I have created life. Mold has begun to grow in the box and has taken over a fair amount. Smells a bit worse, mainly due to a damper apartment so it does not dry as fast, hence the reason why the mold has begun. New picture.

I will never be rid of my need for it. I hate and love the box, just as I hate and love myself.

Reddit place

Reddit likes to do something fun for the community every April Fool’s Day, and they decided to do something extra special for 2017 — Reddit place.

Reddit place was a subreddit where users could come together and paint a giant mural with the community in real time. Over time, different subreddits took their own little slice of the “place” to show off their community. The result is a masterpiece.

The coconut

Don’t think about it, just take me.

A throwaway account admitted to drilling a hole in a coconut for purposes you can probably can imagine (coconuts are sexy). After doing his business, coconutthrowaway69 would hide the coconut under his bed, ready for the next use.

Further complicating the continued evolution of this semen and coconut juice lubed masturbation device: the boy lived in an area in Northern Mozambique plagued with fly infestations. Can you guess what happens next?

“Huh, this thing smells like it’s rotting a bit, I guess I should shove my dick in it one last time”

Bernie Sanders’ book publicity scheme

There’s no denying that Reddit is head over heels in love with Bernie Sanders. Several users even donated their entire life saving’s in 2016 to his presidential campaign (no, seriously), a great source of hilarious memes at the time.

And Bernie’s career as a life-long anti-capitalist politician has rewarded him handsomely by turning him a millionaire. But enough is never enough. In 2018, Bernie started a Reddit AMA for the sole purpose of selling his book.

Sanders answered a measly 13 questions, including a question about his favorite book.

“My favorite book at the moment is a brand new book that I wrote that will be coming out in a couple weeks called ‘Where We Go From Here’ and this book talks about the work that I and other progressives have been doing over the last two years in opposition to Trump’s reactionary agenda and how we go forward in creating a government that works for all, and not just the wealthy few,” Sanders responded.

The book merchant’s scheme resulted in over 5,000 net downvotes.

Pride and accomplishment

When Reddit user MBMMaverick complained that he had paid $80 for Star Wars: Battlefront and found Vader locked, the already scandal-ridden EA replied with this:

The “pride and accomplishment” of being forced into a blatant microtransaction scheme indeed. The tonedeaf post didn’t go over well and became an instant object of ridicule in every video game community on the internet. The legendary post is at 667,820(!) downvotes at the time of writing.

The_Meltdown

This is a subreddit, and not a thread, but it’s definitely worth a mention.

Leading up to the 2016 general election, r/The_Meltdown was filled with snarky threads anticipating Trump’s inevitable loss and the impending meltdown from Trump supporters. Of course the exact opposite happened, and it was hilarious.

“This subreddit is officially a parody. It was literally created to mock Trump supporters after a Clinton win… this is just too funny,” one user wrote on the night of Trump’s win.

“Ain’t it just a perfect representation of her campaign? The condescending, the mockery, the cock-sure dismissal of any dissenters,” another user replied.

Before all the votes were counted on election day, one user posted an article titled “Thousands Say They Will Meet To Point & Laugh At Trump Tower After Election.”

Instead, everyone pointed and laughed at the most ironic subreddit ever created, r/The_Meltdown.

The safe

In march of 2013, Reddit user dont_stop_me_smee posted a picture of a safe to r/pics with the following question: “A friend of mine moved into a former drug house and found this HUGE safe. How do we get it open?” In response to the massive interest in the safe and its mysterious contents, he followed up in March with an update thread, discussing safecracking strategies and promising to eventually get it open.

They did eventually manage to cut it open in December of that same year. I won’t spoil it for you.

P.S. Are you using Brave yet? Delay the skynet by using the browser that automatically strips all tracking and ads. Brendan Eich (of JavaScript fame) is its CEO.

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[…] 15 most legendary Reddit threads of all time […]

An Hero
Guest
An Hero

> poop knife

reminder that everyone starts out thinking their family is normal and normal is their family. sigh

Lēäp
Guest
Lēäp

Regardless of contract circumstances, r/Meltdown will always be the most hilarious outcome, next to “two broken arms” of course.

two
Guest
two

hey this is cool

wut?
Guest

These aren’t the most legendary. The coconut, the poopknife, “first you, then me”, etc…so many others are so much better than r/place, civ 2 game, the meltdown

LULZ
Editor-in-chief

Thank you. Added.

xxx xxx
Guest
xxx xxx

The safe, the cumbox, the narwhal bacons at midnight?

LULZ
Editor-in-chief

Thank you. Will add a bunch more.
Done.