How I accidentally killed a bunch of deepweb users A story about an Excel spreadsheet and how I don't deserve to live.

Around 4 years ago, I was a vendor on the darknet.

It was a relatively shortlived thing, I was just doing it because I was too lazy to get a job and at the time didn’t want to settle for the 9-to-5 thing.

I wanted to start my own business, and use the drug money as a start up. I had been using myself for years, along with that I met lots of people into the dealing scene, and eventually started dealing myself. I have a lot of anxiety though, so I hated meeting up with people in parking lots and I definitely didn’t want anyone to know where I lived.

Ross William Ulbricht created and operated the darknet marketplace the Silk Road from 2011 until his arrest in 2013. The website was designed to use Tor for anonymity and bitcoin as a currency, and vast quantities of drugs changed hands there. Ross’ persona on the Silk Road, Dread Pirate Roberts, would post about philosophy and economic theory, and one of the accounts he used to announce the marketplace’s launch was eventually connected to his IRL identity by an IRS investigator working with the DEA.

That’s when I read about the Silk Road, and Ross Ulbricht being caught. Got obsessed with the idea of it, got obsessed with learning OPSEC, all with the goal of eventually using my connections to start up my store.

Well, after a couple of months, I did. I started my store with 3 drugs: ketamine, meth, and some outdoor weed my buddy was getting for super cheap.

All was going good for a few months, had a couple thousand get stolen in an exit scam, but I had about $25,000 saved at that point so it didn’t ruin my life like a few vendors I knew of.

Eventually, I met a local connect that came into town only once a week, but had fucking ANYTHING I wanted. Mescaline, LSD, mushrooms, PCP, even… and… fentanyl. At the time, people weren’t REALLY cutting heroin with fentanyl. I mean, I’m sure people did plenty, but it was not nearly as commonplace now. People just… did fentanyl. And still do.

An important detail for what follows: I would put all my customers’ addresses into an excel spreadsheet along with their name, zip code, order, along with the amount.

Typical mescaline powder.

At the time, I was selling some super white powdered mescaline. The fentanyl was also a white powder. Very similar consistency.

Long story short, my Excel fucked up, or I fucked up, and about 7 peoples mescaline orders were filled in as fentanyl orders.

They all went out — I didn’t notice and kept doing my thing for a few days.

After about 5 days, someone contacted me and told me their friend died from my mescaline. I immediately called bullshit, and went to check my order log and scale up how much I had of my mescaline left.

Well, I had about 11 grams more than I should have. I still don’t know how the fuck it could have happened. I wasn’t a user, but I was definitely high off dabs.

I went to check my order log on the market to see if anyone had finalized on their purchase, and a couple of them were.. but none from a specific day. Including the person that messaged me. No one that had purchased mescaline that day had finalized their orders. The market I was on also had a feature to see the users last activity, and none of them had logged in in at least 3 days. Most 2 days.

I immediately deactivated my vendor account. I didn’t even need confirmation, I knew what happened.

Fatal doses of fentanyl and carfentanil relative to heroin.

I knew I had just killed several people.

I sold the rest of my drugs, converted my bitcoin to cash, and moved the fuck away. Didn’t speak to anyone for weeks. Found a job in a restaurant, living in a city I always wanted to.

I haven’t touched drugs since that day. I haven’t had anything to do with that life since then.

I still think about them. Every night. I saved their names and Googled them a few days later. I was able to find info on 4 customers that definitely died. One customer shared it with a friend. They both died.

I don’t know why I’m even posting this, mainly because I have no one to tell, and even if I did, I don’t think I could.

I spend my days sober. Clocking into work. Clocking out of work. Coming home. Playing video games.

I’m a complete recluse. People I used to know have distanced themselves immensely, and I know it’s because I’m a shell of my former self. I can’t help it.

Could I even tell a therapist about this? I don’t feel like I deserve to be alive. Am I really living anyway? I don’t even know anymore. Maybe this will help me feel better.

Confession via r/confessions.

P.S. Are you using Brave yet? Delay the skynet by using the browser that automatically strips all tracking and ads. Brendan Eich (of JavaScript fame) is its CEO.

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pablo_S_keta fixed
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pablo_S_keta fixed

That is a gently caressing bad mistake. At least you learned and stopped doing it. I’m grateful for the story.. just like the dragonfly incident* a few years ago it shows that you need to check your drugs before taking it. Even if your taking a non active dose of mescaline to test it.. if it is fentanyl, you’re dead.

*In 2009 there was an incident were a bigger vendor sent out bromo-dragonfly and he thought it was 2C-B-fly. Some people died of it because bromo-dragonfly is ten times more potent than 2C-B-fly. Probably a mislabelled batch because the vendor died also..

https://www.erowid.org/chemicals/2cb_fly/2cb_fly_death1.shtml
>On October 3, 2009, Brian Sullivan died in California after ingesting 9 mg of purported 2C-B-fly. His brother John and John’s girlfriend Lindsey were also present and also ingested the same material, John 10 mg and Lindsey 4 mg. Brian was 18 years old and weighed 175 lbs. He was not on any medication that his family was aware of, although he did have preexisting health problems. According to his brother:

>”He had multiple major health problems, including a serious stomach ailment, heart murmur, chronic vomiting and really bad headaches/migraines (probably stress related), many ulcers, a connective tissue disease that can affect internal organs (he also had stopped taking his medication for this), and probable severe liver and possible kidney damage from a suicide attempt with Tylenol and Alleve, and he also may have had additional damage for those and or other organs from using what now appears to have been large amounts of recreational drugs and from whatever taints and cuts were present in them.”

>Brian began having a difficult trip at two hours after ingestion. At three and a half hours after ingestion he began having what appeared to be seizures but could have been strokes or a heart attack, or a combination of those. 911 was called and CPR was performed. He died approximately four hours after ingestion.

>John, who had taken 10 mg, experienced “intense gastrointestinal disturbances” and was still experiencing effects at 30 hours after ingestion. He and Lindsey both reported extremely strong experiences and were both taken to the hospital in restraints after the paramedics/police arrived.

>The material was ordered from Haupt-RC on September 29th and was received on October 3rd. It has confirmed been that the material’s label included “b1” on it.