Spend a weekday morning watching The Price Is Right and Judge Judy and you’re bound to see no less than a dozen commercials for attorneys promising to bring in big cash for your insurance claim or impending divorce. Some of these commercials are possibly fake, most are real, but it’s nearly impossible to tell the difference with the bad editing and sleazy dialogue. These are the worst attorney commercials the Internet has to offer.
Pay me now
Nothing says, “legit, upstanding attorney” like a catchy tune sung by a walrus-looking bouncer with hellfire in the background. (You’ll notice that fire and explosions are a recurring theme with attorney commercials.)
It’s always important to show some graphic car crash footage in the background of your commercial, but perhaps “The Hammer” could have thrown in some grieving relatives for added effect. If you’re looking to get nailed, call The Hammer.
Stick to the lawyer game, Bruce. Please, for the love of all that is funny, stick to being a lawyer.
Take my wife, please
I think Mike Gallagher’s message is pretty clear: “Gimmmie a call if you really want to fu*k over the person you once loved. Thanks for the heads up, Mike.
The Texas Hammer
Whoa, two Hammers?! Can the pillars of the American judicial system handle that many?! I feel like I should be getting fired up to attend a backyard wrestling match or monster truck rally just from watching this commercial. And on top of that, he avenges justice for the injured, mistreated, and ignored. Batman can retire now.
#1 reason Barry Glazer sucks, he always ask for a jury trial. No matter how small the case. Just remember that Barry is the one to thank if you ever get selected for jury duty in his respected county.
Look, I’m not saying this guy is willing to knock-off your spouse, but man, he comes off hating them more than you probably do. I kept expecting him to pull out a bat and offer to finish the job for a little something extra.
The law firm of badass
Generic rock guitar: Check. Generic looking sunglasses: Check. Slow-mo strut down the sidewalk: Check. When you’re looking for guys who have spent way too many afternoons on the couch pounding Big Macs and watching Reservoir Dogs, this is who you call.
Change your pain to rain
Ahhhh yeeeeah, make it rain, baby! If they win your case, they promise to dump that big ‘ol bucket of money on your head so you can feel just like a rap video groupie. Baller!
Good enough, I guess
It’s important to note that if you want people to take you seriously, the more books that you can surround yourself with, the better. If you want them to think you have no idea what your talking about, wear an over-sized cowboy hat. Throw in some lively Tejano music and you’ve nailed down Perkins and Perkins sales pitch. Good enough reason for me.
Protector of urination victims
Barry Glazer makes his second appearance on the list and wants you to know one thing: if you’ve been peed on, he’ll fight for your justice. Just like a regular old Robin Hood.
I gotta hand it to Peter “Q” John, if you’re gonna get people off of drug and weapons charges, you couldn’t pick a more fertile place for crime than Florida. The man is obviously doing well for himself, I mean, how else could he afford that BMW and private jet (cough, cough Photoshop)? The cheesy ripoff of the “Bad Boys” theme song from Cops is the icing on the cake.
Nothing reels in the customers like running over cartoon animals with a car and broadcasting it at 3 AM.
Do ya need more!??? Check out 11 unintentionally funny local TV commercials.