8 weird vintage sex products Want to enjoy the salubrious benefits of horse exercise massage? Come on in and let's cure your female hysteria.

Over the past several years, sex has become a much more public and open topic. However, if one digs through the trenches of vintage advertisement, it doesn’t take long to realize that humans have always been obsessed with sexual adventure and orgasms. While many early sex products were forced to hide their true benefits, clearly there has been a market for sex since the beginning of time. As a testament to this fact, please enjoy these seven hilarious vintage sex-related products…

Love Maid Inflatable Doll

Hmm…$8.95 for an inflatable love maid? Something tells me that the actual product looks nothing like the “love maid” portrayed in the advertisement. Despite my suspicions, the ad copy informs me that “Judy” is the “most amazing, realistic and lifelike companion that you’ll ever own.” Also, her “strong, lasting vinyl” body is “almost too human” and “responds to your every touch.” Still, I’m skeptical – but wait! There’s a 10-day home trial! Well then, the makers of Judy must really believe in their product with that sort of money-back guarantee. Yes, please rush-order my love maid to me immediately!

Macho Cologne

I don’t know about you, but I prefer that all my home products come in packaging shaped like a penis. This cleverly titled cologne is clearly making a thinly veiled attempt to insinuate that users of Macho will exude enhanced virility and masculinity. I wonder if they suggest you “shake well before using”? Also, what do you want to bet the cologne smells like chlorine?

The Bikini Condom

A female condom/underwear mash-up is one of those products everyone knew they would fail, and then they did, but it was very much a real thing. The FDA classified the product as “vaginal pouches” and you could reuse the condoms over and over again — which makes them even less sexy. The product was “designed to line the vagina during sexual intercourse” and was “manufactured all in one piece from thin, cream-coloured latex, the ‘Bikini Condom’ consists of a belt, which fits around the hips, attached to a pouch-like tube, which is inverted to fit inside the vagina,” according to the Museum of Applied Arts & Science.

Horse “exercise” machine

A vibrating horse? Now that’s kinky. As the ad suggests, you can proudly display this 3-foot vibrator in your home under the pretenses that it is an exercise machine. But really, the hidden meaning of that second bullet point is the one and only reason to buy this product: “It invigorates the system by bringing all the vital organs into inspirited action.” Oh yeah, and it’s also listed as a cure for hysteria, which was often diagnosed in women back during this time. And what was the preferred medical treatment for female hysteria? Orgasms.

Put Some Fun Between Your Legs T-Shirt

There have been plenty of sex-punned t-shirts printed over the decades. However, I find this one particularly hilarious. I think the vintage charm has a lot to do with it – the ad was clearly printed sometime around the 1970s. Of course, the model’s proud posture and dome-y haircut doesn’t hurt either. A quick Google search suggests you can buy a modern “Put THE Fun Between Your Legs” t-shirt, but like most modern reproductions, it pales in comparison to the original.

Time to F*ck Watch

Finally, a stylish and convenient way to tell your special lady (or a complete stranger) that it is, in fact, time to f*ck. In case you can’t read the fine print, this marvelous little watch lets you know that it’s time to f*ck by flashing “Time to F*ck” every THIRTY SECONDS! If you’re keeping count, that’s 2,880 times a day. Now, the ad suggests that you should “not try to keep up with this watch,” but everyone knows that time is nothing to f*ck with – so obey the laws of time and physics and START F*CKING!

Cordless Massager

Here’s yet another product pretending to be something that it’s not. While that wholesome model may have tricked you into thinking that cordless massager is meant to be rubbed all over your face, the shape and design of the product itself tell you what the manufacturers really have in mind.

Orgy Board Game

The swinging 60s might be considered the birth of the modern sex industry. Case in point: The Game of Orgy. Manufactured in 1967, this GENIUS game idea involved copious amounts of alcohol and was specifically designed for “people who love people.”

According to this ad, the goal of Orgy was to use the bong-shaped container, dubbed the Porron (pronounced pour-on) to try and pour as much of “your favorite libation” into a teammate’s mouth as he or she lied on the floor. An “Orgy in session” plaque and “optional rewards” to winners are intended to add to the fun and ease the pain from of the presumably sore orifices.

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Jeff Wysaski is a freelance humor writer based out of Los Angeles.

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Tara
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Tara

haha my mom had one of those White “Face Massagers” yeah im sure thats not how it was used.

Mike R
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Mike R

If that MACHO cologne smells like Faberge’s BRUT, yech.
And, boy, do I remember that inflateable doll ad .. never believed it could look anywhere near that good …

travis
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travis

anyone else find it disturbing that in the bottom-left corner of the “macho cologne” ad, it says “found in mom’s basement”?