Many current health trends take their cues from times long gone by: the Paleo Diet, for example, prescribes meals that mimic the foodstuffs chomped on by our caveman ancestors. It works on the premise that humans are genetically adapted to best digest only the types of grub that would have been available to Stone Age hunter-gatherers, so if you want your abs to look more ‘washboard’ and less ‘washed up’, you should avoid modern munchies like wheat and dairy.
Then there’s the 300 Workout, an exercise plan designed to transform your figure into a mass of muscle that roars ‘Ripped Spartan Soldier from Ancient Greece,’ rather than flabbily gargling ‘Nipped to the Spar on the Corner for an Acre of Grease’.
So if you’re sporting a member as long and straight as a Roman road but need some fresh ideas on how to get jiggy with it, perhaps you should try taking your sex life back to the basics — or at least to 753 BC or so.
1. Try lambskin condoms
The Romans used lambs’ guts as rudimentary rubber johnnies – and you can still buy condoms made from lamb intestines. Maybe you’ve herd of a brand named ‘Natralamb,’ as they’re manufactured by America’s biggest condom company, Trojan.
But why might you want to experiment with squirting your man-mint sauce into a sheep sheath rather than just using a standard Durex? Well, for a start, those who use lambskin johnnies often enthuse that they offer incredible sensation, and feel almost as though you’re not wearing a condom at all. Because they’re made of natural materials, they conduct body heat excellently, and they’re suitable for folks who are allergic to latex.
But heed this before you lob one on your knob: intestines are permeable membranes, so although they catch sperm and prevent pregnancy, viruses and bacteria could still pass through their pores, meaning that they will not protect you or your partner from HIV or other STIs.
Plus, they have an odd slimy texture and smell distinctly… agricultural. If the scent of farms leaves you less than firm you might want to wrap your Roman dick-tator in a more conventional papa-stoppa. And if you’re not entirely sure whether you and your lover are both disease-free, please don’t let history leave your privates blistery.
2. Buy a sex slave harem
The Ancient Romans were pretty unshockable, and almost nothing was taboo in the boudoir. From swinging sex parties, to dinner plates decorated with graphic scenes of penetration (extra gravy, anyone?), to more unsavory practices such as those of Emperor Tiberius — who was said to have trained extremely young boys to ‘nibble’ on his chipolata underwater while he lounged in a shallow pool — Roman culture was certainly far more ‘rude’ than ‘prude.’
Not one eyebrow would be raised if you decided honkytonk time with your current SO just won’t always cut it for you and you go to the market to buy a whole gaggle of sex slaves for your new pleasure squad Kim Jong-Il style. And of course, as the ancient Roman saying goes, age is just a number.
Both sex slaves and more Rome-antic forms of polysexuality were common features of ancient Roman life — both for noble and lesser men — and it apparently didn’t make a girl jealous or affect the harmony of the home.
3. Talk dirty in authentic Roman style
Way back in the olden days, in a time so long ago that even the unidentifiable Tupperwares full of chuff-knows-what festering at the back of your freezer did not exist, Mount Vesuvius erupted, covering Pompeii with a dense carpet of ash and lava. This preserved the buildings so effectively that when they were excavated, Ancient Roman graffiti could still be clearly read. And much of it was filthier than an incontinent dung beetle’s crusty gusset.
Pervy proclamations written in spaffy graff included:
– “Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!”
– “Restituta, take off your tunic, please, and show us your hairy privates.”
– “Theophilus, don’t perform oral sex on girls against the city wall like a dog.” Was she not glad-he-ate-her?!
Next time you’re banging away like a shed door in a hurricane, give your ragging a Roman twist by getting your girl to moan one of the sultry scrawled-on-a-wall phrases, such as “Dani Danny su: Indecens es!” (“Dani thinks Danny is a nasty boy!” Obviously, adapt the names if you’re not a lass/man called Dan).
Respond in kind with “Suspirum puellam Danny thraex!” (“Danny makes the girls moan!” Again, change the name unless role-playing as Danny Dyer/DeVito/La Rue floats your Danny dinghy).
Discover more saucy ancient graffiti at the Ancient Graffiti Project.
4. Pay a whole team of sports stars to do you
Terry Jones explains.
5. Roman tricks to delay your climax
The Romans are believed to have thought that avoiding flatulence-causing foods was one way that a man could help to retain his erection for longer before orgasming… although if you’re shooting every time you’re tooting, maybe you should try curing your (admittedly hilarious) problem by adopting a practice that Ancient Rome borrowed from Greece, and which was used as a punishment for wrongdoing:
You simply stick a large, sharp, spicy radish up your bum.
Well, when in Rome…
6. …But more realistically
Watch a lot of porn, and probably not the wholesome kind. For as long as humans have been able to carve human-like shapes out of workable materials or impress a surface with paint, humans have been obsessed with watching depictions of the old S. E. X. The Romans especially so, (remember Pompeii?) who thought nothing of decorating the walls of their public buildings or even family homes with the most hardcore scenes imaginable — the kind of stuff that’d definitely get you put on a list today. In fact, everything in ancient Rome, from public statues down to every day oil lamps, were frequently rich in sexual motifs. Not even gravestones were spared:
Unlike our sparse epitaphs, Roman men and women would include whole biographies on their tombstones, detailing every little moment of their lives. And since their lives were often pretty bawdy, that made for some X-Rated tombstones. For example, one is known to have read:
“Put on your party hats and don’t say no to sex with pretty girls, as you won’t get a chance when you’re dead.”
Wow, interesting advice, huh? Others, marking the spot where husbands have buried their wives, describe the first night of copulation – with one memorable one boasting about how the ‘wife’ was first seduced aged seven. One in particular is famous for describing in great detail a three-way relationship between two men and a woman; including complimentary passages on the woman’s nipples and how punctual she was at dealing with body hair. What a trait to be remembered for.
Ps. Support a struggling genius boy wonder artist by buying his highly collectible NFTs.