Where can I improve with my writing?

I've been writing on and off for about six months now and I'd really appreciate some opinions (read: brutally honest opinions) on my prose.

  1. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    By the way, these are rough, introductory excerpts of a young man's diary in which he details his loss of faith and etc.

  2. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Alright, I'll tell you straight: it fucking sucks. It sounds like I'm reading an emotionally under-developed mid-wit trying desperately to sound intellectual and poetic. But it's just not there. To me, the best string of words is "my spine is warped and I walk with a limp." It's direct, it's real, and it doesn't sound like some homosexual is trying to impress retards.
    None of your lyricism is earned. "-ever since that unremembered and ever-receding Sunday morning." This isn't the end of The Great fucking Gatsby you pretentious cunt.
    It almost sounds like some Japanese writing translated to English. It sounds lame. I want to beat this character up. I'm reading the autonomic ramblings of a middling, insecure intellect bouncing around the mind of some limp-wristed pussy.
    No one fucking talks like this guy talks. This guy grew up and read a few of the classics so that he could seem smart or different among his peers. His pockets were filled with too much spaghetti to hang with the popular kids, and he was too retarded to hang with the smart kids, so he read a couple old fucking books and it poisoned him.
    And it doesn't even make sense. One second its though he's "been propelled, in some small and subtle way," and another its "inextricably wrapped up in this sense of guilt as though a veil were spun from it and bound about my eyes."
    GOD fucking awful. You are not a good writer. Bound about your fucking eyes? This was written by a fedora, not a person.
    Your punctuation placement? Terrible. Word choice? Preposterous. Tone? Pathetic. Readability? Only to laugh at.
    There's nothing interesting here. Your suffering is not beautiful. Friends, who have no real interest in trying to "write", have written more moving excerpts to me in fucking text messages. And they weren't even trying. So quit trying to write. Maybe don't read fucking anything for a little while. Go throw paint on a canvas. Go pour some water on a flat surface and play in it. Go regain some humanity, because buddy, there isn't any here.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      You have some good point but, and call me a homosexual, you could have restrained yourself from insulting his intelligence to such a gross degree. There's almost no way the guy is going to be able to take away anything from this, he'll just be too burnt. Shame because you diagnosed his problems well.

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        That's because there was no intention for that commentary to improve OP's writing whatsoever. That comes from someone that writes something similar, is aware of the issues he pointed out, but is terrified and lacking in confidence on their own writing, so they shit on the work of others to make they feel good and forget their insecurities.

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Maybe not right away, but burns heal into hardened scar tissue. It might sit in his heart like a stone for awhile, but once it clears, he'll be a better writer. He did ask for brutally honest opinions, and I gave him mine, brutality and all.

        That's because there was no intention for that commentary to improve OP's writing whatsoever. That comes from someone that writes something similar, is aware of the issues he pointed out, but is terrified and lacking in confidence on their own writing, so they shit on the work of others to make they feel good and forget their insecurities.

        "The doctor only diagnosed him with lupus because HE has lupus himself!"
        Inaccurate diagnosis, regardless. I really don't try to write much, but when I do I don't sit around feeling insecure about it. Have I been guilty of mid-wittery and melodrama? Sure, as have we all. But my writing has a very different voice than OP's here.
        Also, I rarely take the time to write critiques like this, but this post just caught me in the right mood. And again, he asked for brutality. This is LULZ, not a community college creative writing course.

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          I actually do really appreciate that you pulled absolutely no punches and gave it to me straight. I actually am in a college writing course (I know) and come here for feedback that isn't paid for or trying to keep the peace in a room full of neurotics. Like the other anon said, you actually did accurately diagnose a lot of very real problems with my writing: for one, I definitely have a proclivity for writing flowery, antiquated, and ultimately obnoxious prose. I tend to overestimate my ability after I've been at it a while and this is the sort of criticism I need to reel it back in and start over properly.
          However, on the point regarding melodrama and limp-wristed-ness, I have to say that I would not typically write in this exact style. The above excerpt is written in the style of a journal entry penned by a character who actually did read some classics so that he would seem different or more intelligent than his classmates (something of which I'm also guilty). The melodrama is intentional and you're not meant to like the character in the slightest: he's a snobbish and conceited prude modelled on myself and other people I can't stand. That being said, the journal format combined with an intentionally unlikeable main character is definitely a crutch which I should stop using.

          That isn't meant to be a defence of my writing (I know that in its current state there are none), its just a bit of context that I should have included from the get-go.
          And as for the rest, my punctuation certainly: demands a great deal of work; and you hit the nail on the head with the comment about the: "unearned lyricism", which is another recurrent issue of mine.
          So all in all, thanks for the genuine feedback man, even though it hurt like fuck to read.

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            The n-word is cutting flowers as they bloom.
            To be fair what he is saying will make you a more successful writer, but it will not make you a better writer.

            • 2 weeks ago
              Anonymous

              Could you elaborate please?

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            No problem, bro. I gave the kind of feedback that I know I actually like to get. Objectivity through cynicism is a passion of mine.
            When I was younger I wrote very antiquated as well. You'll learn to integrate it. You've already got a good awareness of the issues in your excerpt here, and your regular writing is much, much more interesting to read than the characters. With the right context and good editing, the posted portion could read just fine.
            My personal book recs for writing are John Gardner's On Becoming a Novelist, Annie Dillard's The Writing Life, Chuck Palahniuk's Moments in My Writing Life After Which Everything Was Different, and Damon Knight's Creating Short Fiction. I've read a modest pile of writing books and these are the ones that truly offered me something and that I'd recommend to any prospective career writer, or to any simple enthusiast, such as myself.
            For fiction, I think The Magus by John Fowle would be good for you. And then maybe The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.
            For everything else, The Perennial Philosophy, The Quantum Hermetica, and The Listening Society are the big three coming to mind.
            These are just my personal recs, take them or leave them. I do not claim they are the greatest or wisest books ever written.
            I'm assuming you're young, and a great writer ages like wine. Live a dignified life, read all sorts of books, and learn from everyone you meet.

            • 2 weeks ago
              Anonymous

              >The Alchemist

            • 2 weeks ago
              Anonymous

              Just bought "The Magus" and "On Becoming a Novelist". And again dude, thanks for taking the time to write all this, very sound.

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        don't be such a fag then homosexual.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Does it read a little pretentious? A little droll, droning and long-winded? Yes. But is it as bad as claims? No. So just take a step back, read some livelier works, and try the same passage again with a different voice. Experiment a little.

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Cheers man, are there any books or resources you'd recommend reading in order to improve prose?

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          Other books, plain and simple. You might pick up a book with a completely different vibe, attitude, prose style, whatever you want to call it, and something will click in your head like "oh, yes, this is what I need to try"

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      philistine cunt
      i bet you read YA and light novels

      https://i.imgur.com/7sTlsQu.png

      I've been writing on and off for about six months now and I'd really appreciate some opinions (read: brutally honest opinions) on my prose.

      not good, sorry

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        > not good, sorry
        I know, thanks dude

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >I'm reading the autonomic ramblings
      lol. Maybe apply some of that vigor to your own exertions

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >vigor
        Discarded

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          Filtered

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >No one fucking talks like this guy talks
      It's written language, not spoken language. And why should one only write as one speaks? Then I guess Proust and Joyce and Nabokov should be discarded

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >This was written by a fedora, not a person.
      Absolutely devastating. If I was OP, this is the point where I would have killed myself. Also, 100% on all points.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >Terrible. Word choice? Preposterous. Tone? Pathetic. Readability? Only to laugh at.
      ULLLLLLLLLTRAAAAA COMMMMMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      OP, treat this post like the first glass of water offered to you after a three day trek through the desert.

      Let it pummel you with its refreshing honesty, soak it all up, and learn from it.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >This was written by a fedora, not a person.

      There is no other word for this than brutal.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >No one fucking talks like this guy talks
      We're on LULZ - literature. Perhaps you will want to go back to /v/ - video games? Your post is worse and most certainly more pretentious than OP's text.

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        you're the one who should go back since you clearly didn't understand what he meant by that

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      I'd actually say that the sample OP provided shows great potential. I'd recommend he read someone like John Crowley, who blends limpid lyricism with an unusually conversational tone (this might help smooth out the sometimes sudden shifts in diction in OP's sample), or someone like T.H. White, who does something similar to Crowley but with a little less silkiness and a little more of the verbal quality that OP could still use. But very promising writing anyways, and in more than a couple places, impressive. To have written something like this with only six months of real study under your belt is an accomplishment. So OP, go read John Crowley, Richard Hughes ("In Hazard" specifically), or T.H. White. Good luck, I'm rooting for you.

  3. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >extricate my infant self from her cooling ruins

    I don't know about this one, but the rest of the text paints a fairly consistent image of an insufferable homosexual. I hope that's what you're going for.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Insufferable homosexual was definitely what I was going for

  4. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    her… cooling… ruins?

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >*unzips*

  5. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Your prose does not match your material and is too melodramatic for what you’re saying. Sure, being motherless sucks but in reality most don’t understand something they don’t have, you should make the prose colder and more direct with just a tinge of void filled depression at the end. Don’t write to impress but to show and feel through the character’s eyes.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      That's actually very fair, a lot of the particularly clumsy and overwrought lines were written in an attempt to impress or lend weight to an otherwise airy piece. I'll take that into consideration, thanks dude

  6. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    "Blunt criticism" is shit

    https://threblog.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-3.html

  7. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    What you're trying to say here is too simple for what you actually said. The character's mother died giving birth to the character. He feels guilty about this. There is no reason to stretch this out to two paragraphs. And in fact, there is no reason to write this out so bluntly in the first place. The journal/confession genre is only interesting to others when the narrator is either self-contradictory (e.g the Underground Man) or finds themselves in an interesting or distressing circumstance (e.g Anne Frank).

    Perfect self-awareness produces neither irony nor conflict (except when looking backwards) and is inherently static. I recommend you read a few books in this genre to see how it's done. Dostoevsky's is a good one to start with, it's short. Tolstoy also wrote one. Rousseau's is arguably the first in the "modern" form, but St. Augustine's predates him by almost 1400 years. Rousseau will be probably the most instructive, since his mother actually did die giving birth to him and he really did feel guilty about it ever since (I suspect his femdom fetish--which he writes about in some detail--was a direct consequence of this).

    Also "cooling ruins" should be punishable by death.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >Rousseau will be probably the most instructive, since his mother actually did die giving birth to him and he really did feel guilty about it ever since (I suspect his femdom fetish--which he writes about in some detail--was a direct consequence of this).
      Oh shit, which works of his talk about this? I want to read it.

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Confessions

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      > Also "cooling ruins should be punishable by death.
      I actually wouldn't mind having my ruins cooled rn

  8. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    On some writing forum.

  9. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    It reads a little antiquated, like you're trying to write a period piece. If that's the style you're going for, it's fine in principle, but a little obnoxious to read. I don't know how I'd improve it, though. If the plot was something exciting, then I'd be fine with it.

  10. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    The prose is fine, the ideas are awful. No one gives a shit that you never knew who your mommy was. This reads like someone who heard that “writers are supposed to suffer” (dubious premise to start with), but he had no real suffering in his life to speak of, so he had to invent some.
    Even if you HAD experienced intense suffering, no one wants to read a blow-by-blow account of it. That just becomes cheap moralism at best and obnoxious whining at worst. Just write about what actually interests you, or write the kind of thing that you yourself would want to read. Don’t write sob stories just because you heard that that’s what great writers are supposed to do.

  11. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Every time I think the Sally Rooneys of the world have gone too far something like this comes limping by. Poshlost.

  12. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I liked it. Thought you were posting an excerpt from something published at first.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      That makes two of us.

      By the way, these are rough, introductory excerpts of a young man's diary in which he details his loss of faith and etc.

      Not sure people write like this in diaries. If they wrote for an audience, sure. In a private diary, probably not.

      Your prose does not match your material and is too melodramatic for what you’re saying. Sure, being motherless sucks but in reality most don’t understand something they don’t have, you should make the prose colder and more direct with just a tinge of void filled depression at the end. Don’t write to impress but to show and feel through the character’s eyes.

      >"My mother died giving birth. I feel guilty about that. I limp."
      I dunno man, I prefer the OP's way of phrasing it. Makes me imagine the character and who they are. It paints a picture (though not of an insufferable homosexual as

      >extricate my infant self from her cooling ruins

      I don't know about this one, but the rest of the text paints a fairly consistent image of an insufferable homosexual. I hope that's what you're going for.

      suggests).

      Alright, I'll tell you straight: it fucking sucks. It sounds like I'm reading an emotionally under-developed mid-wit trying desperately to sound intellectual and poetic. But it's just not there. To me, the best string of words is "my spine is warped and I walk with a limp." It's direct, it's real, and it doesn't sound like some homosexual is trying to impress retards.
      None of your lyricism is earned. "-ever since that unremembered and ever-receding Sunday morning." This isn't the end of The Great fucking Gatsby you pretentious cunt.
      It almost sounds like some Japanese writing translated to English. It sounds lame. I want to beat this character up. I'm reading the autonomic ramblings of a middling, insecure intellect bouncing around the mind of some limp-wristed pussy.
      No one fucking talks like this guy talks. This guy grew up and read a few of the classics so that he could seem smart or different among his peers. His pockets were filled with too much spaghetti to hang with the popular kids, and he was too retarded to hang with the smart kids, so he read a couple old fucking books and it poisoned him.
      And it doesn't even make sense. One second its though he's "been propelled, in some small and subtle way," and another its "inextricably wrapped up in this sense of guilt as though a veil were spun from it and bound about my eyes."
      GOD fucking awful. You are not a good writer. Bound about your fucking eyes? This was written by a fedora, not a person.
      Your punctuation placement? Terrible. Word choice? Preposterous. Tone? Pathetic. Readability? Only to laugh at.
      There's nothing interesting here. Your suffering is not beautiful. Friends, who have no real interest in trying to "write", have written more moving excerpts to me in fucking text messages. And they weren't even trying. So quit trying to write. Maybe don't read fucking anything for a little while. Go throw paint on a canvas. Go pour some water on a flat surface and play in it. Go regain some humanity, because buddy, there isn't any here.

      >This was written by a fedora, not a person
      My sides

  13. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    [deleted post]

    My writing is dogshit, but I appreciate the sentiment. Thanks man

  14. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I liked it, but you need to tone down on the metaphors -- it's annoying to read.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      this. Metaphors are better used for effect - not for flavour

  15. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    "extricate" is a weird word in that context. it's an ugly sentence, but i appreciate the potential in it. i personally like the imagery of "cooling ruins," but it's ugly . it has to be worded differently. worded better. i don't know how to do it, but i do know that it has to be worded differently.
    i like these parts isolated from their context, such as:
    >. . . ever-receding Sunday morning.
    >. . . my spine is warped and i walk with a limp.
    what authors do you like, anon?

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      I like a lot of authors but the ones that come to mind right now are Joyce, Fitzgerald, and Paul Morand (which might account for attempts at "grand" lines lmao)

  16. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    [log in to view media]

    I have highlighted everything I found tired, hackneyed and/or clichéd. That doesn't mean the rest is any good (it isn't), but try again, and be sure swat away anything that feels comfortable and safe.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      [log in to view media]

      seek help

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >give me the brutal honest d boys 😉
        >noooOOOO not like that!!!!ow my butt >:(

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          I'm not OP, idiot. You're just going insane with your originality paranoia

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            You're right, why on earth would anyone want to be original. In 2022! Bad poppy!

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            >(O)riginality (P)aranoia
            you're OP. don't lie to me.
            >You're just going insane
            glowing so hard right now. your gaslighting tactics won't work on me

            • 2 weeks ago
              Anonymous

              >pretending to be schizo after being wrong

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      This is a good starting point, thanks anon

  17. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Get rid of that semicolon in the opening sentence. It's pretentious and unnecessary . Too many commas.
    "As a result of this" , it's obviously implied that you never knew your mother's touch because she died in labor. Delete this empty filler.

    "gaze with which" change to "gaze through which"

    Also "the world around me" just say "the world" obviously the world you can gaze at is the world around you. "around me" is redundant.

    "was tinged somehow" ---> change to : "is tinged" . Tense shifting here is awkward

    Also "somehow" is unnecessary, the speaker knows how it is tinged, --- by a sense of guilt.

    Also second paragraph has two "as though".

    "Sense of guilt" is unnecessary. Just say "guilt"

    Try: "I have always felt that the gaze through which I view the world is tinged, wrapped up in this guilt as though a veil were spun from it and bound about my eyes."

    I like the whole "veil" image but I just feel like you should trim the fat around it.

  18. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    too clulttered, too many ideas per sentence. Also, what's the structure over the thing overall?

  19. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I think a lot of people should think 'why am I writing this?' before they actually sit down in front of the Google Docs. If it's just 'I want to write Literature', you should stop.

    Is OP actually interested in writing sentence after sentence of 'sad guy gives a wordy account of his sad life'? What's the next step for this piece, 'account of isolation at school, with long explanation of how he couldn't fit in'? Then do you move on to 'he meets a girl in whom he sees the possibility for the affection he desires - as he explains explicitly and at length'?

    Is it really an interesting process to grind your way through that? Even if you're fascinated by this kind of cliched narrative voice, is this kind of straight-ahead presentation the best way to explore that fascination?

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Some people just want something to do, and that's fine.

      Though I can't imagine wanting to write about myself. You're supposed to just make things up, just imagine things doing stuff... Like there is a guy over there, he's on top of a large dam and he's got his cock in one hand and a jackhammer in the other, he's cracking the dam down the middle. His cock starts to join in. Because he is grieving.

      Boom!

      • 2 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Here's another

        A little yellow apple is on the ground. Here comes the coyote. Here comes the widow with her cane basket. The sun rises. The widow takes the apple, her hand is blue. But! the coyote pounces, takes her by the wrinkles on her arm. The sun sets, and the widow bites the apple then breaks it over the coyote's long nose. Coyote scrams. I'm in the tree, throwing apples at the widows husband. He's still in the pall. Sun rises. I pull out my spider's cock.

        • 2 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          And that's how it's done.

          • 2 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            Ok one more

            Mr Ozuglu has his cock in both hands on the balcony of the courthouse of the town on the Italian Riviera. He wears his blue gown and the walls of the court are white. He unloads when it's morning and the magistrate is kissing his wife below, before the hearing of the local drunk who pushed his mother into the reservoir. The cum rolls off the silk hat of the magistrates wife, dripping on her soft shoulder. Mr. Ozuglu breaks into song, and the magistrates wife delights, joining him in duet. The magistrate, furious but cowardly, taps out a stumbling rhythm on the stone balustrade. Here comes the drunk. He's sloshed, and his cock is poking through his pants. Flies crawl into his ear, where they run a fly hotel in the Georgian revival style; many rooms fashioned in pockets of earwax. Fly prostitutes get beaten over low couches with varnished chair legs and smile for the pain reminds them of home and their first boyfriends. In room twelve I sit with my wife as she fabricates an excuse to open another bag of nuts. Its utter extortion darling. She said well why don't your try fucking me then wouldn't that be nice for once and then I said well if you stopped eating for one fucking second that would certainly be nice for once, oh but don't cry darling I didn't really mean it forgive me dear, you are still sexy to me you are! its just my tiny fly cock is so spent and your enormous buttocks don't make for easy entrance darling.

            • 2 weeks ago
              Anonymous

              And the fly's wife said O Tom, I don't think we're gonna be husband and wife much longer. And she left that eve, big ass and all, munching on nuts and a look back, not at all - a single slow tear fell from her thousand sided eye. And Tom the fly dropped that eve from the waxen balcony, and died there on the highway of the drunk's ear canal, at rush-hour when so many flies rushed past his mangled corpse, they only sighed and shook their heads - an ass takes another life. The drunken bard fly sings for his soul a Dylan elegy, and indeed, interrupted the magistrate as he raised the clapper to pass the sentence on the matriciding drunk, solemn mid-70s Dylan rattles out of the drunk's ear and the courtroom gasped all at once, the jury starts to jive melancholy-like: "You're gonna make me a lonesome when ya go"

            • 2 weeks ago
              Anonymous

              You can stop now. You're not funny or interesting.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      most lucid post in this thread. anon, please help me. i'm not OP, but could you talk more about this:
      >the best way to explore that fascination
      ways to explore. i have certain themes i want to explore but i have no idea how to. i have no idea how to "conduct" (communicate) the "electricity" (themes) that i want to.
      and also, could you talk more about the "why" of writing? thanks so much.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      This is one of the best replies in the thread. So many people want to write, but few have any idea wtf they even want to say in the first place.

      Faulkner has a bunch of good advice on writing:

      > Don’t be ‘a writer’ but instead be writing. Being ‘a writer’ means being stagnant. The act of writing shows movement, activity, life. When you stop moving, you’re dead.

      >A writer needs three things, experience, observation, and imagination, any two of which, at times any one of which, can supply the lack of the others.

      >Read, read, read. Read everything -- trash, classics, good and bad, and see how they do it. Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the master. Read! You'll absorb it.
      Then write. If it's good, you'll find out. If it's not, throw it out of the window.

  20. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    are you trying to sound like a complete sociopath?

  21. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >I am told that she was loving, gentle, and that she died of a massive hemmorrhage in the midst of a turbulent and protracted labor

    LOL

    It sounds like people are constantly randomly walking up to the protagonist and reminding him that his mother was friendly and nice, but also always adding that she died giving birth to him.

    Wouldn't it better to write

    >I was born on a Sunday to a mother whom I know only through photographs and anecdotes. I am told that she was a loving and gentle woman. She died of a massive hemmorrhage whilst giving birth to me.

    >in the midst of a turbulent and protracted labor
    >brought about by the unlikely cooperation of debilitating fatigue and over-exertion

    Sheesh, man, we get it, she died. What's the point of adding these things? It doesn't make the scene any more emotional or meaningful, it's just empty fluff.

  22. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I liked it.

  23. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Too much monologue. Nothing's happening

  24. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    You will not succeed with this style. Try removing phrases like 'as a result of this,' 'but perhaps not, although...,' 'either way,' etc. This would sound better in an obviously expositional passage.

  25. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I actually like what you are doing here, but stylistically the text is poor. As others have said, there are too many phrases that do nothing. Economise, and you will have something genuinely interesting.

  26. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Unironically, post excerpts here and have people trash it. You're never going to get as unfiltered a response as here. Dont post any material you may plan on selling/publishing or w/e the fuck you're intending.

  27. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    This is actually good. Don't listen to these retards here. They are either lying to you or they simply do not understand what good writing this. Now, this does resemble the Japanese I-novel style a bit too much but regardless, it is pleasant to read and nothing else really matters.

    • 2 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Also, if you're trying to mimic Mishima you're doing it well imo

  28. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    The critical thing is that you have no hook. Look at good opening paragraphs or first sentences. There is often an incompleteness to them, or some sort of jarring contrast (Mother died today. Or maybe yesterday; I can't be sure). Either way something has to grab you and intrigue you, and there is none of that in the short bit you have posted. The art of the opening line, I believe, is also something that carries throughout a book, as you will of course need to constantly push your reader forward and not let them go. So think hard on what it is that carries a reader's interest through a book, the devices that a writer can use to propel interest and create intrigue while building round characters and plots.

  29. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    "unlikely cooperation of debilitating fatigue and over-exertion."
    This doesn't make any sense. How is debilitating fatigue and over-exertion an "unlikely cooperation" during labor?

  30. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Young man reads too much 19th century canon and not enough contemporary fiction, starts emulating the verbose prose style of the three volume victorian novel in 2022. Many such cases!

  31. 2 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    her… cooling… ruins?

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