So I’ve polled my extensive posse of lady friends and come up with 5 of the funnier things guys do with their junk that… uh… kinda weird us out, actually. We love you, but… seriously?
#1. THE HELICOPTER
Typically a post-shower show and tell. He takes off his towel, swivels his hips and makes his dick copter around his groin. Quote: “Look, babe! My dick’s a helicopter!”
#2. MAKING IT TALK WITH DICK PUPPETRY
Dick as Clone Trooper says random lines from Star Wars. Like: “He’s more machine than man, now, Luke.”
Penis theater can be a beautiful going to sleep ritual for couples with a sense of humor. Try it at least once.
#3. PRETENDING STUFF IS HIS DICK
Dude takes a sort of dick-shaped object, say, a pencil, or a remote control, lays it on top of his crotch and goes: Look, it’s like my dick! Except outside my pants! Girls can do it too, but it’s not as much of a knee-slapper because we know girls don’t actually have a real penis so it comes off more as penile inferiority complex.
#4. THE FREE RANGER
This is a more advanced form of putting on something comfy after coming home from work. They simply unzip and let the penis run free for a while. They don’t acknowledge it or anything, and you shouldn’t either.
The situation can quickly escalate into a full-on SLAP-DOWN (below).
#5. THE SLAP-DOWN
We’ve all seen this one. Boyfriend’s walking around the house naked and handling himself liberally. Boyfriend goes: “That’s my dick on the plate! That’s my dick on the bookshelf!”
Guys really like trying to get their penis into contact with as many objects as possible. If a man has been in your house, your stuff’s been penised, whether or not you know it.
#6. THE TUCK-IN
This is the crowning achievement of penis world. He tucks his junk between his legs, and keeps it up there by walking with his knees bent. Then he goes, “Check it out! I’m Mister Woman!” and start reciting lines from Silence of the Lambs. This can blossom into quite the theatrical performance, with moving lights and all kinds of props. We can only clap and ask for an encore.
Did we leave any out? Which penile feats have you seen your man accomplish? Also have a look at 8 world records in the field of penis achievement. We like to write about penises. A lot.