Rise and shine, you beautiful man! Wait — who the hell is that? Oh, yes, it’s the lovely lady who you stumbled home with at four in the morning after you spent hours charming her to death with your witty world insight and whiskey-drenched make out sesh. Go, you! But what should one do now? Here are some tips.
Tell her you have an “afternoon appointment”
Unless she’s already bailed before you open your weary, hungover eyes, take timing into your own hands. Inform her of your late-afternoon get together with your fellow man friends, and yawnnn you should really get up and shower. You’re not a douche — you’re busy!
It helps us avoid an awkward situation, too. (Can we just go home and brush our teeth without looking like we don’t dig you. We really just want take out our contacts and stuff.) If she has already begun putting on her clothes while mumbling something about ibuprofen, this line is not needed.
Don’t expect a girlfriend experience
So perhaps spooning all morning with a sort-of-stranger doesn’t sound like the best time to you, either. But if you’re expecting to be woken up with a morning romp, you will most likely be disappointed. She’s perspiring booze, just like you. She wants to brush her teeth. She has an “afternoon appointment.” Wake-up sex is commonly reserved for those who’ve spent more than one night together, ‘cause you’re used to each other’s morning breath by now and we’re sort of still drunk so why not?
Assess if you should make an omelet
Do you think after your slurred conversation about politics and music that you might be in love with this woman? Would you like to increase your odds of her adoring you, of singing your praises to her group of friends? Make her breakfast. Or, take her out to breakfast if you’re not broke and you can’t do anything besides pour a bowl of cereal and burn some toast (though toast is good, too!). Obviously, enthusiastically whipping up some eggs the morning after isn’t required — just know it will score you lots of points.
Offer up a cup o’ joe
This is another act that isn’t really a necessity, but that is very, very nice and will definitely not be under-appreciated. Plus, it’s easier than flipping an omelet. Coffee and morning afters go together like one-night stands and condoms. (Read: they go together. Wrap it!). Brew a pot, or grab one from the café in your ‘hood before you bid her adieu.
Help her get home
Whether it’s calling her a cab, walking her to the nearest subway platform, or giving her a lift home, be a gentleman (yes, I said it, you dicks) and help her prevent the obvious walk of shame. And know that attempting to get back to our places alone from somewhere we’re not really familiar with while feeling nauseous, sleepy, and just a littttllle slutty (but not too much!) provides an opportune time for us to think about what a selfish bastard you are for not helping us get home.
Ask her for her phone number — and maybe her last name
Even if you’re still questioning your sober compatibility with the woman you just got frisky and shitfaced with, make sure you put her number in her phone. Who knows what it could turn into?
If you need her last name ‘cause you have like 30 Emilys in your phone (we know how you do) please, please fight the temptation of finding her on Facebook and requesting to be friends an hour after she leaves/the day after she leaves/before you see her again. Get to know her a bit better in person before over-analyzing all of her favorites quotes, movies, and pictures of her with some dapper-looking dude named Jonathan.
Get out of bed
Your whole body hurts. You’re tired. She, most likely, remembers where the door is. Despite the fact that you’re a wrecked little delicate baby angel flower and she’ll totally understand if you don’t walk her to the door, bow down, and kiss her hand while opening the door and saying g’day, suck it up, get out of bed, and give the poor girl a hug before she departs. She probably won’t think you’re the greatest guy in the world (that title goes to the dude who made her coffee, breakfast, helped her get home, and made her orgasm like three times the night before). But hey, we’ve all been there.
It’s the dudes who are all passed out and farty and moaning, “See ya,” while drooling on their pillowcase who’ll get the rep as bad in bed, even if we can’t really remember what happened, either.
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