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Published September 17, 2016

Fire and blood at the Trump International Hotel in Washington, D.C. tonight, as the GOP nominee’s press conference devolves into a full scale riot and hostage situation.

Trump had invited reporters to his new hotel today ostensibly to address the “birther” issue, an irresistible lure of soundbyte drama-rama for a desperate pro-Clinton media machine. Instead what they got was a posse of decorated war veterans declaring their undying loyalty to the Donald.

After approximately 14 hours of military men raining praise on the clever entrepreneur who is amazing in bed, reality began to set in for the more experienced reporters. Danger Don had pulled another fast one on them.

He added insult to injury by — finally — addressing the topic of the night…for 5 seconds.

After an initial explosion of questions and “really?” wails from the worn out reporters, frustrations boiled over and a primal rage took hold.

Reports indicate initial violence erupted after a Huffington Post blogger claimed tactical high ground on a table and started screaming “Black Lives Matter.” The largely white crowd responded by singing slave songs and tipping over “aggressive” looking flags.

trump washington birther press conference

“Let’s burn this bitch down!”

The exact sequence of what happened from this point on is still not fully clear, but the 9/11 calls about fires started almost immediately.

Several sources reveal riled up reporters rushed the hotel staff in the initial rampage, clawing and biting anything in sight like vicious rabies-ridden rats. A hostess reportedly had half of her face “chewed off” by a CNN intern with something to prove to his network elders.

At least two reporters are said to have taken their own lives. MSNBC reporter Jeanie Schmulsberg stabbed herself in the throat with a pencil and laid down for her final sit-in, only to be trampled dead by a pod of Salon bloggers before the pre-planned iconic photo could be taken.

Reporters also began destroying their own recording equipment as reported by mediaite, with one unnamed man in his fifties tearing paneling off the wall for a communal footage bonfire at the center of the conference room.

As hotel security began to retreat and the fire spread, the revolutionary reporter mob repeated their calls for “Black Lives Matter,” “Make Donald Drumpf Again,” and “dead cops, dead cops, dead cops!”

At time of writing, the reporters remain holed-up in the hotel, possibly forcing hostages to recite White Privilege confessions in Mao-style struggle sessions. The fires rage on.

Asked about the riot and damage done to the hotel, Trump said “I’ve got good insurance, but you know, it’s sad that the media, these are the most dishonest people, and they will lie about you and then they will riot, and that’s not what we need in our country when we’ve got ISIS, they’re running around chopping people’s heads off, we’ve got China ripping us off, we’ve got these trade deals, NAFTA — you know, I was against NAFTA, Hillary Clinton’s husband signed that, I said it was a bad deal. A bad deal. Very, very dishonest people.”

A portly brown man with a press card from “tytnetwork.com” paces in a circle in the ravaged conference room. He’s still swinging around the chair he seized early on in the conflict and now he’s making airplane noises. When informed his reporter comrades have made battlements deeper inside the hotel, he cries out, “They don’t even have unisex bathrooms!” and runs for the exit. He’s taking the chair with him.

What do you think? Tell us in a comment below.

LULZ editor-in-chief | Got an internet/tech/livestreaming/e-drama story or tip? Submit your piece here or talk to me about it through Twitter DM or [email protected]

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