stupid, stupid me

this is a truley amazing page,.. i really didnt think that there were very many other people in the world like me..

ive lost all of my friends do to drama, that they have started. i want no part of any of it. over all im completly alone.

ive only had 5 boyfriends,
1. dusty, 6th grade. lasted 2 weeks. he demanded me to kiss him,. so i broke up with him.
2. gavin. 6th grade. lasted 2 days. we were best frineds.
3. nate. lasted 1 day.. just plain out didnt really like him.
4. matt lasted a whole month :P.. he was to touchy.
...5... luke... ill get to him later.

my early 8th grade year is when i got depression. i cant stand that people like me.. i know this makes absolutly no sense to anyone but, i have always pushed people away. maybe im just tired of being lied to..and being faulsly loved..

anyway, i cant stand liking someone... at all. it makes me sick to my stomache.
i over think every thing. love never works out. my parents didnt work out. why should any of my relationships work? there's no sense in any of it. i never loved any of "them" at all.

except #5.. my number 5. my 1st love. my first kiss. 18 days after i got my braces off:)

i was completely, and irrevocably in love with him.

of course the only thing he didnt know is how i was actualy feeling. thinking thinking things like "oh i know something will happen" "it will never work. yes i love him but,.." or maybe if i just die that will befor the best." im not sure if he actually cheated on my or not,.. but when i found out.. i left, no room to try to redeem his self.

we completely stopped talking. for was about 2-3 months.. but what seemed like year. i really was on the verge of suicide. i stopped caring about what my parents thought.. because they lied to me more than anyone else in the world.

i really am.. scared of relationships.. i dont wanna be hurt again..but luke.. was the only person in the world that treated me like i was a good person.. when ive hurt so many people i should just shoot myself right here. right now. i loved it so much..

we started talking,.. as friends again.. and quickly discovered that he still had a love that could never pass. wanting to be in a relationship with him.. i said no. once again.. blaming it on stupid little things here and there. im afraid of what love does to people, its long lasting effects, how it changes people, its commitment.. all of it makes me want to vimit. not in discust,... be in fear that,. what little i have might just vanish.. i could ruin someone elses life in the process.. i cant hadle that. id rather die. i loved him so much.. im so scared.

i want to just say yes again.. and try to hide away all the fright, and sadness.. would it be for the best?!..

i love him right now. and it kills me that hes dating kelly..

kelly: some girl that has the opportunity to date every guy because shes all that in a bag of chips. whatever.

i cant stand for her to hurt him. sinse i was with him,.. she has dated him like 4 times! im in my freshmen year now. its been 7 months. i love him still. far more than i should.

what should i do?

  1. 10 years ago

    Wow, well. If you really love him and he loves you then by not being with him its hurting you both. You are afraid of hurting others. Well, thats caused by yourself being hurt, heart wounds take longer to heal. You say that he wanted to be with you again, you never gave him the chance to help. He is probably using kelly to help stitch his wounds, you are just leaving the wounds to slowley get bigger and bigger. You are hurting him and yourself right now. Only you can make the move to help yourself and him. Be with him, stich your wounded heart up and stitch his too.

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