Story of life

I live my life meeting boys, even if I already have a guy (if there's ever a time they were only one) I find myself very open to taking numbers from boys, might reach to hooking up with them and I convince them that they are the only one if my life. Which is a complete lie.

I never allow anyone to get to my heart. Everything I do, is just waste time, and feel desire and loved. I don't deny that I have fell in love with some of them, but I always believed that this feeling would be temporary and it is true, after a couple of months or three I lose that feeling, which I call it being fond of someone, not real love.

Amongst all that, here I am. In the hands of whom I thought would be just another adventure I go through, yet, I find myself literally falling in love with. Taking over my senses, my common sense, and doing "stupid" things people in love do. My heart is resisting, I feel every part of me is shattering and I refuse to believe him, refuse to trust him and I am so super scared that he would break me into pieces.

It hurts me the most when he's trying to love me and I push him away when I really want is to be held and loved! I honestly don't understand what made me this way, what experience has shaped me into this?

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