Everyone knows a that guy at the gym. He’s greasier than a sunbathing piglet. He’s got on more accessories than a bondage slave. He’s oblivious to the stares and points that come from every inch of that sprawling exercise wasteland. Maybe he’s the muscle-mound mass who provides more comic relief than that “hip adductor” machine that should just be called the vagina tightener — or the creeper who unfailingly homes in on any equipment immediately next to women.
Here are the main signs that you’re a “that guy” at the gym.
Lunk alert! You grunt and/or slam the weights on the ground
Weights are heavy. You work out hard. We get it. You’re so fuckin’ jacked that the last repetition has left you more spent than a pornstar’s vagina after a spin in a slam van. But this does not entitle you to drop a hundred pounds on the ground with other people’s little piggies in close proximity. You wanna drop a load, go see Sergio in the steam room.
You wear any type of bandana
Sweet bandana, broseph. So Sergio from the steam room reciprocated and dropped a load on you?
You wear Vibram FiveFingers shoes
Of all the trends that have seemed to permeate gym/exercise fashion lately, the Vibram FiveFingers shoes are far and away the worst. While you’d think these were a piece of footwear that would be reserved for people who wore Tom’s Shoes, instead, they seem to perpetually show up on “that guy.” These people end up looking like hunter/gatherers who have stumbled on steroids instead of squirrels.
You bring outside gym equipment in
It’s a gym. You pay money for the things inside and to pee in the shower. I’ll never understand the people who bring in outside pieces of equipment. If they don’t have it at a place that surely cost several million dollars to build, then you probably don’t need it. People who do this are the folks who go to a bar and ask if they have Chinese Deer Penis Wine and are flabbergasted when they don’t.
You are drinking three different drinks all at the same time
Pick one. You’re still going to be toeing the douchebaggery line, but with all three, your bladder has secured you as one of the worst offenders. If you ever want to find these people, and there are no offending bottles next to them, I suggest punching every single person doing crunches in the stomach and see who lets out a stream of murky yellow liquid.
You take pictures for the ‘gram. A lot of them.
You leave sweat everywhere and don’t clean it up
Wiping any sweat off your equipment after you are done is about as fundamental to civility as not bashing in the skulls of annoying kids. We live in a society.
You have naked conversations in the locker room
As men age, they seem to become more comfortable with their naked bodies around other men, despite the fact that their pectoral muscles and testicles share the same amount of elasticity. Sure, drop trou’ and take a peek at your naked body to make sure everything is still properly attached and to find out if that love blister has turned into an amor volcano. Don’t parade around the locker room and finish things off by Tebowing. Just don’t do it.
You hog the equipment past any reasonable (spoken or unspoken) limits
You ignore the signs posted all over the gym and force people to ask you if the equipment you have some kind of ungodly attachment to is going to be available soon.
You sing or rap your music
Now you’re entering dangerous territory. I’m all for getting pumped up, but barking out abstract impressions of the music being piped into your ear canals is never acceptable in a social setting. You end up looking like a Tourette’s suffer with a slightly sweaty butt crack.
You fumigate your surroundings with body odor
Clouds of potent perspiration billow out of the biological warfare steam engine that is your unshowered metabolism. A search on “gym stinky people” on YouTube results in hundreds of angry rants — as should it.
You’re (trying to) hit on women
So you’ve read some guide on the internet about how to meet chicks at the gym and now you conspicuously creep between any equipment directly adjacent to women trying to get their cardio done. Or maybe you’re just trying to snap pics of women’s butts when they aren’t looking. Or strangle them. It’s one of the three. In any case, most people aren’t autistic — and see what you’re up to.
Have you identified the that guy at your gym yet — or are you him? Let us know in the comments below.
PS. This is a companion piece to 7 ways to be obnoxious while exercising so check that out as well.
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