LULZ / TV & Film

Secrets of Dumbledore

I finally watched this
Apart from the extremely annoying cameras used and some really weird plot moments it's not bad
And by that I mean the cameras have such a narrow focus, everything on the sides suffers from extreme chromatic aberration and gets stretched and deformed
It's used decently in some shots, but the rest of the time it's just kind of ugly
But the worst thing is that it's so fucking inconclusive
Holy shit
No twist ending, nothing matters at the end at all
It's so clearly a middle movie that tells a good story, but it's a story that doesn't actually end because they want to make more movies
Ok Jacob gets his happy ending, but that's just reverting back to the end of the first fantastic beasts
And Credence is dying, but not really, again going back to the end of fantastic beasts 1
The scenes were fun and well done but they were all pointless
They had a bunch of cool ideas and absolutely no reason to even make the movie
Like an episodic tv series where every week something happens but it rarely matters in the long run
What the fuck are they doing?
They even have good ideas how is it this mismanaged?

  1. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    This isn't just the worst movie in the entire fucking Harry Potter franchise, it's literally one of the worst movies I've ever seen. What has been up with movies the past two years? All of them are absolute catshit. Even ones I was looking forward too. Doctor Strange 2 was a total trainwreck, Jurassic World 17 or whatever is basically a Godzilla movie now. Jesus.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      But it's not
      Crimes of Grindelwald was worse, Half Blood Prince was worse as well

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        No. This movie was just plain boring.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Top Gun Maverick is really good anon. Watch it to restore some faith in film.

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Not gonna watch another idea-bankrupt recycled slop.

  2. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    This movie deserves no defense and even any criticism you can give on it is a waste of time. Thankfully my time is worthless so here you go OP.

    >Apart from the extremely annoying cameras used and some really weird plot moments it's not bad

    You mean like how everyone just goes along with it when it turns out literal Hitler is running for wizard king, a title never before mentioned? How everyone goes along with letting some random magic dog choose their leader at the last minute?

    >It's used decently in some shots, but the rest of the time it's just kind of ugly

    Like any other superhero movie it's flashy but not impressive.

    >It's so clearly a middle movie that tells a good story, but it's a story that doesn't actually end because they want to make more movies

    I mean they are making two more. The second movie was already completely skippable, why did you think any movie aside from the last wouldn't be? Fuck you for calling this a good story.

    >They even have good ideas how is it this mismanaged?

    It's literally a movie made by an AI. Computer generated garbage intended to get shoveled into theaters and make a hundred million bucks. And it works.

    This movie had exactly two redeeming factors. The first is based Mads as the bad guy, who does a far better job than Depp. The second is the meme crab walk scene which was actually marginally funny.

    The only reason I went along to watch it because for some reason I believed it'd be the last one, but at the end I started to realize that it wasn't, and I had to look up that they were indeed making two more of these shitpiles. Do Harry Potter fans even like these movies? I think they'd just be interested in more lore about Grindelwald and Dumbledore and more interesting facts and lore about the wizarding world outside of Hogwarts which wasn't so prominently shown in the movies, but instead they just show off some nonsensical light show disguised as a political thriller.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      It was mentioned in the original Harry Potter series, there's an International Confederation of Wizards and there's a Supreme Mugwump
      Dumbledore is the supreme mugwump in Harry's time
      Also the qilin is a magical animal that can see the goodness in people's hearts
      Why it sees that in any politician is anyone's guess but you raise a good point
      First Vogel says that they want to hold elections and let people have their say, then it's all down to the qilin
      Either some scenes got left on the cutting room floor or rewrites were done badly

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >Dumbledore is the supreme mugwump in Harry's time

        iirc it's not shown off as being a very big deal in the Harry Potter films, and it also doesn't actually come up when he dies

        >Also the qilin is a magical animal that can see the goodness in people's hearts

        Sure, but apparently no-one can tell or is interested in whether this thing is actually a live or dead qilin. I'd imagine that if necromancy where a thing this would be an issue, especially if one of the candidates is suddenly like "hey guys we need a magic deer to choose our leader, good thing i brought one".

        It's not that this movie made no sense, it's that it seemed to deliberately make as little sense as possible, or it was written by some deep learning algorithm like that olive garden commercial script.

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >First Vogel says that they want to hold elections and let people have their say, then it's all down to the qilin
        >Either some scenes got left on the cutting room floor or rewrites were done badly
        The magical deer is just to show how 'pure' each candidate is, the wizards still do the voting. That they take into consideration what some pokemon has to show is another matter. Their society is just backwards.

        wtf was even happening in this movie? i stopped watching 20 minutes in

        Reading the wikipedia page is hard.

        • 3 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          Yeah it's retarded completely
          Also, if they do this everytime, does this mean Vogel was pure of heart? Did he also use a zombie qilin?

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >Like any other superhero movie it's flashy but not impressive.
      I was talking about the actual camerawork
      It's like a less terrible version of Zack Snyder's zombie movie in Vegas
      That one was just fucking bad
      And Harry Potter was 7 books but they all had their place, why can't they do it with these?

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Because HP was 7 books

        This one is all original work. It's not as if Rowling is that great of a writer but she wrote a book series she cared about, created a world that was internally consistent to the best of her extent, and told a story she wanted to tell.

        Fantastic Beasts is literally just created by a boardroom of people voting on what they think will test the best with focus groups. There's no overarching story that needs to be told, just 5 movies that need to be filled. See also why the Star Wars sequels were so incoherent.

        • 3 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          >Fantastic Beasts is literally just created by a boardroom of people voting on what they think will test the best with focus groups. There's no overarching story that needs to be told, just 5 movies that need to be filled. See also why the Star Wars sequels were so incoherent.
          That's the problem with original/spin-off franchises in general.

        • 3 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          I'd also mention that HP was kind of like lightning in a bottle, or a fluke. It's not just that it told a nice story, there were a lot of factors tha worked for it. A loved book series, a great cast that actually aged well across films, good marketing, and video-game tie-ins that weren't bad. It's kind of like Pokémon in how it had many seperate pieces that were popular in their own regard. FB is just like a commercial for more toys to sell in HP stores and 'geek' stores alongside Avengers merch.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      I agree with Mads being great, but Depp wasn't bad
      And the Albus vs Credence fight was pretty cool, but the Grindelwald vs Dumbledore was just teasing for future movies, which is a ridiculous way of having the final showdown of your movie
      Really what were they thinking?
      And yeah, more lore is fun, but make it matter, the qilin thing is so obviously shoehorned in the plot to justify the Fantastic Beasts name

      >Dumbledore is the supreme mugwump in Harry's time

      iirc it's not shown off as being a very big deal in the Harry Potter films, and it also doesn't actually come up when he dies

      >Also the qilin is a magical animal that can see the goodness in people's hearts

      Sure, but apparently no-one can tell or is interested in whether this thing is actually a live or dead qilin. I'd imagine that if necromancy where a thing this would be an issue, especially if one of the candidates is suddenly like "hey guys we need a magic deer to choose our leader, good thing i brought one".

      It's not that this movie made no sense, it's that it seemed to deliberately make as little sense as possible, or it was written by some deep learning algorithm like that olive garden commercial script.

      I guess it's like being Secretary General of the UN, not super flashy but important
      And Vogel brought it, he's supposed to be impartial so people trusted him

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >Dumbledore is the supreme mugwump in Harry's time

      iirc it's not shown off as being a very big deal in the Harry Potter films, and it also doesn't actually come up when he dies

      >Also the qilin is a magical animal that can see the goodness in people's hearts

      Sure, but apparently no-one can tell or is interested in whether this thing is actually a live or dead qilin. I'd imagine that if necromancy where a thing this would be an issue, especially if one of the candidates is suddenly like "hey guys we need a magic deer to choose our leader, good thing i brought one".

      It's not that this movie made no sense, it's that it seemed to deliberately make as little sense as possible, or it was written by some deep learning algorithm like that olive garden commercial script.

      I don't think it's written by an AI, but it's a bunch of ideas barely glued together
      For example
      >Newt uses creature knowledge abd his pets to save his brother from a deadly prison
      This is good
      The execution of the entire scenario is even better
      But it's 100% unexplained
      Why did they take Theseus prisoner? And them stick him in the prison with the colossal deadly scorpion? Was Newt authorized to get him out? Was he authorized to just see him? The circumstances make no sense

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        the reason was that they could do the funny crab walk scene

        why else would any government imprison a high-profile politician in a prison in which prisoners are routinely eaten by a giant scorpion

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >Do Harry Potter fans even like these movies?
      nah, not really.
      i liked the orginal potter movies (and the books, obviously)
      i liked the first fantastic beasts movie, too
      (primarly because it was a novelty in many respects)

      i do kinda look forward to seeing dumbledore fighting grindenwalk
      but honestly the prospect of waiting for another filler movie to be released, and then waiting some more for the final one is pretty fucking daunting.

      imo this whole storyline should have been compressed into a trilogy, that would've been way more tolerable.
      one movie to introduce the new set of characters, one movie for the rise of grindenwald and the breaking of the blood pact, final movie with kino dubledore/grindenwald fighting.

  3. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I wasn't a big fan of the first two but decided to watch the new one because Hogwarts was prominent in the trailer so I thought a lot of the film would be set there. But the trailer lied, they barely spend any time in Hogwarts. The film was as shit as the first two.

  4. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    wtf was even happening in this movie? i stopped watching 20 minutes in

  5. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >And Credence is dying, but not really, again going back to the end of fantastic beasts 1
    I think they want to write Ezra out. The man is a disaster.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      A). Ezra isn’t a man
      B). Pretty sure they hate Rowling and want to be written out

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >A). Ezra isn’t a man
        He's a psychotic homosexual. He might as well self-identify as otherkin and that wouldn't make him anyting other than a human with mental issues.

  6. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    bump

  7. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Dumbledores secret was that he was gay

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      His secret was that he was a Nazi in his youth.

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        His secret was his gay bond with his ex boyfriend that he regrets. Doubt things would've led to that soul binding if they weren't gay.

        • 3 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          His secret was feeding far-right ideas to the future wizard Hitler, basically grooming his close friend/lover into becoming the Big Bad of the wizarding world.

          • 3 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            i thought they were both ideologically on the same level back then, and dumbledore grew out of it while the other guy didn't?

          • 3 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            i thought they were both ideologically on the same level back then, and dumbledore grew out of it while the other guy didn't?

            We already knew this
            Remember when Harry Potter had actual twists and reveals?

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      > live in Muslim country
      > they censor or cut the overt gay shit
      > get to end of movie "goddamn why is dumbledore acting so faggy towards the bad guy"
      > find out later he's actually gay and takes it in the ass from mads
      Entirely unnecessary

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        [log in to view media]

        Well, at least in the age of the internet nothing can be hidden from the public.

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        lmao

        • 3 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          NO HOMO

          • 3 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            >lemme just whisper something in your ear dumbledore
            >mmmmm, you smell good, dumbledore.

  8. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I think it's much better than the second movie. Also surprisingly it gets rid of the massive exposition dumps that Rowling loves so much.

    Can't shake the fact it's a middle movie in a series though.

  9. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I didn't ask

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      And yet here you are.

  10. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I wish JK Rowling wasn't so autistic. This series had good potential

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Honestly I can't blame Rowling for anything. She wrote 7 books that became 8 movies that told the story she wanted to tell. It was a finished product, but studios just see a successful franchise and think 'hey, we did this once, why don't we just do it again'

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >'hey, we did this once, why don't we just do it again'
        And it's getting worse every year.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      >I wish JK Rowling wasn't so autistic
      Elaborate. She doesn't seem to care for the HP franchise anymore and would rather stick to writing those Cormoran Strike books.

  11. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    does this movie has kino schizo twists like rapist wizard's baby being swapped on titanic with Dumbledore's secret brother?

  12. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >hurr durr theres chromatic abertation on der bottom and top corners a.k.a. not the focus on the image

    interesting how you are a retard that doesn't understand anamorphic lenses

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Explain.

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Secrets of Dumbledore was shot on anamorphic lenses, I'm not entirely sure which ones but probably new ones that a lot of Alexa mini blockbusters are shooting on, same as Thor Love and Thunder

        OP is complaining about the corners of the image being 'distorted' and having 'chromatic aberration' when that is exactly the point of anamorphic lenses, to bend the image going in to the camera and produce a stretched looking bokeh in an aesthetically pleasing way so that your attention is directed to a specific part of the image

        • 3 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          Thanks!

  13. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    > Cut the whole part of the film about the useless operation to confuse Grindelwald
    > Changing the mainplot: from the election of the head of the Confederation to the election of the German minister
    > Change the main protagonist: Dumbledore cannot be a supporting character in this film.
    > Remove the unnecessary scenes: i.e the black woman in front of the pastry shop or the prison scene and dedicate them to the development of the character of Dumbledore
    > Change the Qilin to an equivalent European creature (a unicorn?)
    > Grindelwald ultimately succeeds in his goal, making the ending bittersweet: dark times are about to come.
    Done. Fixed.

  14. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    buns :3

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