Look, I should first say that I don’t have any problem with Internet pornography or adult film actresses. And there is probably a very substantial list of reasons why dating a porn actress would possibly be one of the most awesome things to happen in your life. For starters, you can get that “My other ride is a porn star” bumper sticker you always wanted to slap on your Jetta! And I’m sure there are other (mind-blowing) things that would be make a relationship of this sort both exciting and fascinating (maybe terrifying).
Yet, from a male perspective, I feel like doing so would be a burden on your sanity. There are a lot of things to consider before entering into a relationship with an adult film actress.
Every guy will hit on her
There is something mysterious about a woman that attracts us to them in the first place. History tells us that most men will treat a woman differently after sleeping with her.
But porn stars seem to unlock what we’ll call the “I’ve seen you naked” Paradox. Consider how many men watch porn (according to studies, it’s somewhere around 100%) and factor in the fact that the people who have seen you girlfriend naked will literally be everywhere you go.
Now, most men would see an attractive woman who is way out of his league and would simply leave her alone or halfheartedly hit on her. But this man has seen your lady do the nasty so many times that through the transitive property of the horny male mind, he has a shot with her no matter his looks, location, or social status.
The fact that someone is a porn star is often misconstrued by men as “she’ll be most likely to have sex with me because it is her job, after all.” And while you may be basking in the thought of sleeping with one; you probably couldn’t be more off-base. But, if you were dating an adult actress, men would hit on her everywhere she went. Of course this happens with every beautiful woman, but coupled with the delusion that every guy that hits on her in a grocery store probably thinks shes going to immediately take them to their car and change their life sexually in the back row of the Trader Joe’s parking lot — you have a makings of a potentially volatile situation every time you go out in public.
You are going to get into fights with other dudes
No guy likes when other dudes are creeping on his girlfriend, but when guys at in the line at 7-11 start using the opening line “I’d like to give you like a footlong? And it’s not the one in my hand…” What the hell are you supposed to do? Obviously, you would have to confront the guy. But can you blame him? That was an awesome line and I mean come on, when is this guy gonna get another chance to use a gem like that? Answer: Probably never.
But that’s your girl. You have to do the “Hey, Buddy. Who you talking to?” routine and more than likely a scuffle of some sort will end with either fisticuffs or an exchange of sharp language in the parking lot.
And this would happen all the damn time. Everywhere you go someone will say something crude or grab her ass. In simple terms: the inappropriate level that your woman brings out in people of the general public will be off the damn charts.
So go out and purchase a pair of boxing gloves, a Bowflex, and the most comprehensive health insurance plan that you can afford; you are going to need to be fit and ready to fight at all times.
She will be probably be hot. People will notice that. They will whisper…
Many adult film actresses have had ample work done on their faces and maybe boosted a few key areas with some silicone during their time in the Valley. How you look on camera is more important than anything else in the porn industry. So other men and women are going to notice her as you are out and about.
Not all of them, but enough to catch you attention and maybe make you a little paranoid. It’s the good kind of paranoid until you realize what people are thinking about when they see her.
Probably most embarrassing if she has had some work done on her chest area and the stewardess mentions flotation devices and everyone looks at your girlfriend’s chest and whispers, “Well, she’ll ain’t drowning.”
Everything she does will be “well documented”
It’s not like she used to be stripper and you can maybe keep a lid on or keep a low profile. Once you go into porn, you are always in porn. There will be pictures, films and Web sites all devoted to her and what she does for a living floating around for the rest of time.
It is the least discreet occupation a person can have. And it will more than likely be an inescapable part of her life. If you decided at some point that you wanted to move somewhere and get a fresh start, you’d still probably find people that knew who your girlfriend was. The internet is, like, everywhere. They even have it in Delaware.
You will almost never want to talk about her day at work
No guy ever wants to ask, “Hey Beautiful, what did you do at work today?” and hear “An entire football team.”
That talk your girlfriend has about the bitchy girl in her office is annoying, certainly. But it probably can’t compare to hearing your porn star girlfriend talking about how she can’t see out of her right eye due to Johnny Sinz’s errant aim.
I said before that I personally don’t think of adult film stars as bad or sinful people. However, a lot of people you encounter on a day-to-day basis do.
The stigma of having sex for a living is still a very touchy (no pun intended) subject. And by that, I mean, most people (guessing mostly female in nature) will judge your girlfriend adversely once they find out what she does for a living. She will probably be called a slut or a whore behind your/her back at most turns and when she is dressed for work… people will know what she does. They just will. Nobody dresses like that at 2pm on a Tuesday afternoon.
Is it embarrassing? Well, that would be up to you. Some people wouldn’t let the situation affect them, but I’m guessing sometimes you’d feel a bit ashamed.
Sure, sex is great and we live in liberated times, but if your lady’s number of sexual partners possibly numbers into the hundreds…well, sex is supposed to be a shared bond between two people (maybe three if you get her drunk enough).
But if you love this person and don’t care about anything else, then you aren’t worried about people staring and whispering when they see her. I congratulate you and can say without question that you are a better than I. Love conquers all.
Good luck telling Grandma what your lady did in her last project “Blondes Under the Big Top 4: Clowns on Patrol” during Thanksgiving dinner.
Remember Bjork and Ricardo Lopez? What do you think your pornstar girlfriend’s stalkers are going to do when they find out she’s attached? Exactly — you don’t know, because nuts are entirely unpredictable.
People are going to want pictures and autographs from her
This is probably going to be uncomfortable and borderline inappropriate. “Can I see your piercings?” and “Will you sign my ass?” and “Now, tell me this isn’t the biggest one you’ve ever seen?” will become the questions you will start to hear in your sleep.
She will have award shows and film openings that you will have to go to
Imagine a room filled to the brim with people from the adult film industry. Men and women of various shapes and color all coming together to celebrate their achievements in the film industry.
You look around and maybe take a few laps with your lady. Now, when you meet guys from her past, you sometimes get “the look.” That look is basically a guy insinuating that he’s shared a bed with your girlfriend in a Biblical sense. It’s the worst look a guy can give another guy.
Now, imagine the next 3 hours of your life, where you go up and shake someones hand and every time you do, you get that look. And remember, in this situation it’s not just men who give you that look. And while that fact is kinda sexy, I imagine that you would probably just drink heavily and try not to ask too many questions.
And then you realize that “the look” isn’t the worse thing that could happen to you tonight. You ask yourself, “I wonder how many of these people have slept with my girlfriend” and then an hour later you have that question is passionately answered on a 30 foot movie screen as a room full of people watch and cheer the screams of your one-and-only in the throws of passion with one or several strangers. Not a fun prospect.
Ah, who the hell cares!! You only go around once in this life, right? **
** That is not what she said.
Shawn Norris used to write things for National Lampoon and the now-defunct Blue Monkey Disco Party as “Douche Larue.” Now he spends most of his time writing jokes, scripts, and trying to find a literary agent that will return his calls. Even though he wasn’t born yet, he often takes credit for faking the moon landing. Also, he’s allergic to tequila — it makes him breakout in felonies.