These days everyone is walking around with a high quality camera and can take a picture and share it at any given moment. Normally this would be a good thing, but most people aren’t taking well composed photos of interesting subject matter. Instead, they are abusing the technology with terribly cliché photos. The list is long, but we’ve narrowed down the 9 worst offenses out there today.
Mirror pictures didn’t start with the invention of the camera phone, but they certainly multiplied because of it. While there are plenty of galleries of sexy mirror shots, the vast majority of them are ugly, awkward, or worse. No one wants to see the awful art on your bathroom walls, how many plies you use, the toothpaste splatter on your mirror, or how filthy your shower is. Unfortunately these are all side effects of taking pictures of yourself in the mirror.
It’s easy to avoid. Just don’t take the picture. If you absolutely must, point the camera at yourself and only use the mirror to see the viewfinder. Due to anatomy, your arm will reach just far enough to get you in the shot and not the rest of your surroundings.
People love posting pregnancy pictures. A picture here and there is fine by me. You’re excited; I get it. When the album turns into a weekly self-portrait it’s time to shut it down. It’s fine to document that for your own enjoyment, but there’s no reason to constantly upload photos of yourself getting bigger an inch at a time.
Even worse is the scanned sonogram. I barely want to see a picture of your baby, but now I have to see constant updates about some blue pixels? Half the time I can’t even tell where the kid is. It could be a bathymetric LiDAR picture of the Mariana Trench for all I know.
Feel free to continue taking the pictures, but either keep them on your computer, make a scrap book, or just share them with your parents. No one else cares.
Food porn has really taken off since phones became better at shooting in low light. Anytime I find myself out to dinner somewhere nicer than Chipotle, I see someone who takes a picture of their meal the second it hits the table. For some reason people think that we all want to know what they’re having for dinner.
If it’s the dessert table at Alinea I’ll allow it, but no one cares what your Grand Slam from Denny’s looks like. Unless you get paid to write about food or you’re trying something exotic, there’s no reason anyone needs to know what you’re eating.
Just pick up your fork, put the food in your mouth, chew, swallow, repeat until you’re a member of the clean plate club. Your phone shouldn’t come out of your pocket unless you’re texting a friend to call you and pretend like it’s an emergency so you can get out of a bad date.
If you’ve been to a concert on this side of the millennium, you undoubtedly seen 1000’s of phones held up to take pictures. I’d be willing to bet I can describe 95% of those photos for you without having seen them. There are some lasers, some bright lights (probably blue), and a stage with a few indistinguishable people on it. Congrats, now have a totally unique and original picture that a million other people have taken. You might as well throw it on Instagram, distort it a little more, and pretend like you’re a professional band photographer.
The question is, would you go to the concert alone? No, obviously not. Concerts are all about the shared experience, so have someone take a picture of you and your friends with the stage in the background instead. You’ll save the great memory from the night and have just as good of an image of the stage as you would have with your hand over your head like an idiot.
Girls squatting pictures
For some strange reason, women in groups feel the need to squat down for pictures. My first instinct was to assume the taller ladies are simply trying to not appear like giants next to their 5-foot friends, but you’ll notice even the short stacks are squatting.
The next thought was they wanted to ensure that their shoes they care so much about were in the shot, but I’ve yet to see the picture with framing/cropping to support that. The only remaining explanation is that either there is a gravitation glitch surrounding groups of women or they are just slightly insane.
In both cases, there’s an easy solution. Just stop. Stand up like normal human beings. Guys almost all go a little nuts for a nice set of legs, so why would anyone try to minimize them for a picture. There are plenty of upright sexy poses, but this isn’t one of them.
Inexplicably, people feel the need to molest inanimate objects. Nearly every street level statue in America has been caressed, cupped, licked, or straddled. It’s hard to explain people’s need to pose with statues and cardboard cutouts, but it’s apparently impossible to walk by one without taking a stupid picture and uploading it to Facebook.
The ladies are the worst too because they toy with our emotions. If they really wanted to molest something, most of us would certainly have volunteered. But instead they go on pretending they like doing incredibly slutty things so long as there can be no reciprocation. If you must show off Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench, sit next to him and pretend like you’re sharing a Big Mac.
For the love of all that is great about photographs, please stop doing this. We men have plenty of stupid poses, but there is nothing worse than women rocking the duck face. I don’t know who the first one to think this looked good was, but I hope they met a horrible end. The name alone should give them a clue that no one likes this bastardized version of Blue Steel.
I know women try to claim that it’s a kissy face, but have you ever seen someone make that face in the throes of passion? More importantly, would you kiss that face? I wouldn’t. Just smile for the picture. Women may be into that whole brooding look, but guys are a sucker for a beautiful smile.
It was tough to choose between fake gang signs, peace signs, chunking the deuce, bunny ears, and middle fingers, so they all make the cut. Once the camera comes out, people completely lose track of what to do with their hands. It’s as if we all instantaneously turn into Ricky Bobby after his first big win.
Let’s be clear though, you aren’t in a gang, you probably aren’t an Asian tourist, and your middle finger isn’t scaring or offending anyone. Stop ruining every picture I’m trying to send to my mother as proof of life. If you can’t pose like a reasonable human being, you shouldn’t be in the photo. Stand there and smile. I’ll even let you get away with a hover hand if you’re scared of psychical contact.
This cliche shot shouldn’t really need to be addressed, but the issue just won’t seem to go away. Guys, I hate to break it to you, but no one wants to see your nether regions. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. Just because you would love for your girlfriend, or even a stranger, to send you a picture of herself in various states of undress, that doesn’t mean she wants the same thing. Let’s be honest with ourselves here; it’s doesn’t make for a pretty picture. It also causes nothing but trouble.
You aren’t going to get laid because you show a woman what you have to offer, and if she’s repulsed enough, it’s a fast train to the the sex offender list for you. If you do have the sort of lady that requests a picture, she likely still doesn’t mean the thunder down under. There’s a reason that Playboy’s circulation numbers dwarf Playgirl’s, so either keep that phone in your pocket or stick with a shot of that ugly mug of yours.
PS: Did you know you can encrypt all your online traffic with the highest rated VPN for as little as $2.75/month? Check out NordVPN.