>out of long relationship. >Still completely fucked mentally. >Do the best to keep my shit together

>out of long relationship
>Still completely fricked mentally
>Do the best to keep my shit together
>Meet someone new
>In new relationship with her since 3 months
>Don't believe that she has any feelings for me despite her showing that she loves me
>She drives one and half hours just to see me and then wakes up early to go to work and drive another one and half hours
>Planned vacation together and have future plans
>Has her personal stuff here at my place too
>She even gave me her apartment key
>Introduced to her family and friends
>Literally takes care of me while I was sick
>Tells me she loves me
>Still can't believe her
>Still have doubts
>Still suspect she's just playing with me
>If she sends me a text and she uses an orange heart emoji I start thinking she's fooling me, I overanalyse everything
>If she replies differently I go crazy overthinking
>Have more stress due to this, trying to keep it together in front of her but sometimes I slip
>I feel like a ball of string that slowly but surely is unraveling
>I overthink EVERYTHING

These feelings are fricking me up. I'm going insane. What should I do to stop this?

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  1. 1 year ago
    Anonymous

    Breakup and let her live her life with someone that appreciates her.

    • 1 year ago
      Anonymous

      I totally appreciate her.
      I keep these feelings inside me and don't show them. But sometimes my anxiety shows just a minute and I think she notices it.

      • 1 year ago
        Anonymous

        having a constructive conversation where you honestly lay out your fears and consider what she has to say with an open mind, is probably the more natural way forward. There is no need to hide your feelings especially if you are going to stay with her, as inaction may cause issues in the long run.
        Anyway I rambling, hope you find a solution anon.

        • 1 year ago
          Anonymous

          >There is no need to hide your feelings especially if you are going to stay with her, as inaction may cause issues in the long run
          Right. He's not interested in staying with her, and he's looking for issues because he doesn't want to be in it for the long run, probably because he just got out of a long relationship. Sadly, he's twisting things around to where it's her fault instead of just being a real homie and telling her what's up

          Of course, this leaves him in a position where he can't be hurt, and her in a position where she's basically guaranteed to be hurt, if things keep going

  2. 1 year ago
    Anonymous

    >Don't believe that she has any feelings for me despite her showing that she loves me
    >Still can't believe her
    >Still have doubts
    >Still suspect she's just playing with me
    Why you say stuff like this when it is YOU that doesn't have feelings for HER. YOU that is playing HER. You that that is playing the games, you that should be the one being doubted, YOU. Why, OP? Or did you not see that?

    • 1 year ago
      Anonymous

      I do have feelings for her

      >There is no need to hide your feelings especially if you are going to stay with her, as inaction may cause issues in the long run
      Right. He's not interested in staying with her, and he's looking for issues because he doesn't want to be in it for the long run, probably because he just got out of a long relationship. Sadly, he's twisting things around to where it's her fault instead of just being a real homie and telling her what's up

      Of course, this leaves him in a position where he can't be hurt, and her in a position where she's basically guaranteed to be hurt, if things keep going

      I am totally interested in staying with her, I love her.
      My issue is that I'm completely fricked with anxiety due to past experiences where I couldn't show anything slightly negative about me without the other person having problems with it.

      I just want to be able to be normal, I don't know how.

      • 1 year ago
        Anonymous

        >I just want to be able to be normal, I don't know how.
        Were you "normal" before your last relationship? Did you show all the negative things about yourself in your last relationship (until it became clear it was a problem, I mean)?

        • 1 year ago
          Anonymous

          I was for several years, but then towards the end I started to have anxiety problems and it all came out. I was the one that ruined my previous relationship because of how negative I had become.
          It reached a point where she couldn't handle it anymore and was suffering due to me, so I broke up after almost a decade of being together so that she could be happy and find a better guy.

          • 1 year ago
            Anonymous

            >I was the one that ruined my previous relationship because of how negative I had become.
            Wait what? What makes you believe this? Go into detail, compadre..

          • 1 year ago
            Anonymous

            I had a mental breakdown regarding my work some years back. She supported me a lot, but it changed my personality to such a degree that I became incredibly negative, anxious and started having insomnia, which basically made the problem worse.
            All I did during the last years of the relationship was dump all the shit I was going through on her, constantly, every single day. She tried being supportive but at the end it was too much for her, I could see how she was suffering a lot and despite her being a sunshine 24/7, she started to have issues herself.

            After many months of contemplating and noticing how I was destroying this amazing person, I broke up with her. I still can't handle the feeling of blame for all the shit I did to her during those last years.
            Just writing this makes me tear up to be honest because I can still feel the pain I caused her.

            I still have huge issues with self blame.

          • 1 year ago
            Anonymous

            >I still have huge issues with self blame.
            Look mate, I'll be honest with you. Dumping your issues on your partner wasn't good. You realise that. But you were in a state of agony and needed support and at the time didn't know what else to do. It sucks that it ruined something great. But the past is in the past. Blame and guilt won't serve you well. Acceptance will. Accept that it happened, accept that the actions you took (and the ones you didn't take) led to their natural conclusion and that it was bad. But move on. You made mistakes, you learned from them. What you're doing now is the polar opposite of what happened with your ex: you're trying to carry that entire burden by yourself. That's not healthy either. Both extremes will run the risk of ruining the relationship down the line. It's okay to open up, it's okay to share the burden, but be aware of your partner's needs. You're being hypervigilant right now which is honestly understandable. But try to be aware that it won't do you any good. Feel out your partner's boundaries, together, with her, and share the bad and the good without offloading responsibility or taking up all her energy. How that looks in detail is something you can only find out together.

          • 1 year ago
            Anonymous

            How disgusting
            You're abusive

      • 1 year ago
        Anonymous

        I completely understand you, anon. I've been left alone to rot after opening up too many times as well.
        All you can do is grid your teeth and do it anyway. Have that conversation with her. Tell her how you feel, tell her why you feel that way, that you don't want to feel that way about her, that you want to fully trust her but that you struggle. Also tell her that you're working on it but it will take time.
        You seem to be aware that it's on your end, not hers. This tells me that you're a reflective person and can critically examine why you feel the way you feel. She's going to notice that as well. If she's the one she'll stay with you and give you the time and support you need to get over this. If she leaves you over it, she was never going to be the one and you've saved yourself a lot of time and more severe heartbreak down the line.
        If you feel like you can't overcome this on your own, it's okay to seek help. That can be a therapist, talking to friends about this or just typing "how to get over trust issues" into Google and reading a few articles.
        But to move forward you HAVE to have that conversation with her and be honest about it. Don't go into detail about what your exes did if you don't want to, but explain that past experiences are the reason you have these issues.

        • 1 year ago
          Anonymous

          I'm going to have this conversation with her, but I do not how to approach it properly because I don't want to give her the feeling that I'm dumping baggage on her.

          I've been trying to find therapy for a while without success because everything is full here where I live.

          • 1 year ago
            Anonymous

            >I'm going to have this conversation with her, but I do not how to approach it properly because I don't want to give her the feeling that I'm dumping baggage on her
            Then don't view it as doing that. As in, don't dump baggage on her. Let her know you have that baggage, let her know you're doing your best to carry it, and let her know you don't expect her to be your therapist but that you want her to understand you since you're serious about her and think it's only fair.

            >I've been trying to find therapy for a while without success because everything is full here where I live
            Have you considered video call therapy? It's definitely not for everyone but worth a shot, and should mitigate the availability issue somewhat. Even then Therapy isn't the only option you have. Self help groups are also a thing. With any luck there'll be people there who are in therapy and can tell you about what they've learned and how they applied it, and from there you can figure out how to apply that stuff yourself. It's not as "easy" as going to a therapist but with limited options you gotta take what you get. It definitely beats doing nothing and helplessly watching from the sidelines as the maladaptive protection mechanisms your brain learned to divert harm from you take over and mess up your life.

      • 1 year ago
        Anonymous

        Go to therapy, moron

  3. 1 year ago
    Anonymous

    Unironical cognitive therapy might help. Talking all your crazy overthinking thoughts out to someone trained to politely tell you that's a bit much helps put it all in perspective.

    Ultimately you have these feelings of being unlovable that are not true that you have to overcome. Actually being loved doesn't fix it in itself. That's an internal issue for you to fix. Loving others helps you believe you are capable of being loved. Try loving the frick out of your girlfriend. Spoiling her, go pick up some wildflowers for her the next time you go see her just because. Ask her about her day and genuinely listen to her and support her. Frick her senseless and eat her out nasty after. Take her out dancing even if you hate dancing force yourself to do something for her out of love and desire to make her happy. When you see that she is feeling loved and secure it will boast your confidence at loving and being able to receive love.

  4. 1 year ago
    Anonymous

    You have a mental problem, you need therapy or pills or something. You're not going to think your way to a solution on your own.

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