7 ways to be obnoxious while exercising Some people take their exercise too far in an attempt to impress the masses—or equally stupid reasons.

We all try to exercise in some capacity. Some choose to get fit in the great outdoors, while others enjoy the comfort of a weight room or gymnasium. Unfortunately, some people take their exercise too far in an attempt to impress the masses. Here are a few ways people become obnoxious while they’re breaking a sweat.

Ride your bike in the middle of the street

Do you want to live in a body cast for the rest of your life? You couldn’t pick a more dangerous hobby in Los Angeles, except maybe mapping out what colors you could wear in South Central without getting shot. People there will purposely ride their bikes everywhere they shouldn’t. When I go around a sharp mountain curve, I’m not expecting to see Lance Armstong peddling away to his own imaginary bike race.

Unless you have a bet with your doctor about lowering your heart rate, the only thing you are going to win by riding your bike in the middle of the road is “The Schwinn Memorial Award for Morons Run Over by a Tractor Trailer.” You’re telling me that you can’t find anyplace to ride a bike other than the middle of a busy road? Tax payer money builds parks especially for you to ride bikes in!

Because the urge to hit a spandexed-up Schwinn jockey on a 12-speed who is backing traffic to a halt during rush hour is so intense that it’ll cause even the best hearted people to think about taking you ass over handlebars into the nearest guardrail. So for the Love of God, if you need to ride a bike, please do it somewhere that isn’t a heavily trafficked road designed specifically for automobiles.

Be the person who sweats everywhere

Everyone hates following the Creature from the Black Lagoon when using Nautilus equipment. You lay down and immediately start to stick to the machine. Then the stench of a hundred sweat soaked human beings wafts into your nose and makes you seriously contemplate buying a Bowflex. Just bring a towel and wipe down the equipment after you are done. It’s not time consuming or difficult. Even for someone who is obviously some sort of swamp monster.

Wear Spandex

You should be a professional athlete with body fat index less than 8 % if you want to wear spandex. Or you need to have an unbelievably good looking body. Otherwise you just look ridiculous.

Make your workout a competition

The gym is a competition between me and my heart… and years of consuming delicious red meat, while simultaneously smoking Marlboro Reds and eating a lifetime of deep fried Twinkies in a single afternoon. I have no beef with you, fellow gym goer. This is not a competition between you and I to see who can elliptical bike to the top of Mt. Everest the fastest or to see who can be the first to break the sound barrier on the treadmill. If I wanted to compete while running, I’d run a 10 K or joined the Army, OK? I’m just here to burn some calories and admire the women who can properly rock spandex without causing my heart to make that popping sound that happens when you uncork a champagne bottle.

Wear shorts when it’s 20 below outside

We’ve all seen this guy. You are standing outside of somewhere freezing your ass off and complaining about not being able to feel your extremities and some nut goes running by in just shorts and a t-shirt. They think they look like a total bad ass when their bright pink cheeks and Asics breeze by us in 10 degree weather. They think we see them running and feel they’ve conquered Mother Nature’s icy grip. In actuality, we secretly hope they get locked out of their house in order to learn a lesson on choosing the proper ensemble to venture out into the cold with.

I understand you’re hot when you exercise, but let’s be realistic, no one is sweating THAT much. Even Eskimos on the Discovery Channel wear a coat when they go out to wrangle wild yaks. You aren’t running on the sun, so maybe throw on a jacket and some pants next time you go jogging in the bitter cold. We aren’t going to think any less of you. It’s not proving you are tough, it’s proving that you are certifiably insane.

Do laps when kids are playing in the pool

I know that kids get super annoying when around water of any sort, but most community pools are meant mostly for the amusement of children. Don’t go down to the neighborhood pool in the middle of a summer afternoon and expect to get a Michael Phelpsian workout. Let the kids have some fun. Sure, you have as much of a right to the pool as they do, but you have more options than they do. Like night swimming. Sans bathing suit. Ideally not next to a school zone.

Grunt

The sound of a rhinoceros that has just gone into labor with twins is never sexy. Especially when the sound is coming from a sleeveless human being trying to “maximize his pump” by doing 5 more reps on the squat thrust.

Now, I understand that there will be grunting and words of encouragement shouted at any gym that you exercise in. That’s totally cool, because people need to be able to use some sort of release when benching or pushing themselves to the limit physically. But sending out shrieks of anger that sound like two rabid gorillas mating at the zoo is both disturbing and unnecessary. We all know that you’re working hard at getting that Men’s Fitness cover, but you gotta tone it down a bit. You’re at a 12, and I think we need you at about a 6. No, it has nothing to do with reps… please just tone down the grunting till you get back home.

***

Want to get even more specific? This is a companion piece to 10 signs you’re “that guy” at the gym.

PS: Did you know you can encrypt all your online traffic with the highest rated VPN for as little as $2.75/month? Check out NordVPN.

Shawn Norris used to write things for National Lampoon and the now-defunct Blue Monkey Disco Party as "Douche Larue." Now he spends most of his time writing jokes, scripts, and trying to find a literary agent that will return his calls. Even though he wasn’t born yet, he often takes credit for faking the moon landing. Also, he’s allergic to tequila -- it makes him breakout in felonies.

avatar
  Subscribe  
newest oldest
Notify of
Man
Guest
Man

Grunting is the way of men. I grunt when I wake up, when I chop logs and when I tell my wife to get back in the kitchen. You’re unmanly views is a insult to me and real men around the world. Grunting is far more effective in the gym, so much so I grunt pretty much after doing anything. Sometimes I don’t even say a single word. I just grunt. And that is enough. When I grunt the nearest beta male brings me their sister in hopes I don’t crush him like babies.

If you have never grunted after chopping a tree down with your bare hands, you can not say a word against grunting.

Christian
Guest
Christian

[re: biking] Actually there is a speed minimum. at least around where i live. Its common sense if you’re being stupid and going 10mph in a 35mph zone and your car is clearly healthy and not dying, you’re getting pulled over cause it is dangerous.

To cyclist: The law saying your allowed to ride in the middle of the road is an outdated one. Yea, no ones gonna stop you, and you can do it. But if you’re obviously slowing down traffic, how ’bout you NOT be a douchebag and just to the side a bit and let cars pass. Then get back on the road when its clear. Who knows who you might be holding up. Maybe some poor women who’s water just broke and is being rushed to the hospital, or a medical emergency. The law maybe on your side, but the road manual also suggests that you be courteous and be a defensive driver, not aggressive.

to motorists: I’m with you when ya’ll say youre more entitled to the road. After all, thats whats its for. But really, dont be a douchebag. If theres a cyclists in the middle of the road holding up traffic. Give him a few seconds to realize what he’s doing. Or respectfully make it obvious that he is. If after what’s said has been done and he’s being a dick about it, proceed to cussing the jackass out. And if you have a long enough tail, you’ll have others backing you up. Dont let no spandex wearing pansy punk you around. But as also said to the cyclist…be courteous and respectful. Be defensive and nonagressive.

=D, thank you.

Ken
Guest
Ken

I’m a car-driver 99% of the time and a bicyclist the other 1%. You bike-haters seem to think that you are so important that any minor inconvenience gives you justification to abuse anyone or anything smaller, weaker, or slower than yourselves. The world does not revolve around you. Be happy that the 18-wheeler in your rear view mirror doesn’t feel the same way toward you as he brakes while your Prius is accelerating in the on-ramp. Go ahead, run over any biker, pedestrian, dog or kid that gets in your way. Then enjoy your prison stay.

Al
Guest
Al

Why does being anonymous on the internet make everyone so mean? And Alex, I agree, this is a boring article, and a really stupid website, the only reason I’m posting comments here is because it is slightly amusing to me. Anyway…

Bernie: I do not ‘believe’ that I deserve as much of the road as your V8 Durango, thats common sense I should think. I don’t necessarily bike in the middle of the road, I try to bike toward the right side of the right lane when its not a specific turn lane. I stop at MOST stop signs unless there is NO traffic on any point in the intersection, then I am cautious, and may not fully stop. Do you always fully stop? Do you always signal? Drive the speed limit? I think my point is made. “The road was made for cars”, this is true, and sidewalks were made for walking people, and ten year olds biking four blocks and talking about power rangers. NOT for people who use bicycles as a means of transportation, and as many have said, it is ILLEGAL to bike on sidewalks, and actually very dangerous, because at an intersection, drivers aren’t looking at sidewalks at cross streets, they are looking at the streets. I’m not some health nut either, I drive a car too, I’m not a bike or die kind of personality so don’t go jumping to conclusions. Do I think I “deserve the same amount of ‘respect’ as someone in a car”, well, I’m not even sure what you mean by that sentence, but I think this: I have to be much more careful then people driving a car, because if I get hit, I die. I don’t have any weird notions that my helmet will protect me from your monster car. How often are you really slowed down by bicyclists anyway? Is it really that often of a problem? Is your life completely ruined because of this? Have you had people you have known die in bicycle accidents because of impatient, rude, and ignorant drivers? Let’s be honest with ourselves here…

Steve: Wow, what is with this logic of yours that bikers are ‘trying’ to slow you down on purpose, like its some evil plan…I’m not ignorant or arrogant actually, and as someone else has pointed out, where I tend to bike, biking is FASTER THAN DRIVING (downtown Minneapolis). Yes, hard to believe for some of you probably, but believe it. I’m not really asking for your sympathy when I’m biking up a hill, I shouldn’t have made that insinuation so I apologize, but what’s with all your anger, huh? It is this kind of anger and impatience that causes accidents, not just car>bike accidents, but car>car. By the way, you know those events (Critical Mass), where bikers take to the streets in droves specifically to annoy drivers and create ‘bike awareness’? I think those events are ridiculous, dangerous, and illegal myself. I’m not asking for drivers to bow down to a biker, I’m asking drivers to read their State drivers manuals, and respect a person biking down the road JUST as much as you would respect someone driving down the road in their car. That’s all I ask for… Simple enough for you to comprehend?

MRB
Guest
MRB

1. Bicycling in the middle of the road is, by far, the safest place to ride your bicycle. I’ve been hit twice – both times by some driver trying to pass in too-tight of a space and clipping me as I tried to hug the parking lane. No more. Right down the middle. In downtown areas, bicycles are just as fast if not faster than automobiles.

2. I sweat. nothing to be done about it. It’s common courtesy to wipe equipment down after use, regardless of how sweaty you are.

bobby
Guest
bobby

When I see an annoying cyclist hogging the road, i get in front of them and drive 5 mph too to slow them down. Another good way to get back at them is to turn on my windshield wiper/cleaner since mine tends to overshoot and give them a nice little bath. They probably don’t realize it, but all that cycling has made them pretty stinky. You’re welcome for the bath spandex dude.

Mark
Guest
Mark

I can’t believe you cyclist haters. If you come across a tractor, or a giant truck, slowly driving up a hill and holding up traffic, do you also get unreasonably angry? I bet you don’t hold the same negative thoughts towards large trucks as you do towards cyclists. These guys have equal rights to the road as those of us driving, regardless of how inconvenient it is to have to wait until it’s safe to pass.

chi
Guest
chi

In many places, riding a bike on the sidewalk is illegal, whereas it is perfectly legal for bikes to ride on the street. Also, your average person walks at 3mph and your I ride my bike at around 18mph, which means that there would be a lot of dead pedestrians if I rode my bike on the sidewalk.

As a hard working college student riding my bike to school or to buy groceries, nothing pisses me off more then stupid motorists that think its their god-given right to honk and swear at me and cut me off. I don’t have the money to buy a car, and public transportation in Los Angeles is a joke, so a bike is really my only option. Obnoxious motorists need to get a clue and stop being such jerks.

Eazy-E
Guest
Eazy-E

so you are annoyed by someone who walks at a slow rate of speed on the sidewalk but a car driver having to sit behind someone on a bike going uphill at 7Mph has no right to complain? Unless you ride in the Tour De’ anything you are NOT riding your $300 bike 18Mph uphill. I agree bikes should have rights to ride on the street but if a car is coming do what you can and move out of the way, I do what I can to give you room when I can get into the other lane safely I think it’s reasonable for bikes to try to move over for cars when they can. Share the road!

Al
Guest
Al

Actually, in many states (all the states I have lived in) people on a bicycle have the right to ride on any street they wish, even the busy ones downtown. In fact, its a complete outrage that automobile drivers get upset about this. You’re in a car! Sorry if you have to slow down for a second when you’re going up a hill, sheesh, at least you’re not peddling up it! How many times have us bikers been sworn at, yelled at, and practically run over by angry drivers trying to prove the obvious fact that their vehicle is bigger than us and our bike? Read your drivers manual, and you will understand the law. Obviously some bicyclists are not too friendly to traffic around them but, the same could be said about a majority of drivers. Your drive time taking a few minutes longer is really just too bad, you don’t have a monopoly on the roads…

Steve
Guest
Steve

Hey Al you know why we’re in cars? Because we don’t want to be on a bike. And you’re on abike because you want to be. Are you seriously ignorant and arrogant enough to think that you have any right whatsoever to slow me down because you chose a certain mode of transportation? I have no sympathy whatsoever for anyone peddling up a hill because that’s how they chose to get around.

kyle
Guest
kyle

steve you’re an idiot, you can’t just disobey a law because it inconveniences you. i hope the next biker you threaten to run over or scream profanities at calls the cops.

bernie you’re also a retard

Bernie
Guest
Bernie

As soon as i see that guy on a bike pull out his phone and dial 911, im flooring it.
i hope your spandex and cute helmet protects you from my 5.9L v8 Durango

eric
Guest
eric

bernie, you are dumb.

sidewalk is made for pedestrians. the word “sidewalk” has the word “walk.” Coincidence?

you bought and drive a durango. the word “dumb” starts with a “D” like durango. coincidence? doubt it.

Bernie
Guest
Bernie

Hi Al, let me please explain to you why your wrong, regardless of the law being on your side. I am an average guy. I own a car, drive it to work and classes, and follow traffic laws. BUT, a person on a bike that thinks they deserve the same amount of respect as someone in a car is absolutely insane. Do you stop at stop signs? HONESTLY? It’s a rare sight to see a person on a bike come to a complete stop, make a ridiculous arm signal, and proceed traveling. The road was made for cars. They conveniently happen to be the width of a car. Right next to the road is the invention called a sidewalk. The sidewalk is the width of a bike. Coincidence? Have you ever considered for one minute that, myself, a hard working college student cant afford to stop for every poopyhole on a bike to make his merry way up the giant hill? Its not so much that I think I own the road. Its the fact that you think, because of your “healthy” or “better” way of travel, that i should have to put up with you.