We all try to exercise in some capacity. Some choose to get fit in the great outdoors, while others enjoy the comfort of a weight room or gymnasium. Unfortunately, some people take their exercise too far in an attempt to impress the masses. Here are a few ways people become obnoxious while they’re breaking a sweat.
Ride your bike in the middle of the street
Do you want to live in a body cast for the rest of your life? You couldn’t pick a more dangerous hobby in Los Angeles, except maybe mapping out what colors you could wear in South Central without getting shot. People there will purposely ride their bikes everywhere they shouldn’t. When I go around a sharp mountain curve, I’m not expecting to see Lance Armstong peddling away to his own imaginary bike race.
Unless you have a bet with your doctor about lowering your heart rate, the only thing you are going to win by riding your bike in the middle of the road is “The Schwinn Memorial Award for Morons Run Over by a Tractor Trailer.” You’re telling me that you can’t find anyplace to ride a bike other than the middle of a busy road? Tax payer money builds parks especially for you to ride bikes in!
Because the urge to hit a spandexed-up Schwinn jockey on a 12-speed who is backing traffic to a halt during rush hour is so intense that it’ll cause even the best hearted people to think about taking you ass over handlebars into the nearest guardrail. So for the Love of God, if you need to ride a bike, please do it somewhere that isn’t a heavily trafficked road designed specifically for automobiles.
Be the person who sweats everywhere
Everyone hates following the Creature from the Black Lagoon when using Nautilus equipment. You lay down and immediately start to stick to the machine. Then the stench of a hundred sweat soaked human beings wafts into your nose and makes you seriously contemplate buying a Bowflex. Just bring a towel and wipe down the equipment after you are done. It’s not time consuming or difficult. Even for someone who is obviously some sort of swamp monster.
You should be a professional athlete with body fat index less than 8 % if you want to wear spandex. Or you need to have an unbelievably good looking body. Otherwise you just look ridiculous.
Make your workout a competition
The gym is a competition between me and my heart… and years of consuming delicious red meat, while simultaneously smoking Marlboro Reds and eating a lifetime of deep fried Twinkies in a single afternoon. I have no beef with you, fellow gym goer. This is not a competition between you and I to see who can elliptical bike to the top of Mt. Everest the fastest or to see who can be the first to break the sound barrier on the treadmill. If I wanted to compete while running, I’d run a 10 K or joined the Army, OK? I’m just here to burn some calories and admire the women who can properly rock spandex without causing my heart to make that popping sound that happens when you uncork a champagne bottle.
Wear shorts when it’s 20 below outside
We’ve all seen this guy. You are standing outside of somewhere freezing your ass off and complaining about not being able to feel your extremities and some nut goes running by in just shorts and a t-shirt. They think they look like a total bad ass when their bright pink cheeks and Asics breeze by us in 10 degree weather. They think we see them running and feel they’ve conquered Mother Nature’s icy grip. In actuality, we secretly hope they get locked out of their house in order to learn a lesson on choosing the proper ensemble to venture out into the cold with.
I understand you’re hot when you exercise, but let’s be realistic, no one is sweating THAT much. Even Eskimos on the Discovery Channel wear a coat when they go out to wrangle wild yaks. You aren’t running on the sun, so maybe throw on a jacket and some pants next time you go jogging in the bitter cold. We aren’t going to think any less of you. It’s not proving you are tough, it’s proving that you are certifiably insane.
Do laps when kids are playing in the pool
I know that kids get super annoying when around water of any sort, but most community pools are meant mostly for the amusement of children. Don’t go down to the neighborhood pool in the middle of a summer afternoon and expect to get a Michael Phelpsian workout. Let the kids have some fun. Sure, you have as much of a right to the pool as they do, but you have more options than they do. Like night swimming. Sans bathing suit. Ideally not next to a school zone.
The sound of a rhinoceros that has just gone into labor with twins is never sexy. Especially when the sound is coming from a sleeveless human being trying to “maximize his pump” by doing 5 more reps on the squat thrust.
Now, I understand that there will be grunting and words of encouragement shouted at any gym that you exercise in. That’s totally cool, because people need to be able to use some sort of release when benching or pushing themselves to the limit physically. But sending out shrieks of anger that sound like two rabid gorillas mating at the zoo is both disturbing and unnecessary. We all know that you’re working hard at getting that Men’s Fitness cover, but you gotta tone it down a bit. You’re at a 12, and I think we need you at about a 6. No, it has nothing to do with reps… please just tone down the grunting till you get back home.
Want to get even more specific? This is a companion piece to 10 signs you’re “that guy” at the gym.
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