I got myself into a such a messed up situation in which not only i am philophobic, but also the crush of mine. We tried to end it up many times, but it is just impossible, when we stand before the threat of completely losing each other, we just seem to do anything not to let it happen.
And for a moment it is okay. Seems like a completely normal relationship, till one of us panics and starts to hurt the other one - childish ignoring, we try to prove who cares less, still knowing that we are madly in love. But posing like we dont care at all. It hurts. We cant finish this sick situation, we are incredibly happy for a while, for some short (too short) days but then we have to pay the price, which are sleepless nights, fear of being left, not being able to eat anything for days, not talkin to each other (dreadful silence), shivering hands and looking for shallow relationships, which dont involve any emotional engagement.
We disappear from each others lives for days, weeks, months and then we accidentally meet and i end up crying in his arms as we talk how we care about each other. And how painful and scary it is. How we see each othes as saviours and the worst enemies in one. We arent even in a relationship, and we never were, but we somehow belong to each other. I dont know what is gonna happen, but i am scared to death not only of loving him, but also i feel empty and lost without him.
Im stuck. We are stuck. We are each others greatest dreams and greatest nightmares at the same time. He is the cause of me suffocating, but i love him so much. I dont know what to do and how to let it go. Or how to learn to love him so that he would feel safe and would ensure me with the same feeling. I dont even believe that it would be possible, but i just want to be free again, ANYHOW, after two years of struggling through heaven and hell, i am just drained.