A reader asks:
I’m in college. A few weeks ago, one of my guy friends pressured me into giving him a handjob. We eventually got past it and became friends again. Recently, we were at the same party. I wore a crop top, and I’m fairly well-endowed on top. This guy could not stop groping me and telling me that my outfit was “asking for it.” That night, we both drank too much, and despite how my other friends tried to stop me, I went back to his room with me. He said we were “just going to cuddle” if I would lay on the bed with him. He then proceeded to make out with me, which was fine. But then he tried to push my hands down his pants, which was not fine. After several attempts, I finally gave in. He knew that I had never gone that far, so he knew this was new to me.
He then started shoving my head down, and telling me to give him oral sex. When I said no, he said things like, “Well then there’s the door.” Eventually, I did it. After a while, his roommate walked in, which was my cue to leave.
The problem? He doesn’t remember anything. He was completely drunk, and now I feel really uncomfortable. Now he’s ignoring me and treating me like crap, and I don’t know what to do about it. Help!
I’m going to be completely honest with you here: there is nothing about this story that is okay. I’m still having trouble understanding why you too “got past” the handjob incident in the first place. This guy is a manipulative, selfish jerk, and quite frankly, you’re way better off with him ignoring you, because he should not be in your life in any way, shape or form.
What this guy did to you is called sexual violence. He manipulated and forced you into doing sexual things with him that you didn’t want to do. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. He pressured you into a situation you didn’t feel comfortable with, solely for his gain. And now he’s ignoring you and acting like YOU did something wrong?
You have to be kidding me. Please immediately put as much distance as possible between yourself and this guy, because between his victim blaming statements (a crop top does not, in any way, mean you’re “asking for it”) and his actions, he sounds like he’s incredibly unstable and dangerous.
To keep the honesty going, I want you to know that I think his line about being too drunk to remember the night is a straight up lie. Sure, people black out when they drink. But a guy who is drunk enough to not remember any of his actions the next day would probably be passed out on his bed – not sitting there with a hard-on, forcing a girl to go down on him.
Being too drunk to remember that he pressured you into hooking up with him is a very convenient excuse for him. It makes it seem like he had no control over his actions, like he wouldn’t have done that if he had been sober. But he had done it before to you, and I promise that, given the chance, he will do it again.
There are some things I want you to keep in mind. One: you are never “asking for it,” no matter what you wear. Tell anyone who says that to you to eff off. That’s called victim blaming, and it’s a way for people to write off rape as something that women can prevent if only they started acting differently. In truth, men should be able to learn that rape is wrong regardless of the circumstances.
Two: You should absolutely never feel like you have to do sexual things with someone. If you are ever in a situation where you feel uncomfortable with what’s going on, or you feel like you’re being pressured, try to get out of it. A good guy who respects and cares for you will never manipulate you into doing something by saying that you can do it or leave. That behavior is unacceptable. Never feel like you have to put up with it.
Three: This kind of thing is not your fault. You didn’t do anything to deserve this. You met a manipulative guy who knew how to take advantage of your insecurities for his own gain. You kissing him or going back to his room didn’t mean that he deserved something more from you. As hard as this may be to hear, you were the victim here.
I strongly advise that you talk to someone about this. Seeing a therapist or counselor could be a really good thing for you. Talking to trusted friends is great, but a professional knows how to really deal with these types of situations.
Please do me one more favor: never talk to this guy again. Walk the other way when you see him. Avoid him as much as possible. I am genuinely worried for your safety around this guy. I don’t want anything else to happen to you. Please leave him out of your life for good. You’re so much better than him, and you deserve someone who will respect you and your wishes.
I promise you will meet someone who won’t treat you this way. No matter what he says to make you feel like you did something wrong, don’t believe him.