Lifelong condition

I am a 48 year old mother of 3 who is living alone and found this site by accident. I never knew about 'philophobia' but clearly this is something of an affliction I have lived with for a long time. I have always liked being in control and when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex there is no exception. I don't know what it is but anytime someone tries to get to know me and I suspect they may be trying to chat me up i run for the hills! Worse than that I am consumed by a confusion and terror, not to mention a rage which just overwhelms me. As someone who suffers from depression on and off through life this is a toxic combination.

I tend to fall for men who are either unnatainable or defective in some way. I don't go looking for abuse but I am more comfortable with disparaging remarks than compliments or loving things. I love to hunt my 'prey' although this is not to say that I am a cruel person. I care alot about treating people well, until they get too close then a monster is unleashed in me.

Years of living like this has left me confused especially when friends or family try to encourage me to date and settle with someone. the thought makes me cringe. I can't blame anyone for my condition, I have had it since I was tiny I think and I tend to not like being cuddly unless sex is involved. This inhibition doesn't apply to my relationship with my children.

My mind is more at peace when I have casual sex with a stranger, some of these experiences have been very gratifying and I feel very connected with the person. I have no particular desire to meet with them again but enjoy the game. It never messes with my head whereas people who demonstrate they care agitate me intensely.

I am resigned to my situation but wish I was less jumpy when meeting new friends. I usually tell them 'I don't do relationships' and then get to know them. This buys me some space and seems a little less deceitful.

I hope some of you understand my position. Keeping my depression manageable and avoiding 'normal' relationships helps me stay afloat in life.

I have no idea where this comes from and whether there is a 'cure'. I would not want to be cured now at this stage of my life.

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