It just happened

I was your typical girl growing up. I had crushes, told friends about them. I've had others crush on me, nothing super special. Only thing that's keeping me from from being fully 'typical'. I never once confessed to a crush and ran from anyone who had any hint of crushing on me. Never did I give the chance of anyone confessing to me. Or so I wish. He confessed to me, my turndown was very simple, "sorry, don't want a relationship in highschool". He asked why I don't, I respond Idk.

I really didn't know why. I though back to my crushes and being crushed. I ran away from all those boys, I didn't have one conversation, only watched and laughed at their conversations thinking how good of boys they are, never did I think of having a relationship. Only did I recently tried to talk to my crushes.

But now that I think about it, I was satisfied yet not satisfied. I wanted to cuddle yet not cuddle. Then it clicked, I was VERY afraid of being close. I can only force to say I love my very own dad. I can't think of anything from the past that makes me so afraid, to the point where I want to vomit.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in love, I always like seeing my friend with her bf thinking "how nice :)." But whenever I try to see myself in one, I FREAK. I'm so scared of someone confessing to me, I hate eye contact, I can talk to them very normally, I can talk to any guy normally, but the minute they show signs or the second I think I might be crushing, I DART. I avoid any eye contact, I think "oh crap" when they head my way and don't mention that empty welcoming seat next to them. I run to another table, even if I am alone.

Sometimes I'm seen as a mean person in their eyes because I literally avoid some for no reason because I have a crush on them. Shouldn't it be the opposite? Shouldn't I want to approach them? I can't, Idk why, is it something from the past I forgot, why can't I love, why can't I say yes to my crushes, why?!

I seriously want one relationship in highschool, but I struggle with anything involved, kiss, hug, hangout, any of it.. why..

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