I wish I was genuinely born in the wrong body instead of whatever postmodernist developmental psychobiosocial nonsense is going on with me.

I wish I was genuinely born in the wrong body instead of whatever postmodernist developmental psychobiosocial nonsense is going on with me. The traditional transgender narrative is so romantic and empowering. As is I just feel gross. I don't want to expose the incoherence of a world obsessed with categorizing the ineffable. I just want to be a fricking girl.

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  1. 10 months ago
    beastmoder

    >I just want to be a fricking girl.
    Then be one. Stop worrying about abstractions and concepts and just live in reality as the person you want to be.

    • 10 months ago
      Anonymous

      How? How do I stop caring when everybody cares so much?

      I don't know if I really believe there's such a thing anymore. Sorry, Serano-sama.

      • 10 months ago
        beastmoder

        Living your life to please others will never work as long as the life you live makes yourself miserable. And a miserable person isn't pleasing to others anyway. Your priority one is being the girl you want to be, whatever that means to you. After that, you can adjust to be someone more fitting in with others or more pleasant to others if that's something that won't cause you further misery. You don't have to not care about others because that's impossible. You just need to shift your priorities a little and let yourself be happy. Most people don't understand your feelings so the majority of opinions on you don't matter. You don't trust people who know nothing about cars to give you mechanical advice right? Same thing. A happy, productive trans girl who has a small family of friends who she cares about that care about her is a machine that puts out SO much more positivity and happiness into the world than someone miserable and invisible to the world because they're afraid of bothering people who don't care about them either way.

        • 10 months ago
          Anonymous

          All of that is well and good, and there is wisdom to it, but it's more that I've come to internalize the idea that it matters because everyone always acts like it really, really does. The enemy's inside me, simulated to perfection. Worse yet, the enemy is me. At this point I suspect that if everyone changed their tune I'd still cling to the abstractions and wish for destiny.

          • 10 months ago
            beastmoder

            Counterbalance your internalizing by living in the world outside your brain. Why don't you just try becoming more of a girl and see how it makes you feel? If you're already miserable, you have nothing to lose. Even if you end up not wanting to, even if you develop things that have to be fixed like removing boobs or whatever, the knowledge that you now KNOW who you are and what you want to do will be invaluable and will more than make up for any work that comes 'undoing' whatever you do. The best enemy to beat is yourself.

            Think about the dream you. The you that you wish you could be more than anything. Isn't it worth trying to be that person even if it's in vain compared to settling for being the person you hate being? Chances are you can eventually be a you that is far closer to that goal than closer to your current self

          • 10 months ago
            Anonymous

            You're very nice. Thank you.
            I'm actually already boymoding. It's just hard for me to feel good about myself when my narrative of what I am is so unsatisfying.
            It helps knowing that someone out there sympathizes, though. I won't waste more of your time but I appreciate it.

          • 10 months ago
            beastmoder

            You're not wasting my time. I'm choosing to spend my time to talk to you because your post resonates with me and I don't like the pain that you're feeling and I want to help. It's my choice. But I appreciate you being considerate all the same.

            >I'm actually already boymoding
            I'm proud of you for going that far

            >my narrative of what I am is so unsatisfying
            I think that's actually universal to almost everyone, trans or not. It's kind of shit being a human.

          • 10 months ago
            Anonymous

            My impression is that most people have a better story they can tell about themselves.

          • 10 months ago
            beastmoder

            You give others too much credit and yourself not enough credit.

          • 10 months ago
            Anonymous

            I don't see it as a matter of credit. Most people just have a clear sense of their place in the world. Religiosity goes a long way. Destiny's inherent to it. Meanwhile I feel like I don't have a good story to tell about my life's central struggle. Not a true one, anyway.

          • 10 months ago
            beastmoder

            >Most people just have a clear sense of their place in the world
            This is just blatantly not true. It is extremely common for people to feel like they're just going through life or trying to find their purpose. The majority of humans are like that. Finding your place in the world is something virtually everyone struggles with and something many people never succeed in solving. You have this idea of what people are supposed to be, and you don't fit that idea. I strongly feel like if you knew more people better you wouldn't think that.

          • 10 months ago
            Anonymous

            Maybe you're right, or maybe I'm failing to find the words I need to express what I feel. It's not just me, as an individual, finding my place in the world. It's me having a story I can use to make sense of myself at all. Others have at least some vague ideal they can aspire toward. An ending they'd like for themselves, no matter how distant. I feel like even if I got everything I ever wanted it would still not be meaningful. I'm not a tragic mooncalf, I'm just a weird person who wants something unusual and is inexplicably obsessed with it. Does that make more sense?

          • 10 months ago
            beastmoder

            >Others have at least some vague ideal they can aspire toward
            You already said you want to be a girl. Is that not enough of an aspiration for you? Then pick something to add to it. You don't have the story before it happens, your life is the story and it's happening right now. Just because you can't see the ending doesn't mean it's not happening. You are not nearly as different from other people as you think. It sounds to me like you need to feel that you are different to justify your spiral, but that contradicts how you resist being a girl in order to fit in with others. You catch 22'd yourself. The more you think about this the more you tie your brain into a knot. Turn your brain off and go with your heart for a while.

          • 10 months ago
            Anonymous

            >The more you think about this the more you tie your brain into a knot. Turn your brain off and go with your heart for a while.
            This is something I've heard many times before. So often that it must be true.
            I don't know. My mind just goes back here every now and then.

            Why do I even want this? Why is it so important to me? Why did not getting it ruin my life? Break me utterly? Why does writing this make me want to cry? If it's really not just some curse I was born with, the work of some evil star, what would it even mean for me to get what I want? "You became obsessed with something stupid, boring, and kind of vapid. It stole decades of your life and left you insane. Now you have to pursue it to try to salvage the time you have left." Where's the catharsis in that? Even if I succeed I'm still a strange, broken person. Not a malformed woman realizing her birthright but just someone trying to get by. And how can I succeed anyway, if womanhood isn't real in the way I'd like it to be?

            I *am* different, and the inability to explain that difference in a remotely flattering way is part of the problem. I feel lowly and diseased. Most people might feel existential now and then but it's not the same.

  2. 10 months ago
    Anonymous
    • 10 months ago
      dannie

      all this is a crock of shit. we can use these words without needing to know the cosmic order of reality or exactly how others feel inside. if I think what I'm feeling is how a woman feels, then it's how a woman feels and my body is wrong. I can say that definitely and never put two cents into whoever this random author is

      • 10 months ago
        Anonymous

        moron brained lmao

        • 10 months ago
          dannie

          Odin gave me breath, but the universe gave me the wrong body. I'm fixing this mistake and the gods are helping me with it

          • 10 months ago
            Anonymous

            odin ville spytte deg i ansiktet

          • 10 months ago
            dannie

            Odin's spit contains wisdom from the mead of poetry, so I welcome it tbh

    • 10 months ago
      Anonymous

      what is this from

      • 10 months ago
        Anonymous

        I think it's from Whipping Girl, by Julia Serano

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