I was talking to someone I have been interested in for a very long time. He told me he liked being degraded. I asked him what the limits were and he said he couldn't think of any. I said that was very valuable information, which he said scared him but he still gave me the go ahead.
I did normal degradation, but I mixed it in with real grievances I had with him and said I was so glad I didn't have to be quietly annoyed anymore. I called him out on a bunch of things in between more sexual stuff. When I asked why he has been avoiding calling with me by making excuses all the time recently, he just ghosted. I reached out again asking what was wrong with him and to just tell me the truth, but then I got worried I went too far so I broke character and asked if it was clear I didn't believe most of what I said.
He is still ignoring me. I might have hit a nerve. What do I do?
Learn from the experience and be more gentle and caring (check in between "is this okay" "how does this make you feel") in the future when someone inexperienced doesn't have a good grasp of their boundaries.
Also you're a fucking twat for mixing in real life grievances. How clueless are you. You don't do that shit.
I asked him if anything was off the table. He was responding very well until the very end when he ghosted which is why I only second guessed myself then. I showed my friend the messages (pretty long conversation) and he said the last message where I called him out for dodging me seemed to be a real tone shift.
Besides asking for his limits, did you ask him what specifically be would enjoy?
Cause vague "I want to be degraded" and "I can't think of any boundaries" still screams inexperience to me
I did and I used some of that stuff too, but he likes free use and being made a non-factor, so I went in for saying what I wanted to.
Also, to add on, I made very sure he wanted me to be mean beforehand. I was overly nice and polite for a very long time and that got me rejected.
In BDSM, people who say they have no limits are putting up an enormous red flag. It probably either means that they haven't fully thought through what they really want, or they've never actually tried it and just assume it would all be fun because it sounds fun in theory. In any case, they're going to get themselves hurt. He's probably embarrassed and a bit traumatized because he himself didn't realize how intense it could be or that he would take it so hard.
Don't be surprised if he doesn't come back, it's not necessarily personal. It was understandable to just go for the kill because you thought it would be fine and you've done all you can to apologize at this point, but in the future, don't engage with this kind of thing unless they can give you at least one limit. And check in out-of-character from time to time.
That would really hurt me if he didn't come back. We were acquaintances since like middle school and friends now starting in/after university. He seemed to really take it all as flirting. I assumed at first he ghosted because he didn't know how to respond to my message, or he was ghosting because of his girlfriend. (He had blocked me a bunch of places when he had an anxiety attack due to having a girlfriend before, but he explained beforehand.) I really hope I didn't go too far with the degradation. It's unclear what his reasoning for ghosting are but it's out of character to just stop responding, still be online, and not give an explanation
Girlfriend? Is he poly/open, or is he straight up cheating?
I think he might not consider online stuff cheating. Idk. His relationships have been mostly long distance as well, and with this relationship I think I am closer to him than she is in a lot of aspects. She doesn't know what he likes sexually for example, and met him a lot more recently.
Why tf are you with this guy? Disregard everything said above, he probably ghosted because he got guilty or got caught. Which is a good thing, by the way. It's shitty to be doing that, regardless of whether it's "just online." You are both risking heartbreak for some random innocent woman.
Honestly, and it may be shitty to say, I don't feel that guilty. I never encouraged this relationship and he is the one cheating. He was hurting me by choosing her. He made the commitment and is the one making things hard for everyone involved. Also last time I told him I felt guilty when it was with another woman that prompted his whole mental breakdown where he blocked me for a year and a half.
As for why, I have always had a special place for him in my heart and often he is the person I have the strongest feelings for, for over ten years. I have made a lot of progress but hate how stuck I am.
give him a phone call and tell him how you feel anon 🙂
He clearly doesn't want to talk to me. He has already formally rejected me for a relationship twice, once when he was single and still gave excuses.
Wr have talked about him visiting before, and he is (or was? until the ghosting) still open to it despite being taken. I am not sure if he was planning to have sex or not. I wouldn't want to unless he committed to me.
Also relevant: these were all over messages, none in person. He could have easily messaged me that I was going too far.
The essence of BDSM is role-playing. The minute you blend in real-world feelings you're in trouble
I never viewed bdsm this way and I've seen a lot of examples of reality being used in it.
The reality is, I am super upset and hurt, and my feelings never made any difference to him. He barely if ever even asks about them, nor about my day or anything about me. I was glad to have an excuse to let out those frustrations since it's not like he ever once gave a fuck.
in my experience people who say they want to be hurt really want to make a down payment on some shit they are already planning on doing to you
"i like to be degraded" is a little known red flag
That's pretty scary. He always said he was into degradation but never said he wanted it that far. He hasn't done anything to me yet regarding that. I have proof that he explicitly said he wanted that though and wasn't pushing back at all, was responding in a pretty flirty way until the end.
>he hasn't done anything to me yet
>never encouraged this relationship and he is the one cheating. He was hurting me by choosing her. He made the commitment and is the one making things hard for everyone involved.
*washes hands for twenty seconds with soap and water and dries them fully*
That was without degradation. Or very light if any. It was when I found out how into it he was that I went hard, long after the girlfriend.
He comes to me pretty much exclusively to talk about femdom stuff, for years, so why would he punish me for it?
complicating your life like this is abusive, believe it or not
sorry i washed my hands earlier i forgot this is an extremely important early 20s epiphany
How am I abusing him?
Nta but I'm almost certain they mean he's abusing you by complicating your life like that, as in, making you a part of a love triangle. The fact that you read it the other way...girl, you are so mindfucked. Get out as soon as possible.
I don't think I am strong enough. Fml
>he is the person I have the strongest feelings for, for over ten years
but also
>he's cheating on his girlfriend and blocked me for a year and a half
>my feelings never made any difference to him. He barely if ever even asks about them, nor about my day or anything about me. I was glad to have an excuse to let out those frustrations since it's not like he ever once gave a fuck.
I've been where you are. For over ten years too, a guy I met in middle school. It was completely not worth it in the end. You're spending so much time and thought on this guy, trying to keep his attention, trying to satisfy his kinks, while all the while resenting him because he doesn't want you as much as you want him. The resentment will come out at times, in ways like this one that further strain the relationship and push him even farther away. Let him go. You're just hurting each other, and hurting his girlfriend now too. If he wanted you in a serious way, he would have chosen you at any of the million opportunities you gave him. There's no magic words you can say to change that.
That's true.... But I can't move on. he is deeply engrained in my psyche. I dream of him even when I think I have moved on. I can love other people but he is extremely significant and him being gone is worse than him being present but emotionally unavailable.
Yeah. I still dream about him, five years into another relationship. But I do finally have my life back. Look up "limerence" and start working on it.
I know it's limerence but I don't think it's curable. Even when I have a busy life I still obsess about people, most often him.
The best I can say is that when it comes to limerence, it's better not to think in terms of "curing." Think in terms of living by your values, behaving in a way that's good for you and others, resisting temptation right now, having a certain number of days of no contact under your belt. An addict is never no-longer-addicted, they're sober, they're in recovery. And after a long enough time of that, even though it won't stop mattering to you, other things will begin mattering to you. Not in the same way, but in more real, concrete ways. The same way that nothing will ever feel as good as heroin to an addict...and yet that type of "good" is not half as concrete as the way it feels good to hang out with a friend you love or fall asleep safe in your own bed, even though those things are smaller.
I hope I meet someone who can love me back one day.
I hope you do too, good luck anon
>entertaining the mentally ill
What could've gone wrong?
Gotta figure out what to do from here. He might never respond.
Imagination is the language of the spiritual world
Hmm?
Why do you say that?
Liking being degraded is a gigantic red flag anyway, you dodged a bullet
I want every submissive man who complains that no woman enjoys domination to remember this thread, wherein a woman simps out of her goddamn skin for her submissive after gleefully domming him too hard