I messed it up

First time he texted me was because I was sad and he vared enough to text me even though I was his girlfriend's friend he never met. I kept his number for two years never talking to him. Then I stayed the night at my friends and got drunk so I texted just about everybody on my phone. (December 23) No that I remembered it in the morning but he was one of many I had to explain it was an accident.

He said it was fine and he understood. Then asked what my name was, so I told him and obviously I knew his so I didn't ask. Him being curious asked and thought it was crazy how I remembered our conversation after the years. So we talked for a day n I thought I never talk to him again. He text me on Christmas and I found it a little shocking so I just kept talking to him. Sent pictures of our faces just to see each other. I zoomed in and he had the sme exact necklace as me.

Accouple days of talking he wanted to play Truth or Dare through text of course. Before I set boundaries he already sent a list of his rules if we played. They matched what I was about to say. It was passed midnight when he dared me to ask someone out. I had to tell him. I never dated anybody. Or kissed. Or been in a relaionshop. He texted back 'How is that even possible for a person like you?' I didn't understand it at first but as it progressed he said 'I'd kiss you' I was struck hard by that. It being late I was goofier than fuck. So I responded, 'Thanks but I think licking my phone would be the equivalent.' he thought it was funny. Apparently I was charming. I 'dared' him to go to sleep and have good dreams. He Dared me back to text him whenever I got up.

New Years we talked all day. He flirted and I flirted back. Helpless, so I thought. A minute before 12 I texted if he had anything to say to say it now and I wouldn't hold it against him in 2013. He said he had a crush on me, then he went to bed. It was amazing. To have a mutual feeling that was a good thing. So we grew closer and closer. I knew he had problems, we all did. I mean he actually liked me for Christ's sake. But he wouldn't open up to let me up. I just pushed it off because honestly I sheilded him from a lot of things. All I wanted to do was be loved. To be held at night. To be kissed gently. To be held like a delicate flower.

But his ex girlfriend, my 'friend' who I even asked permission to see him and said yes, he was an ex for a reason, tried to steal him back. Even though I hadn't even met up or seen him at all. Neither of them would tell me but you'd be surprised what you find on the internet. He said it was nothing and not to be worried. I wasn't but after that we were both pretty tense. I didn't want to loose the possibly best guy I could get. He was a dream come true. Sweet where he needed to be, rough around the edges, smart, funny, and just everything I needed to get me through the day.

But then I just couldn't stand of dragging him down because I was, this. Ugly, stupid, fat thing and he was so-amazing. So I sent him,

‘I figured-you treated me like the enemy just because I cared & so what Im not your typical clueless girl-I’m self conscious & sarcastic & stubborn & make ridiculous corny jokes & while I may never get kissed or date Im okay with that because I’m not a notch in someones belt or another card in the deck waiting to be played because I made it clear I don’t like being used and that’s how I feel. Not your fault, not that you care but I do. So I think we should split ways your right-you don’t know if your interested in someone til you meet but you had nothing to loose & I’m sure we woulda made great friends if not more but I hope you find someone to make you happy and have a nice life but it’s probably not gonna be with me so might as well look somewhere else. I hope you don’t hold any of this against me or anyone else because things don’t workout but its for the best. Good bye.’

He wanted to stay friends. But I said it was like saving someone from drowning and handing them water. The last thing he said to me was that I need to trust him. That night I cried myself to sleep, and have had terrible nightmare ever since. I kept the conversation for a week but deleted it because I thought I was over him. But I'm not. I've tried texting him a million times but I can't think of letting my heart on the table to bleed for him to see. So I've sat day after day trying not to think about it but how can I not? I finally let someone in, I was betrayed, and I messed it up. We coulda worked it out but I quit because I might've gotten hurt in the end. Was it even worth it? I'm hurting right now. Probably tomorrow and the next day until it might subside. But will it ever? I don't think I can ever let anyone in.

My Mom and Dad were married as soon as Mom graduated. Their marriage sucked. I remember waking up and him having her up against the wall. He was abusive, and an ass, it was just sad to see him suffocating her spirit. As I grew up I was told that I looked like my Dad. Then it progressed to I was like my Dad. And I never want to let anyone close enough for me to hurt them like he hurt her. To this day they are devourced but he uses every chance he can to hurt her no matter what way. I thought of killing him when they got in a fight and he called her a bunch of names. He didn't think I was his child. I wished he was right but deep down I knew he was wrong. How couldn't he be? I have his everything.

So it only makes sense for me to hurt the people I love right? Makes me sick to think that that's how I'm going to grow up and live. I don't want to. Fighting every step of the way not to. So I push everyone and everything away at a safe distance so it can be safe from me. It feels like I'm dying inside from it. Never being loved. But I can't let anyone know because they dont need my stupid problems. If they get wrapped up in my problems then it can only lead to trouble. Slowly self inflicted suffocation. Story of my life.

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