I ignore the people I'm attracted to

I don't know what it's with me and love nowadays.

When I was a little girl, (I'm not being snobby or something like that, but it's true.) many of the boys I didn't know would just come up to me and ask me out. At that time, I didn't know what that meant, so whenever they came near me, I would usually scream and get scared of them for a while. Even after I knew the meaning of being asked out, I still acted the way I did until middle school.

Once middle school started, the same thing happened, however, I didn't scream, but politely said no. But when my GUY friends ask me out, I would always get scared and try to hide, but when I was confronted, I would always give them an answer, and the answer would be a no. Although, they were my guy friends and confessed to me already, I THOUGHT everything would go back to what it used to be, but things never did, until several months later. And when we were friends it was always so awkward because I'm not as close to them as usual like before.

Finally, I got my first boyfriend in grade 8. I didn't know why I said yes to this boy, but I guess I wanted to try out how dating would be like. And when I did try, it didn't turn out so well... The first month with him went by smoothly, but once the second month came around, I actually don't know what came over me at that time.

I began to ignore him and turn a blind cheek to him. He would always come up to me and be all lovey-dovey, and I would always try to do the same to him, but.. I don't know...

But after a few days, I called it off with him because I was worried about what would happen if he found out something was wrong with me. I didn't know why I didn't like people worrying about me, but it felt so ... weird ..

Anyways, even after I broke up with him, I still missed him and I just couldn't let him go until a few months later.

And even now, I still do the same with the ignoring even the crush I like or even the people I'm attracted too.

Right now, I'm concluding that I have a Philophobia. #:

I'm just too scared to think of it as something other than that.

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