I hit a wall

Until I looked up "Philophobia" and found this site, I always thought that what I was going through was me being weird and stupid. I have been sabotaging my own love life for years now. I'm 21 now but I can say that ever since high school up to college, I would run (in one incident I literally ran)from every single guy who showed interest in me. In the beginning, I would have no problem flirting and being friendly with the guy but when he starts to show that he's attracted to me, I just do a 180.

I would ignore him occasionally or reject him outright. I just could not deal with knowing that I would have to open up and be vulnerable with someone who may break my heart. I tend to keep people (even those who were close to me) at a certain length and I figured that a guy I'm dating would want to (and would have to) get closer to me than anyone I knew (especially since I would share my body with him at some point).

I guess I could pin point my guarded nature from when I was six or seven. My grand father who I spent a lot of time with had passed away and I was grieving. I cried so much that my mother told me to stop. At that point, I told myself that nothing could hurt me as much this, so I don't need to cry ever again. Needless to say, that was when I started to stifle my emotions and became the mess that I am today.

Then I met a guy in one of my classes. He's cute, funny, a bit immature but alright. We get along nicely and then he started to show interest and I started to act hot and cold (because my fear kicked in). Then last week I stopped and really thought about my anxiety and fear of love and decided that I had to break the pattern. I almost cried when I came to this realization because I had never been so honest with myself before. And that's why I'm here. I don't know what it is about him but I want to change starting with him. It's okay if things don't work out with him and I but at least I'll be making a step in the right direction.

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