If you’re a retarded asshole, like myself, chances are you’ve been in a few fistfights. And if you’re like me you’ve probably been on the receiving end of your fair share of pummelings. When this happens all the time your friends tend to get tired of giving you a hand and the hospital bills kind of pile up. But there are a few things you can do to avoid painting the sidewalk with your brains.
Taking defense classes at the Y or learning a retarded martial art some dickhead invented is great if you want to feel like you can kick some ass. All those lessons go right out the window when you get hit in the nose or a group of three to four guys, who easily outweigh you, decide to give you the boots though. If you’re lucky, they’ll probably give up after you’re on the ground and bleeding pretty good or they’ve gotten tired of kicking and punching your head.
But if you’ve really perfected the art of being a complete prick then they won’t give up till you’re out cold or someone has to call the ambulance. Next time you’re getting your shit kicked in, try these five simple tricks and you might not end up with a life long neurological disorder like myself.
Throw your dignity to the wind
When you’re in a fistfight with a dude, the main objective is to beat the guy up. But you’re also trying to prove who’s the bigger man. Admitting you’re a little baby tends to put an end to all that and crying does exactly this. Nobody wants to beat the living fuck out of a baby, unless they’re a deranged psychopath and if that’s the case then you’re fucked either way. When a guy is raining blows upon your fragile little head and you start crying, his pure hate and anger turns to pity and embarrassment. Once you start weeping, most guys will just feel bad and decide you’re such a piece of shit that it’s not even worth beating the crap out of you. This is the oldest trick in the book and to be quite honest, it’s the least effective.
Crying might get someone to stop removing your teeth with their fists but there’s a couple of things you can do to avoid it getting that far to begin with. Saying you’re sorry is always a great place to start when trying to calm someone down. That’s a pretty difficult word to say and often times it’s too little too late.
Establish common ground, however tenuous
Sometimes the better route is to let them think you have something in common or something is true about your personal life that will make them hate you less. This is particularly true if you’re white and it looks like you’re going to get into a fight with a black guy. One of the best things you can do in this scenario is make him think your parents are a biracial couple. Especially considering it was probably some “racist bull-shit” you said to get him all worked up in the first place. It’s key that you make it clear that it’s your father who’s black and your mother who’s white. I don’t know why this is but it doesn’t tend to work so well the other way around.
It helps even more if you say you never knew your biological father and the black dad has been there since day one and you consider HIM to be your “real father.” This doesn’t work all the time but I have avoided some good ass-kickings and even had a few rounds bought for me because of it.
Declare membership of an Oppressed Class
Another good one is making them think you’re a homosexual. When you’re in the street, surrounded by a few guys cracking their knuckles it’s only a matter of time before the word “fag” or “faggot” comes out of someone’s mouth. When it does, pretend you’re one of the sistahs from In Living Color and let out a big “EXCUUUUSE ME!?” You’ll notice them all pause like a needle just skipped on a record.
Use this opportunity to go on a tirade about all of the shit you and your boyfriend have to deal with everyday and how homophobic it is they just assumed you weren’t gay because you didn’t have a lisp. More often than not they’ll just look around and get the hell out of there for fear of getting arrested by the PC Police. If they don’t then they’ll just argue with you about whether you’re gay or not. That won’t last long though and they’ll eventually decide it’s not worth the trouble.
Or become a cancer survivor
Saying you’re a cancer survivor works swimmingly as well. Everybody hates cancer but they love people who has or had it. Don’t get too carried away with this one and say you had ball cancer. They’re going to call bullshit on that and beat the fuck out of you even harder for claiming to have had cancer. People might even gather around and cheer them on as they tear your face apart with their boots.
Go with lymphoid cancer. A lot of people don’t even know what a fucking lymphoid is and it sounds so particular that they won’t even ask any questions. Most people have dealt with someone in their life battling cancer so you might want to know what you’re talking about. But for some reason people get so awkward when cancer comes up that they won’t even pry. Sometimes they’ll even apologize to you.
Sooner or later you’ll find someone who’s completely unaffected by these tricks of the week and cowardly and won’t think twice about turning your head into a pancake. When this finally happens you have to remember to keep your cool because you’ll need to be convincing as possible. It’s pretty hard to do this when you’re wearing the inside of your nose as a mask but if you’re able to delivery it with the utmost sincerity it could be the difference between partying the next night and your loved ones identifying your body at the morgue. Once you’re bathing in your own blood and there’s no sign of your new fistfight friend letting up, give out a sinister cackle and say “I HAVE AIDS, YOU IDIOT!”
Not only will the beating end but your amateur facial reconstructive surgeon will disappear into thin air like an over the top Siegfried and Roy act. This one should be saved for almost certain death but it can also stop a fight before it begins.
A guy should know how to fight and be willing to put his dukes up. As he should know when he’s outmatched and about to get his head smashed to smithereens. These tricks don’t always work and it takes a while to get the hang of who will and won’t fall for them. But if you’re going to become well versed in the art of getting your head kicked in, I suggest you familiarize yourself with them.
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