The girl gamer is a rare breed of lady. Like a ninja or a flying unicorn, she remains perpetually shrouded in myth and/or shadow. Statistics would have us believe that over 40 percent of gamers are female — but come on. When was the last time you got trash-talked on Modern Warfare 2 by the dulcet tones of a woman? The fact is: you have a better chance of meeting a girl with an interest in Gauguin than gaming (girls are a lot smarter than us, y’see).

But that’s not to say that female gamers don’t exist. You just need to adopt the right mindset and know where to look. If you pine for a fellow gamer to keep you warm at night — and your hairy roommate just isn’t cutting it — then you need to read this article. Armed with the following tips, you’re guaranteed to land the gamer girlfriend of your dreams. Maybe.

1: Stick to your own league

Amputated limbs is another sign to look for in a realistic gamer girlfriend.

Look at the girl in this article’s header picture. Now erase her from your memory forever. She has been paid by Microsoft to look vaguely interested while holding an Xbox controller. As much as we’d like to believe otherwise, part-time models don’t spend their downtime playing Halo 3 in their underwear (with the possible exception of Jessica Chobot.)

Besides, the girl in that photo would almost certainly crush you to death with her elephant-sized hoofs. Just look at the size of those bloody things! Gargantuan feet notwithstanding, our advice is to aim lower. Morgan Webb, Felicia Day and that cute chick who licks Xbox controllers are not going to date you. Stick to your own league.

What we’re trying to say here, is that beggars can’t be choosers. There is only one stud gamer in this world and his name is Vin Diesel. Chances are, your guns don’t measure up. Set your sights on a girl gamer with slightly less facial hair than you — if she agrees to go on a date, you’re doing pretty well for yourself.

2: Join an MMO

World of Warcraft: there be ladies.

MMOs are unusually popular with girl gamers. In fact, the genre’s crawling with more female chromosomes than a lonely mad scientist’s petri dish. According to a recent Nielsen study, over two-thirds of online gamers are women — and most of ‘em can be found playing World of Warcrack. (Er, we mean World of Warcraft.) With over 40,000 registered female players in the US alone, WoW is the ultimate hunting ground for affection-starved gamers. It’s basically one big lonely hearts club, but with trolls, gnomes and ogres. [So, no change there then. — Ed.]

But it’s not just the desperate-and-dateless who play World of Warcraft. Some confirmed WoW-hotties include Cameron Diaz, Mila Kunis, Kate Beckinsale, Jenna Jameson and Playboy model Adrianne Curry — who reportedly enjoys playing in the buff. (See below.) As WoW blogger ‘Jaimie’ writes: “There are literally millions of people waiting to find a new raiding partner, on their computer screen and in life.”

Adrianne Curry is a self-confessed WoW fanatic (please refer to Tip 1).

Unlike most multiplayer games, MMOs are about establishing lasting relationships, as opposed to forming rivalries. For example, on Valentines Day you can surprise your WoW crush with a flower or piece of jewelry in-game. As you can imagine, this tends to go down better than shooting her in the head and tea-bagging her crumpled corpse. [In real-life too — Ed.]

Our advice is to join a guild with a skewered gender-ratio and then latch onto the most affable elf babe in your party. Naturally, voice-chat is a must during MMO courtships — otherwise you might be wooing a 40-year old mechanic called Bruce. If you play your cards right, you’ll soon be chatting on the phone, arranging lunch dates and making beautiful Kaldorei babies together. As an added bonus, you’ll also get to date her in-game avatar — that’s two romantic partners for the price of one! (If she decides to start playing a dude, just go with it. Experimentation is the key to a healthy relationship.)

The only problem is… are MMO-fans really proper gamers? You might as well be dating a girl who only plays The Sims. (Just sayin’.)

3: Become a paypig

GameCrush is a new online ‘dating’ service that lets you play video games with women in exchange for cold, hard cash. It’s basically a virtual brothel that substitutes Halo for sex. No really. For the princely sum of US$41.70 an hour, you get to choose a lady from Gamecrush’s roster of buxom ‘PlayDates’ and proceed to pwn her in the video game of your choice. Or you could let her beat your avatar to a bloody pulp in-game — whatever floats your boat.

The question is, are you desperate enough to try and score with a platonic prostitute who is solely in it for the cash?

“Hell yeah!” would appear to be the most popular response. Within a few hours of its beta launch, the Gamecrush website was swamped by thousands of requests from horny gamers in an orgy of passion-fuelled server annihilation. “The GameCrush Public Beta is temporarily unavailable due to the incredible user response (more than 10,000 inquiries in five minutes),” explained the front page.

Of course, the PlayDates aren’t really gamers — no more than a dominatrix is a bonafide school teacher. But at least they’re willing to talk to you… for a price.

4: Hit a gaming bar

Mana Bar.

The bar has long been the Mecca of the dating world. Fueled by Dutch courage and with beer-goggles donned, it’s the most likely place to find a romantic partner (or a sweaty night of mutual self-loathing).

If either of those prospects sounds appealing to you, you need to get your butt to a gaming bar. These uniquely-themed watering holes attempt to combine gaming with social drinking — and they’re bringing girl gamers out of the woodworks. We like to imagine that the men who built these bars were galvanized by Field of Dreams-style visions: “If you build it, they will come, etc.”

For Australians, there’s the Mana Bar in Brisbane, a “funky drinking venue” co-owned by the legendary Ben Crowshaw (AKA Yahtzee). The Mana Bar features playable consoles seven days a week, with an emphasis on social gaming. Remember, you’re not here to devastate noobs with blistering kill-streaks. If you want to impress a girl gamer you need to make her laugh — and what could be funnier than warbling unmusically into a SingStar microphone?

Meanwhile, Japanese gamers can swing by Roppongi, Tokyo and check out Ludia’s Bar. As its name implies, Ludia’s Bar is inspired by the popular JRPG series Dragon Quest which features an inn with the same name.

The bar’s grand opening coincided with the release of Dragon Quest VI on the Nintendo DS (coincidentally, the girl gamer’s console of choice). While it doesn’t recreate the ‘Ye Olde Taveyrn’ setting, Ludia’s Bar does offer a bunch of themed dishes and cocktails; including a ‘Hyad Cool’ drink and something called a ‘Goddess’s Fruit’. Frankly, if a girl rebuffs your attempts to buy her a Hyad Cool drink, she’s just not worth it. (Who turns down a free Hyad Cool drink? Seriously?)

Unfortunately, the likelihood of these places being rampant sausage factories is a lot higher than your average bar ‘n’ bistro. Bummer.

5: Convert a non-gamer

To be honest, this is probably the only tip you need. Y’see, love is a hideous and complicated monster beyond any of our understanding. If you narrow the field to just girl gamers, you’ll be embarking on an impossible mission — even if you happen to look like Hugh Jackman’s hotter, younger brother.

Our advice is to find a girl you like, and who by some cosmic coincidence, happens to like you back. If the relationship works out, she’s bound take an interest in your hobbies… including gaming.

P.S. Are you using Brave yet? Delay the skynet by using the browser that automatically strips all tracking and ads. Brendan Eich (of JavaScript fame) is its CEO.

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