I’m engaged to my gf and we really love each other but we have been having some major issues. There are issues with my parents as well as some incompatibility issues, we both have things to work on but I guess I want to see if other people struggled before marriage? Should it just all be easy? Is this normal?
no it gets really hard up to marriage and then on the wedding day it is super mega stressful then it calms down and then you get her pregnant and that's the worst thing ever then you have a baby and THAT'S the worst thing ever but then like 2 years later it's chill again unless you had another kid basically
Every relationship will have major issues, minor issues. Issues in general. Life is full of issues remember? You cannot escape this - there is no relationship with 'no issues'.
What separates a good relationship from a shit one is how you and your partner HANDLE those issues. Do you both handle it well, if at all?
Or is it handled poorly?
- Arguing?
- Blaming?
- Silent treatments?
- Gaslighting?
- Manipulating?
- Verbal abuse? Like name-calling, insulting?
- Passive aggression constantly?
- Belittling of each other's personhood or abilities or achievements?
- Infidelity?
Only answer if you're married idiot
Engaged to be married, like OP.
So what now? You going to imply anything I listed are healthy or normal behaviors?
It was hard in the sense that we had a wedding to plan for, figuring out everything involved would get stressful. Once we had our I felt like I could breathe a sigh of relief.
What kind of problems are you encountering?
Basically, my parents are trying to control things, inviting people without asking, asking how we will use gift money, and I have a hard time “sticking up” to them which is causing huge issues. This is causing fiancé to lose respect and not feel like I can protect her. This is going deeper than expected but that is an issue and her feeling not protected is leading to other issues. Fiancé and parents have had issues in the past as well which are now resurfacing. Part of my issue is that I’m being a bitch with my parents but they feel like the final boss. Fuck me.
Take your balls back from your parents and fix this.
>Inviting people without asking
Their friends, or more of the family?
>how we will use the gift money?
whose gift money? the money they gave you?
Family, but it’s an in law not the actual family member, and we have had issues with them in the past.
Gift money they gave us as well as fiancés parents, also asked how much fiancés parents were giving and how we would spend that, basically asking how we will afford the wedding.
I know I’m being a little bitch with my parents, but up until this relationship, we have never had issues and fiancé can be pretty un agreeable/easily offended so it’s hard to know exactly who is in the right all the time.
>and we have had issues with them in the past.
Can I ask what sorts of issues? Is it mostly your fiancé taking issue, yourself, or both?
>how we would spend that, basically asking how we will afford the wedding.
This seems non-problematic surely? Were they asking out of judgement and put-down? Or was it their way of trying to help and critique?
My main question is: What about these two issues makes your fiance feel 'not protected'? I'm struggling to see where the immediate danger is or why your fiancee feels a need for protection against your own family
Almost always fiancé taking issue, almost nothing offends me.
Asking about money because they don’t want us to spend too much which is understandable but fiance takes it as they are treating us like kids (which they do a lot of the time).
Parents made comments in the past about fiance not being good enough for various reasons and fiance feels like that was never reconciled fully. Meanwhile my mom offended from things that fiancé has said in the past. I really feel stuck in the middle. To me, they are both right in some ways but if I say that to fiance, I am not defending her and I’m on their side. Mom has apologized many times but still
Acts weird, fiance has never apologized for comments or feeling bad. Jfc might just kms.
>Meanwhile my mom offended from things that fiancé has said in the past.
What sort of stuff did your fiancee say about your mom?
Mom took offense to her saying I had add/depression aka she raised me bad. Also mom thinks fiance is generally rude to her and not nice, mom has said fiancé thinks she is the smartest one in the room and can’t be told anything. Mom has never been an issue for me before but they are clashing big time.
>Mom has never been an issue for me before but they are clashing big time.
So let’s paint a picture:
- You don’t have beef or are offended by your own family. Your fiancee does.
- You dont feel the need to be protected from your own family, your fiance does.
- You had no issues with family before.. until fiancee came along.
And also, lets not forget this banger:
>Mom has apologized many times
>fiance has never apologized
>Or feels bad
I think you know deep down who the real problem is, don’t you? I want you to say it.
This is all true BUT, mom’s apologies weren’t exactly great and now she still acts weird towards us. Not saying fiance isn’t part of the problem, that’s what makes this so difficult, I am having a hard time seeing who is really right here, at the eod I feel like they are both at fault but fiance won’t really accept that.
What wasn’t so great about it? That she still had negative emotions behind her apology? Who wouldn’t? Of course she acts weird around you two now, walking around eggshells when your fianceé is present.
Be honest, who told you that your mom wasnt apology wasnt exactly great and acts weird? Your fianceé? And you nodded in agreement?
And for what? The crime of your family wanting to help you financially, gifting you money and wanting to advise you where best to use it?
Your fianceé sounds red-flagged, i’m not gonna lie.
It was obvious she was just trying to smooth things over (something my family regularly does) without meaning any of it and went from talking to us constantly to not reaching out or contacting just me which fiancé is hurt by as am I. The eggshells comment is real, mom feels that way for sure. The issue is with them asking how we are spending their and fiancés parents gift money when saying it was a gift. They also offered to pay for other things and took back the offer after finding out how much fiancés parents were giving. Ended up re offering but Jesus Christ.
>It was obvious she was just trying to smooth things over (something my family regularly does) without meaning any of it
If they didn’t mean it, there would be no attempts to smooth it over. Nor apologies from your mom. But she did apologise.
>not reaching out or contacting just me which fiancé is hurt by as am I
So why does your fianceé want to feel protected now? Family has fucked off and not contacted. Mission accomplished right? And fianceé still is picking a fight?
Actually can you do me a solid just so I don’t give you bad advice. Can you read the list here:
And with your honesty tell me if any of this applies to your relationship with fianceé?
There is some of that but honestly nothing beyond average, no infidelity, no gaslighting, mild forms of some of the others but over all the relationship feels healthy.
and your family? They do any of that?
Yes to passive aggression, silent treatment, nothing serious like abuse or gaslighting or belittling, they have also been very supportive in pretty much every way.
No belittling or verbal abuse either, we are both very supportive of each other
It’s your fiancé’s fucking wedding. WTF Your mom is way out of line.
So mom is a narcissist and fiancé is trying to hold onto her boundaries and you are stuck in the middle trying to appease both of them? Your mom is in the wrong and if you don’t stand up to her now, you won’t be married very long. You and your fiancé need to be a team. Step up to the plate.
I think you got it backwards.
I didn’t get it backwards. Your mom is the problem and you don’t see it because you have been trained to appease her. Your fiancé sees it and doesn’t know what the fuck to do because you don’t have her back.
It’s your wedding. It’s your fiancé’s wedding. It is NOT your mothers wedding so why is she trying to control it using her money? That’s not what a gift is. Do you give someone a gift card and then tell them they need to use it the way you see fit? No. You don’t.
I know you aren’t going to listen to me but remember this post when you inevitably end up in couples therapy.
Oh no financial advice is narcissism. Read OP’s story more closely. Namely, this post surmising his dilemma here
His parents walk around eggshells with the fianceé. His fianceé does not reciprocate wih reconcilement. She refuses to apologise, yet his family apologises readily.
Take a wild fucking guess what his fianceé won’t be doing when she marries him and they run into life issues together and they argue? She won’t be apologising. OP will sure apologise to her though I bet.
Guess what narcs are known for?
Never apologising. Also known for triangulating—pitting friend against friends, family against family. They isolate their partners from family by causing scenes and assigning blame to the partner’s family.
This is what OP’s fianceé has so far been doing based on what he’s said so far.
This isn’t financial advice. It’s a way to control someone else’s choices. You have absolutely zero idea what you are talking about.
You married? Or getting married? You got any idea of how much these cost on top of managing funds for honeymoon + living expenses?
Parents are usually married people. And when they see their children married, they know of the financial sinkholes. And they offer advice. Why? Because they’re your parents and want to help.
How is this anything resembling narcissism anon?
Please Google narcissistic parenting. You are being manipulated and you don’t even know it.
You wouldn’t be offended also if your child who has ADD—a condition that happens for no reason at all—is blamed on you, the parent, by your child’s partner and accused of ‘shitty parenting’?
> almost nothing offends me.
People pleasing is a symptom of narcissistic parenting.
almost nothing offends me.
>they are treating us like kids (which they do a lot of the time).
Control a la narcissistic parenting
>made comments in the past about fiance not being good enough for various reasons
Critical of your life choices and I planting seeds of doubt in your mind to subtly doubt your decisions and stay loyal to her. This is so inappropriate I don’t even know where to start
>mom offended from things that fiancé has said in the past.
Like what? Let me guess. Questioning whether your mother is trying to turn you against her? -or- Saying your mother is out of line? -or- Wondering why you are afraid to upset your mother when she is just being “helpful”? -or- Not enjoying herself when you stay with your parents because no one cares about her wants or needs?
Any of this ring a bell?
>so it’s hard to know exactly who is in the right all the time
Doesn't matter. You have to be on your future wife's side not your parents.
It does matter. Being a wife or husband doesn’t make you in the right about everything. If you marry someone abusive, it doesn’t mean you should follow them into hell.
Yea you got to take control of the situation, who gets invited should be you and your fiance's decision.
Why do your parents feel like they can do that? Are they paying for the bulk of the wedding?
We are paying for it with gift money from both parents.
How do you go from being the perfect son who never speaks up to putting your foot down. I have issues with this in general but with them it’s especially hard. How tf do I grow balls and get over this and learn how to talk to them and demand respect and not allow myself to be talked over/down to?
That's tough, but once you're married your priority needs to be to your wife and the family you created. You wouldn't appease your parents at the expense of your wife once married, right?
You should talk to them about not inviting others and to ask you first, and if you absolutely do not want that person there, you need to tell them to uninvite them. My wife and I ran into something similar (though it was my mother in law who invited someone without asking) and my wife had to tell her to basically uninvite her.
We had a small wedding that we paid for so it was easier (in my eyes) to put out foot down, maybe they feel entitled to invite people since they gave you money for the wedding? That would be rude since it is a gift, so maybe they don't think like that.
Sterilize her, and don't marry her ever if you don't want to loose everything you worked for.
Lol, I've never even gotten engaged, all my relationships failed prior to an engagement. So I'm going to go ahead and assume being engaged is fucking hard too.
OP here, if anyone is very familiar with the subtle or not subtle forms of narcissistic parenting, I would love to hear your experience. I’m realizing more and more how much my childhood unknowingly fucked me up.
iunno man. I just know about what it’s like dating a narcissist. And they behave similar to your fianceé as I already posted. Be that as it may, they operate similarly. A narc is a narc after all. And it can get tricky. Don’t be surprised if you end up with narc parents, and dating a narc woman.
Children of narc parents who are unconcious to their own trauma typically ‘date their parents’, as in, they date narcissistic dysfunctional women who emulate the conditions they were in as children. Where the relationship mirrors the dynamics of your upbringing.
My childhood was fucked too. Parents fought a lot, were abusive to each other. It was chaos, then peace. Hate, then love, then hate, then love. Black and white black and white. Hot and cold hot and cold.
So growing up, I normalised “its okay for things to be good one minute, then hell the next. that’s life.”. And without knowing, I dated a girl with BPD. A personality disorder who emulates that exact experience. Loves you one minute, hates you the next. Praises you and adores you, then scorns you and resents you. Over and over.