hide. mask. make up. no love.

I lived with a concealer perfectly applied on top of my strawberry birthmark on may left cheek for almost 7 years. It started when I found out about the magic of make up and how It can change my life. and I regret so much that I have no where out and have to continue living with a mask 24 hours. I do get praised everyday for my beautiful skin, cute and pretty face and dressed nicely. but my heart ache because it's not true. not without the concealer. I don't know when I could open up and be the real me. I have never been in a relationship..I think it's because of my mask. I hide many things. smile and happy but I'm not. boys are afraid to see half of my face are whiter and matte than the other, but I'm glad they never ask. girls usually ask 'are you wearing make up ?' I often change the topic or create a lie saying that I'm having a skin disease and the concealer is a medicine. I have to wear it everyday, everywhere. I think I could live happier with a strawberry birthmark, people would stare at me because I'm different and I dare to stand out in public and be confident. that's who I really am. but It's all hidden underneath this make up.

I desire for love and acceptance for any man who could accept me the way I am, and a friend who could do that. thank God I got some best friends who sticks with me even though knowing my secret. I never have the courage to have a straight eye contact with people who gave those judgemental vibe or those who speak blatantly. I'm afraid they will search deep into me and keep looking at my weird face and start asking question I don't like.

This is why I'm a afraid to fall in love I don't know how to act accordingly, how to treat my lover, how to date etc and I fear that my partner will hate my personality. I'm sad that all my life, I had never have anyone confess to me. sometimes I'm glad that I'm always single while seeing all of my friends suffering from a relationship. but at least they have one. well, I guess I wait for the right time, to reveal and see what happen.

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