The unending frustrations of a sex shop clerk Friendly advice from a dildo salesperson.

I have run an online adult goodies store for about 3 years now. To say the least, I have run into some interesting characters in my 3 years of online smut-pandering. I am about to end my run of naughty knick-knacks and I’d just like to give a wee shout-out to the people who struck me as the most interesting, funny, annoying and downright memorable. Here goes nothing….

Angry, self-righteous female customer

You placed your order Sunday night. By Monday morning, you were emailing me IN GIANT RED ANGRY LETTERS that you had not received an email telling you that your order had shipped.

I politely emailed you back within minutes stating that orders take about 4 business days to ship out (remember that little button you had to click on that said you read and understood ALL our policies BEFORE you were able to place your order? Well, that little gem was in there!).

You emailed me again less than 45 minutes later stating in GIANT BOLD RED FONTS that you will report my website to the BBB if I didn’t send your order out immediately…hmm, the only way I know to get something right away is to get on the bus/subway/in a cab, high tail it to the adult store of your choice and purchase said items in person.

After your 5th email that day screaming/demanding/threatening, to ship your items or else, I finally told you to take a flying leap off a short bridge and I refunded your money ( all $17.99 of it!).

The customer is NOT always right..often times she is a total bitch!

Weirdo who always bought the same dildo

Then canceled his order 15 minutes later.

To respond to your query: NO I don’t know if this is a ‘good cock’. Even if I bought this particular item for myself, I certainly wouldn’t tell a complete stranger my opinion of it!

After you fifth purchase of this item in less than a month, I finally banned your sorry ass from buying anything at my store again. Every time I have to refund your money, I lose money myself! My credit card processor takes 5% that I will never see again!

You were a man buying a particularly LARGE (John Holmes) dildo… this doesn’t mean that you are gay or anything and frankly I don’t care on way or the other… but from the desperate, seeking emails you sent me and the number of times you asked for a refund, I am guessing that you couldn’t come to grips with whatever angst you were feeling at the times you thought 10 inches of Ultra-Skin would feel REALLY good in your ass.

Woman who bought about $650 worth of stuff at Xmas

Then emails me 6 months later claiming that she only got about half of her order.

Sorry, but most normal people would let me know within a couple weeks of getting a tracking number that most of your order didn’t show up.

Oh, BTW, you had the WHOLE THING sent to one address, so please don’t lie to me and tell me that over half of the people ‘you had it shipped to’ didn’t get their items…how freaking stupid do you think I am? I am the only one running this company, so when you tell me to ‘ask my shipping department what happened”, I don’t have to walk far to make that query.

Strange customers who keep ‘reviewing’ the John Holmes cock

(that is ONE popular item)….I don’t need you posting the same review 500 times! Holy crap, I get it! You LIKE this dick…..

People who have AOL or Yahoo accounts…

WE STATE on our front page and BEFORE you place the order that you MUST add us to your address book on your email account to get your confirming email. For some reason we often can’t get through to you. PLEASE don’t email us threatening to call the BBB because you didn’t get an email confirming your purchase of the Badunkadunk Booty “Do-it-in-the-Butt” RealSkin fake vagina/ass combo.

We WANT to get that email to you! Trust me, you don’t want to have to explain to the BBB or your credit card company why you are complaining/doing a charge-back for a $225 item that an elephant could easily have relations with.

Creepy guy that offered to exchange ‘web services’ for adult products

You wanted the Kobe Tai Ultra Realistic Ass and Pussy in exchange for helping me ‘get my website out there.”

…Well, I’m guessing it’s already out there since I get about $3000 worth of business a month- not to mention YOU found it so I can’t be too far gone in cyber space that no one can hear me scream. I would REALLY feel a little weird setting up a relationship with you based on the knowledge that our first ‘exchange’ of funds was a phony pussy. It just would creep me out every time I talked to you to know that you were banging that fake vagina. Ick!!!

Ps. Support a struggling genius boy wonder artist by buying his highly collectible NFTs.

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Essin' Em
Essin' Em

As someone who helps webmaster affiliates, I enjoy the:

Person: “I haven’t received a check yet.”
Me: “Well, it looks like you haven’t even gotten any clicks, none the less purchases,”
Person: “Huh?”
Me: “From where are you sending us traffic?”
Person: “What do you mean traffic?”
Me: “Web traffic. Where are you linking to us from?”
Person: “Nowhere, I don’t have a website or anything. Your site just said I could sign up and start making money today!”

Furry Girl
Furry Girl

Another online clerk speaks:

I think I’ve only had two pissed off customers in my nearly three years of selling adult products online.

The first is just like #1. Someone placed an order late Saturday night, and by Monday morning, I had an angry email wondering where their order was.

The second was some woman who was massively pissed off because she thought I sold her information to those dirty dirty porn sites. Apparently, not a month after placing an order at my sex shop, she got a piece of porn spam in her inbox, so obviously, I was the one responsible for that. I tried to calmly let her know that spammers could get her email address from all sorts of places, like if she’d ever posted her email address in a forum or on a blog. She was gently caressing ballistic that it was me who had caused this massive terrible thing (one piece of porn spam, her very first, apparently) to happen to her.

My personal favorite gently caressup non-custmers are the ones who try to “brute force” my site into accepting their Discover or Amex card. I take VISA and MASTERCARD only, and one must pick one of those two options from the drop-down menu on the payment page. But for some reason, every couple of months, I’ll have some new person try over and over and over to submit either a Discover or Amex card. They’ll try a dozen times, and email me all irate that my site is broken and won’t process credit cards.

Sam Sugar
Sam Sugar

Furry – Beware the credit card ‘testers’ it’s a massive scam and for every tards who try it you probably have one evil genius.

I never knew about your secret porn-store clerk identity.

Furry Girl
Furry Girl

I don’t think the credit card brute-forcers are hackers, I think it’s just idiots who think that if they keep trying, my system will accept their useless obscure cards. I’m always amazed when people with Discover or Amex cards get all wigged out that I don’t accept them, as though that’s the first time they’ve ever faced a merchant who doesn’t want to pay extra fees to accept cards that nearly no one uses.

I run a small store here: My main business is in vegan condoms and vegan lube. Yay!