critique thread

Post your work - Audrey edition

Poetry, prose: all is welcomed.

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  1. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    The original is in portuguese. Sorry for the bad English.

    Future psychiatrists, first of all I need to tell you
    That there is a horrible beauty in our profession.
    The beauty is analyzing the gelatinous guts inside our head
    And marvel at the discovery that the entire universe
    Is hidden inside of them, that the universe is the stuffing
    Of those creamy blood-sausages, that the human skull is the only home
    Where the cosmos squeezed himself to live.
    The horror is studying this universe when it gangrenes,
    When conscience becomes an open wound
    And we try to clear its infection and understand
    The language of its pus and deciphering the buzzing of its flies...
    Anyway, for better or worse, the truth is that we are special creatures.
    I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that maybe we are something unique
    In all off space and all off time, I do not find it absurd to theorize
    That only after lodging inside the shell of the human skull
    The eye of the universe opened for the first time.
    Take a few seconds to think about it. Isn't it amazing?
    An eye with the color of infinity bloomed inside our heads,
    An eye that spreads the palpation of its pupil to such distant limits
    That the spirit itself is panting as it tries to follow him.
    But there is a catch. That eye sometimes gets sick,
    And for a psychiatrist to force himself to contemplate all of creation
    Being corroded by conjunctivitis is extremely painful.
    Remember, we're talking about infinite space
    Living for rent inside a tiny bone shell.
    Think of the elemental horror and inconsolable nausea
    Of the hopes that looked into the abysses of the universe
    And were bitten by the understanding of soul’s of the abysses.
    Think of the endless loneliness of the tears that wander
    Through endless desolations, shivering with cold.
    Think of the entire cosmos sickening to the point of becoming
    All of it a dungeon, an abominable labyrinth
    Where even happiness and love enter just to be
    Murdered and torn apart to fatten nightmares so gigantic
    That they would make minotaurs look like mosquitoes.
    Seeing the suffering of a human mind is like seeing
    The larva of the despair of all nature.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      >And were bitten by the understanding of soul’s of the abysses.

      And were bitten by the understanding of *the soul’s of the abysses.

      • 2 years ago
        Anonymous

        Could they see you now /
        the prostitutes of old would call you a cow /
        because at least they had their price /
        but you come for free.

        Yes, my words must be misogyny /
        because I hold you to the same standard that I hold all /
        and any standard at all /
        would be beyond thee.

        >inb4 'ur insel'
        See above.

        (Checked)
        There would be no apostrophe. So, just 'the souls of the abysses'.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      I filter material at a glance. This kept my attention, nothing offended it. The first critque thread poem in a long time to do so. I couldn't speak to the prosody of the original Portuguese, but this is at interesting.

      >The larva[l] [or "writhing"] of the despair [in] all nature.
      To suggest serpents as well. The translation appears suitable, but might benefit from some additional idiomatic gloss. Keep developing it. Thanks for posting, it was an enjoyable read.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      I like this. There are a few points where the prosody could be improved in translation (ie. mystery instead of discovery,) but overall this is really nice.

      Could they see you now /
      the prostitutes of old would call you a cow /
      because at least they had their price /
      but you come for free.

      Yes, my words must be misogyny /
      because I hold you to the same standard that I hold all /
      and any standard at all /
      would be beyond thee.

      >inb4 'ur insel'
      See above.

      (Checked)
      There would be no apostrophe. So, just 'the souls of the abysses'.

      Why do you use the enjambment symbol and then enjamb? I don't get it. It's also like a Bukowski poem but without any of the ease and all of the bitterness, or his style of enjambment.

      When Prometheus was condemned to the rock, it was he that was joyful rather than the gods as they both knew what he set in motion could not be stopped. Just as the gods consumed the titans, and the titans split apart Earth and Sky, so too would mankind consume the gods. Indeed, Prometheus sat on the sidelines of the war because he knew the titans’ fates were sealed the moment Kronos birthed Zeus as all creators are fated to be butchered by their creations. From equal parts cosmic misanthropy and profound mercy he hatched a plot to end this cycle. In blessing a species as limited and numerous as man with fire, he ensured life would end with his damned creation - man would never enjoy victory in the way the gods did due to his frail nature, and slowly the fire would consume him before he could create his replacement. He knew this. The gods knew this. And as the world grew cold and silent eons later, Prometheus and the vulture, his now treasured companion, smiled warmly.

      You need more sentence variation. They are also extremely long without affect. You also start a sentence with "Indeed," which sounds like filler -- forget the word for it, but it handicaps your sentence.

      >In blessing a species as limited and numerous as man with fire, he ensured life would end with his damned creation - man would never enjoy victory in the way the gods did due to his frail nature, and slowly the fire would consume him before he could create his replacement.

      This is way, way way way too long, and way too convoluted. You're trying to sound smart. Please don't use so many commas, either.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      Are you the Brazilian playwright, the writer of that afghan Antigone play?

      • 2 years ago
        Anonymous

        Say my name

        • 2 years ago
          Anonymous

          Guy was always anonymous.

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            Could you link the play then I’m curious

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            https://warosu.org/lit/thread/S11263030#p11289907

            I’m writing a tragedy were a young Afghan woman called Malalai, after obtaining a degree to teach literature, returns to the mountain village of her ancestors, decided to open a school there. She enters in conflict with some of the village elders, while other elders support her. They made a council and eventually decide that the school will be opened. After that a series of consequences conduct the story to its final tragic climax.

            What I am sharing with you is one of the criticisms to the western education made by Malalai’s grandfather, Kala Khan. He is also the chief of the village (although he doesn’t have power to rule the village alone, but must accept the decisions of the majority of the elders of the council).

            The original is in Portuguese, metrified but without rhyme (that is, blank verse).

            If you people enjoy it I can share some more excerpts.

            KALA KHAN: Our knowledge may be limited,
            But at least it is pure, clear and healthy.
            We live well alone, leave us with our
            Small candle, our modest lamp
            And remain alone with the blinding splendor
            Of your bombs and rockets, your suns of darkness,
            Your light which, illuminating the world, makes it even bleaker.
            The eloquence of your civilization
            It is the refined tie-knot that enlace
            The neck of a barbarian, the gloves that surround
            The hands of a murderer, the talc that incenses a bear,
            A princess with cold eyes, with steel-colored eyes,
            Perfumed with gunpowder, with uranium breath.
            Just like the prostitute who muddles her face
            With so much makeup that a digger
            Could mire in the ink, which suffocates
            Her natural grace, so also your idols,
            With their inventions, pollute nature.
            In their metropolises artificial lights
            Have hypnotize the night with fictitious candor
            And the stars, banished, dissolved themselves in mourning:
            What was left for night sky is an opaque melanoma.
            The vampirism of their bureaucratic minds
            Have sucked all the poetry from the marrow of life.
            In the sun they only see an obese spotlight,
            On the moon a dry tablet of aspirin,
            The eggs they eat have for their yolk the poisonous
            Broth of batteries, their breads are modeled
            With microchip grains, with electronic flour.
            Their milk is gasoline, their olive-oil diesel;
            Their souls are so toxic and empty
            As the spray of an insecticide can.
            Their weapons, their rockets, their bombs, their tanks,
            Their warships and warplanes, all of them
            They are signs that make up the bitter confession
            In which humanity admits its failure:
            Your civilization is like a very thin and rosy
            Foam that floats in a glass of wine,
            A sugary veil of smiling order
            Sitting upon a deep ocean of blood.
            You and your race of wise men think that you will come
            As heroes to our village of Orzala, but you come
            Infected by the smallpox of science
            That, outside these walls, outside this oasis,
            Covers the entire world with sores. You and your plague
            Are not welcomed here.

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            I also posted this some weeks ago.

            The context of this speech is this: an elderly leader from a provincial mountain village of Afghanistan is urging some of the young men of the place to take up kalashnikovs and save a Taliban lord that is being held hostage by 3 US soldiers in a barn.

            A great snowstorm was formed and is coming down upon the mountain. The elderly muslim sees the wrath of Allah in the storm and makes a speech to fuel the wills of his young students.

            The original is in Portuguese. I will post my free translation first, and then the original text.

            KALA KHAN: Look at the horizon: it is the heart of Allah
            That was cut opened: hatred bubbles out from his chest.
            Grayish and angry, the skies foam snow;
            The winds show their canines, their claws,
            Ripping and chewing the world into distortion.
            The air, roaring and growling, screaming and howling,
            Unbones the trunks of the pines, steal the leaves
            From the trees, the gale dresses himself in green,
            An emerald ghost slapping the streets.
            Lightning invades the eclipse of the atmosphere:
            His pale beak, his sparkling nails
            Excavate the dark and gnaw night like a liver.
            The clouds of lead that have docked on the heavens
            Are like colossal mountains that breathe,
            In which the bears of the windwhirls sleep.
            This is the language of Allah when infuriated:
            The appalling architecture of the tempests.

            KALA KHAN: Observem o horizonte: é o coração de Alá
            Que foi aberto: o ódio borbulha de seu tórax.
            Cinzentos e raivosos, os céus espumam neve;
            Os ventos mostram seus caninos, suas garras,
            Rasgando e mastigando o mundo em distorção.
            O ar, rugindo e roncando, gritando e uivando,
            Desossa os troncos dos pinheiros, rouba as folhas
            Das árvores; o vendaval se veste em verde,
            Um fantasma esmeralda a esbofetear as ruas.
            O relâmpago invade o eclipse da atmosfera:
            Seu bico pálido, suas unhas cintilantes
            Escavam o breu, roem a noite feito fígado.
            As nuvens de chumbo que nos céus atracaram
            São como colossais montanhas que respiram,
            Nas quais dormem os ursos dos redemoinhos.
            Essa é a linguagem de Alá enfurecido:
            A pavorosa arquitetura das tormentas.

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            Another of the old-man's rants:

            KALA KHAN: You come to us with arrogance, as if
            You were bringing a torch to a dark cave
            Where a race of men as blind as bats
            Have been feeding on darkness for several generations.
            For you living in the big city
            The white invaders of America are angels,
            But for us the voices of these angels sound
            Like wheezes, every single one of their words
            Has for tail the rattle of a rattlesnake;
            Under the charity that they wear scales
            Shine. Yes, you, who know much more than we do,
            You believe that you work with angels, with seraphim,
            But you can be sure, oh you blind ones who see far,
            That the divine Muslim culture, the limpid
            And sacred water that kills the thirst of our souls,
            When these angels bathe in it,
            Will become greasy as the thick cream and filthy broth
            Of a harlots bathtub wash:
            We will bless ourselves with the pasty foam
            Of a dirty body. The learning that you bring us,
            The new source that you open up to nourish us,
            It is the swinish-sweat and hormone-soup of a satyr,
            Yes, it is the sweat of the obese body of sin.
            If we choose your creed and forget Islam
            We will be the dog that denies the pot of clean water
            In favor of a slimy and stagnant puddle,
            And, by drinking filth, we will populate
            The soul with worms: our immortal diamond
            Will be more rotten than the intestinal night
            Of the curs from the gutters.

            KALA KHAN: Você vem até nós com arrogância, como
            Que trazendo uma tocha a uma caverna escura
            Onde uma raça de homens cegos quais morcegos
            Se alimentam do escuro há várias gerações.
            Para você que moram na cidade grande
            Os invasores brancos da américa são anjos,
            Mas para nós as vozes desses anjos soam
            Como sibilos, cada uma de suas palavras
            Tem por cauda o chocalho de uma cascavel;
            Por sob a caridade que eles vestem brilham
            Escamas. Sim, vocês, que vem bem mais que nós,
            Creem que trabalham junto de anjos, serafins,
            Mas podem ter certeza, ó cegos que veem longe,
            Que a divina cultura muçulmana, a límpida
            Água sagrada que nos mata a sede da alma,
            Quando esses anjos se banharem nela, irá
            Ensebar-se na nata espessa e caldo imundo
            Do banho de banheira de uma meretriz:
            Nós vamos nos benzer com a espuma pastosa
            De um corpo sujo. O estudo que você nos traz,
            A nova fonte que abre para nos nutrir,
            É o suor suíno e sopa de hormônios de um sátiro,
            Sim, é o suor do corpo obeso do pecado.
            Se escolhermos seu credo e esquecermos do islã
            Seremos o cão que nega o pote de água limpa
            Em favor de uma poça limosa e estagnada,
            E, bebendo imundície, vamos povoar
            A alma com vermes: nosso diamante imortal
            Será mais podre do que a noite intestinal
            Dos vira-latas das sarjetas.

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            https://warosu.org/lit/thread/S12541024#p12546748

            In this speech Malalai, after noticing that many of the girls she is teaching are now able to read, advises them to proceed, to keep reading, for it is, in her opinion, one of the greatest pleasures and mental-activities humans can engage in. The speech is some kind of Ode to reading.

            I apologizing in advance for the awkwardness of the English: I’m not very good with it. The original is in Portuguese, in 12-sylable line verses, but without rhyme ( it’s a blank-verse speech).

            MALALAI: And now that you have learned how to read,
            Read: this is one of the greatest pleasures in life.
            By reading you get to know multitudes of minds,
            You become other selves, taste the flavor of other souls,
            You explore the brains of different epochs, races, dogmas,
            Cultures, beliefs and countries.
            Everything that humanity thought, felt, did,
            Been, won and lost speaks to us in a clear voice
            – In the midst of the stuttering of the ages ruins –
            Through ink: it is the blood of human memory.
            Opening a book is to open someone else's skull
            Without using surgical saws and drills.
            Whoever opens a book lends flesh to a ghost:
            They are the souls of people long dead
            Who are waiting for redemption, seated in the dark, alone,
            Blind, deaf and dumb, but when you
            Open the book, hands that have now been dust for centuries
            Extend themselves towards you, still warm, to
            Caress your heads with tender consolation,
            Or even to slap the cheeks
            And pull the ears out of your dormant minds
            And shout to you: "Wake up, you who are alive!"
            People who read live a thousand lives in one life,
            As if a thousand eyes, a thousand mouths, a thousand ears
            Sprout out of their pores. To read is to discover
            What exists in the wrinkles of the forehead of a sage;
            What is the fire that burns the eyes and what songs are sung
            By the fairies that nest in the eyelashes of the poets;
            It is to see the seraphim that live inside the philosopher
            Playing the sharp and spiked violins of logic
            And the great misty organ-pipe of metaphysics;
            It is talking with kings, sultans and emperors
            Towards which no mortal could approach,
            Who lived surrounded by guards, but that now,
            In the pages of a book, have their hearts
            Cracked open, their pulsations confessing who they are.

            cont.

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            By reading the great authors we see language,
            The medal and central aptitude of the human being,
            Fusing itself to the greatest of inventions: writing.
            To see this wedding being modeled
            By the ablest of hands, by the hands of poets
            It to see the impossible crown itself with the possible,
            To see the cat of the common verb turn into a tiger.
            The workaday language, who could only walk,
            Now is a ballerina that dances, spins and jumps;
            The idiom that, with effort, might be able to run,
            Now flies, and it is as if it could drink coffee
            With the constellations, hear their secrets,
            And make their fire dress with human language.
            Reading is the medicine and gymnastics of the spirit,
            It is equip oneself with compass and GPS
            For the voyage of living, it is the microscope
            That eviscerates the cells of being, it is the telescope
            That hunts for stars of truth in nights of ignorance.
            Great books are diving equipment,
            The scuba and flashlight with which we can
            Submerge in the mysterious oceans of the soul.
            To read is to fly in a balloon over the continents
            Of human history and see its shores and landscapes
            Become alive once more, it is like freeing
            Antarctica from the ice specter that suffocates it,
            For reading is to melt the white and mute crust
            Of oblivion: the warm breath of life
            Rises from this thaw and down below we see
            Fates that have long since been completed
            Waving their hands to us once again, their circles
            Dissolved. Therefore read, my girls.
            To live more, to know more, to be more and to feel more, read.

  2. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    I hate this b***h.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      You’re the only one.
      She was a pleasant woman by all accounts.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      You must be really sour.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      Why?

      • 2 years ago
        Anonymous

        Because she writes.

      • 2 years ago
        Anonymous

        Wasn’t she in breakfast at Tiffany’s? Which was a masterpiece as a novella but then they put in that horrible Mickey rooney or whatever as the buckteeth japanese guy which was really horrible

        • 2 years ago
          Anonymous

          >Wasn’t she in bleakafastu at Tiffany’s? Whicha was a masterapiecu as a noverra but then theya put in that holliburo Mickey looney o whatevel as the buckuteefu japanese guy which wasa learry holliburo.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      #metoo

      Why?

      she unironically believes she is pretty but it's just because the camera angles and the director
      sure it's the same issue with a lot of actresses (e.g. Anya Taylor Joy or Ana de Armas), but Audrey somehow manages make girls believe that her artificial charm transposes beyond the screen and there is no need for any effort except obedience

      • 2 years ago
        Anonymous

        No, she was genuinely charming.
        And lots of people found her beautiful enough to film her that much. The jealousy is getting a little troony in here. You best stop.

        • 2 years ago
          Anonymous

          >beautiful enough to film her that much
          since when was that a measure of beauty?!
          I watched Roman Holiday twice and the second time I could only feel disgust
          she obviously was not repulsive in proportions, but her physiology gave her away... hence why I brought up Anya and Ana

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous
        • 2 years ago
          Anonymous

          Love her. There’s something of those Kazak or Mongol girls in her features.

        • 2 years ago
          Anonymous

          She looks like Tatoo girl, that Amelia actress, forgot her name. Tatoo is much prettier tho

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            >Tatoo is much prettier tho

            Nah

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            It hurts inside me like a cave of longing carved out of my entrails to know I will never have so beautiful a girl as she was in her prime.

      • 2 years ago
        Anonymous

        AI confirmed that Audrey is basically the most aesthetically flawless female who has ever lived. Having perfect facial genetics isn't something you can fake with camera angles.

        • 2 years ago
          Anonymous

          her face is too big for her head idiot

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            AI is smarter than you. Also post breasts.

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            I like Audrey body
            but AI struggles with head
            either head is too big (though face fits it) or head normal size but face doesn't fit it
            don't know what advice to give

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            >welcomed.
            All of Japan designs their animation after her

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            that is a nice insight and it's admirable, but considering that Japanese face designs either are of proper size (wrapping around skull and not just placed in front of it) or have the right idea (in more abstract designs) the people drawing them probably finished arts academia first
            it's true that Aubrey's head wraps around the skull -- way better than the alternative that the face sits on the front of the skull -- but it's WAY TOO BIG

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            It’s apparently part of what makes her adorable. Petite, elvish.
            Me, I just like brunettes

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            >petite, elvish, brunette, playful
            >petite, elvish, brunette, annoying
            believe me, there IS a difference

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            Yes. You are annoying

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            I had you at the first puddle

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            Donno what you're talking about

          • 2 years ago
            Anonymous

            She does

  3. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    stupid IQfy poster

  4. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    to key the sneed
    to get it keyed
    feels like defeat
    i bet you're praying

    to say the least..
    the single side

    flesh rotted off that joke, says I
    revealing a door
    out of that plateau
    the skelly key and he
    went, direction north
    the Tree was there
    just as before
    as always every time
    cycle rhymes follow
    rhyme 'burrow' with 'sorrow'
    and pass by as a Scythian
    year zero

    reducing everything to sneed
    unkeying: force fields
    are strong
    im so gone, im offensive to look at
    but when I put my glasses on
    I see flesh busy. That
    is pretty cool, to see features
    otherwise it's all too misty
    and demons-fears get me dizzy
    vertigo and me watching floors
    they don't move
    i'm that stupid fricking fool
    camera rolls inwards and inside out
    ive been coping by clowning out
    and the mask has grown tight
    but im not in that flesh anymore
    sitting right in front of the centaur
    who's bringing meds from the drugstore
    to seed and feed -- the Chuck's law
    told you that there are two Gods
    and they are on the same side:
    the BOG bros.

  5. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    When Prometheus was condemned to the rock, it was he that was joyful rather than the gods as they both knew what he set in motion could not be stopped. Just as the gods consumed the titans, and the titans split apart Earth and Sky, so too would mankind consume the gods. Indeed, Prometheus sat on the sidelines of the war because he knew the titans’ fates were sealed the moment Kronos birthed Zeus as all creators are fated to be butchered by their creations. From equal parts cosmic misanthropy and profound mercy he hatched a plot to end this cycle. In blessing a species as limited and numerous as man with fire, he ensured life would end with his damned creation - man would never enjoy victory in the way the gods did due to his frail nature, and slowly the fire would consume him before he could create his replacement. He knew this. The gods knew this. And as the world grew cold and silent eons later, Prometheus and the vulture, his now treasured companion, smiled warmly.

  6. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    suffer posting will get you nowhere

  7. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    Naturmort... What's the word --
    Lebend. I'm learning German,
    bros.
    willing=creating
    Bereit.
    It's been a while like endless ages
    Dispossessed of mind
    'DUUUDE I WON A CONTEST 100 DOLLARS DUUDE'
    Affects cling like colonel major
    Payne. You see? I blew it
    Back to my muck. Ailments.
    Now I knew it.

    Centre of gravity the fiat faith of Naturmort going
    Lebend.
    Memories of that movie I am Legend
    Where Idi Amin doing his immanent thing
    (Or whatever.) Feverish dreams.
    Real krazy.

    Affects ar emons. Counter affects: waves of the
    http://ocean
    They roll in and roll out as breaths of the divine
    That's a start: in little things diligently try
    To follow my own word. Said to myself: nice
    Brb on God.

  8. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    Aubrey Hepburn was the founder of The “Alldeutsche Gesellschaft für Metaphysik” (All German Society for Metaphysics), later renamed the Society of Vrilerinnen Women, better known as the Vril Society, which was a spiritual/metaphysical group involved with mediumstic contact with extraterrestrials from Aldebaran “Alpha Tauri”.

  9. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    Spilling clown-nosed coils into the night - plush, parping and honking at trajectories which spiral up to the sky. Octopoid twists and twizzles rushing one upon two out of THE smallest car. The surroundings become clogged with tentacled pratfalls. Scatterings of purple limbs contract together, compress against the ground and then spiral upwards in bursts. At the centre of the kinetic frenzy, brake-light beams are cut into ribbons- obscured and revealed with each octo-beam intersection.

  10. 2 years ago
    Anonymous
  11. 2 years ago
    Anonymous

    When some character is having a spiritual/emotional revelation:

    She turned and saw the puddles, and the puddles resembled Man. Both made by the sky and cast to the earth. Both weak, unlike the storm. Brief, unlike the ocean. Shallow in joy, in truth, and in fate. Yet for those with eyes to see, and wisdom towards love, they reflect the sky and bring a sight of heaven to the world.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      Good but a bit on the nose by drawing it out. Maybe cut
      > Both made by the sky and cast to the earth. Both weak, unlike the storm. Brief, unlike the ocean.

      • 2 years ago
        Anonymous

        Thanks, I'll try to work more on it.

  12. 2 years ago
    Frater Asemlen

    A shadow in oblivion,
    A memory forgotten so,
    Days dark as black obsidian,
    The embers gleam is lost to cold.

    Chanting a song of transience,
    In fantasies of brass and gold,
    I walk in halls so halcyon,
    Where centuries are lost to mold,

    Where wizened statues rust to dust,
    Characters fading on broke bowls,
    The lantern’s vibrant lustre but,
    A daze of lethargy aglow,

    I sit and drink with shadow friends,
    And wonder over timeless scrolls,
    As the dark vault flames astral jets,
    Tracing out letters in my soul.

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      liked it Anon

    • 2 years ago
      Anonymous

      breddy kewl

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