I used to read Cosmo mag a lot when I was a kid. All those raunchy pieces of sex advice sent my ignorant, virginal little brain into overdrive as I made a point of storing this undoubtedly useful and very practical information into the depths of my mind for safekeeping until the day I could actually use it.
It’s hard to say whether I changed or Cosmo did (me, definitely), but now that I think about it, the women’s magazine had some of the actual worst relationship advice anyone has ever perpetrated unto this earth. Advice so bad that if you tried to carry it out, your crush/SO would probably cut off all contact with you and you’d have absolutely nobody to blame but yourself.
1. Sex tip! Stab him with a fork!
2. Nothing says flirty quite like “hey, I think your dad molested me?”
3. If anyone you know calls themselves a “twentysomething YOLO Princess” turn the other way and run like hell.
4. Always pick a dude based on which direction his feet point.
5. God forbid you actually pay for your own meal?
6. Donut dick FTW.
7. Eating pizza in bed is a “sex move”, apparently.
8. Good way to make your crush hate you forever.
9. Wait the octopus Emoji means horny?
10. “Look! Over there!” gets me every time.
12. Sure, you’re not obligated, but no reason to be a penis bully about it.
13. Even hot girls? I refuse to believe it.
14. Wait, you mean like, compliments?
15. Finally! I can decode my man!
16. Science! He knows it! Teach us more!
17. This is a fantastic way to force your boyfriend into breaking up with you, BTW.
18. I choose option C. Definitely C.
19. In case you were having too much fun during sex, install a weirdo arbitrary number system for maximum confusion.
20. “Vaginas are sexier than a sense of humor” SMH.
21. Now you know to limit your bathroom breaks to two, maximum.
23. If he has a penis, he’s probably a cheater so find a penisless man and you’re good to go.
24. “Because you’re the little spoon.”
Yes, this is real. Read the remaining reasons if you want your eyeballs to roll so far into the back of your head they’ll never roll back.
25. No, seriously! He wants you to change him! He can’t figure out who he IS without you!