Scared to love anyone again

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      I recently turned 16 and just got out of a serious relationship. When I was 15 I knew I had found the perfect guy for me. We were both in band and talked on occasion. But soon afterwards we started talking more and more. We had so much in common in what ridiculous. We became best friends and talked to each other every day and every night. I knew that he would be my perfect guy. About two months later we were offical. I was never the type to wear my heart on my sleeve but with him I did. I let my guard completely down with him. I had never felt so happy and wanted and loved by one person. And my parents and I at the time never really saw eye to eye on anything and my nana had just passed so I was going through some hardships. He never left my side and I grew more and more attached to him.

      I did’nt know I was capable of loving someone with so much passion at my age. I always felt like I was on cloud nine when I was with him. And when we were’nt together I felt incomplete. My friends and family noticed this soon because when they would talk to me I was always in a daze. I knew we were going to last. He was a senior and about to graduate and everytime I brought up the subject of him leaving he never really wanted to talk about it. He said he did’nt like the thought of not being with me. We went through so much together and got through every challenge we faced which reassured me even more that we would last.

      As the time crept closer for him to leave for college, I noticed things started changing. That’s when I started getting anxios and nervous. He broke up with me a few weeks before he had to leave for college. He said he wanted to break up before he left because he didnt want us to end badly while he was there and how he was going to be busy and wouldnt have time to talk to me anymore. I took it pretty hard. I went completely m.i.a. I sank into this depression and cried myself to sleep for days hoping he would change his mind.

      But while he was gone we still talked and we skyped and I saw that he had my picture up in his room. His friend told me how he would get excited everytime I called. He also said we would get back together. For the first couple of weeks everything was great and slowly but surely we started losing communication and he rarely came home on the weekends so I never got to see him. We got into arguements and things took a turn for the worst. Alltogether we just stopped talking. And that hurt more than anything. Within two months of him leaving he found somebody else. I was hurt and still am. All of my insecurities came rushing back all at once and I still find myself asking questions about me not being pretty enough or if she has something I dont that makes him want her more.

      It’s only been four months since he left for college but I’m still in love with him even after all the hurt he put me through. I can’t seem to move on from him and he’s moved on just fine. I find myself not trusting anyone anymore. I have no intensions of being in another relationshship or falling in love again. I honestly don’t have any intensions on loving anyone else again because I’m afraid if I do then I’m going to end up hurt again and I can’t take another heart break like that again. Mainly because I have’nt healed from this one. I’m scared to love anyone again but I still hope that one day he’ll love me again. It’s like waiting for something you know is never going to happen.

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