Poor choices

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      I wonder sometimes if this is why some females attach themselves to men who are jerks. I have consciously told myself that I could never love this guy but he’s tolerable. So I married him! And divorced 4 years ago.

      I am older now and for the first time in my life I went out with a man I knew that I could love, I was vulnerable to and yes I fell in love with him. When I realized I was in love with him I told him (after a year) and he didn’t respond in kind. Since that day I ran from him and by the time he told me he was in love with me and just as afraid, it was too late. We had broken up for so long I was too afraid to go back. I even told him not to contact me again.

      Now I am so afraid of him I can’t even go anywhere we used to go or visit my sis and sister who live in the same town he is in. I still cry at anything that reminds me of him. It’s been 8 months and it still hurts like it was yesterday. I made him mad so there is no going back and I know he doesn’t want me back. He was just as afraid and I hurt him.

      The thought of going to see him sends me into a panic. Going to public events where I don’t know everybody takes courage. Of course I look for him all the time when I do so I ruin it for myself.

      I wish I had insurance so I could go to a therapist. I’m not getting any younger and I shouldn’t be letting this rule my life. I’ve tried anti-depressants, but I hate the way they make me feel.

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