paralyzed mask

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      Masks. i don’t believe that i’ve ever being either totally honest nor trusting towards anyone period. Family, friend nor foe. None.

      raised in a strict christian background and a twisted family that birth me not out of love but more of responsibility because coming of age, lived in a country where homosexuality is viewed as a laughing stock or shunned by most if not all and deemed illegal by country law…which makes any activities or movement impossible to be expressed let alone protested

      always been an observer in life. where people crowd in to a new fad, i seem to be observing in the sidelines. discovered that i am different. people no matter how much of an outcast, would have at least a support or someone to share their tears and fears with.

      unable to share even the simplest of trust let alone love. for some reason, i don’t have any real friends whom i can share my true feelings with, even classmates of any form or potential *friends* eventually just left and find a new friends and share life together

      always envy every other normal couples who displayed their PDA openly. a kiss, a hand to hold, an argument or even break up. i had none to begin with. not even a friend whom i can confide in.

      fearing love and life became a conditioned lifestyle as the same as breathing air is to me. crushes comes and go, even had 2 – 3 serious unrequited loves that lasted 4-5 years without any confessions as i know any that escapes my lips will immediately loses any *friends* that knew the *me* that wore a face that i show to the world

      experiences of people i know finding im queer? yeap…and they never see me the same again, shunned me, isolate me from their friends

      painful experiences? seeing someone you love; love others – aid someone you love to patch their fallen apart love life – requested by parent(s) of someone you love help to aid them in advising to let go of their love and watch over/comfort them after break up (while knowing both your love and their love personally) – receiving news that someone you love got engaged/married – seeing someone you love get married and have children etc which of all the above i have to endure seeing, masked without showing any signs of breakdown, experiencing it with other *friends* who cheered for their successes, leaving me all broken or should i say paralyze in fear or broken without anyone knowing that i had any feelings

      holidays, occasions, where lovers crowd and show their affections or care while i put up a *brave* face seeing how lovers get together all mushy or watching love scenes from any form. or that people who wanted to care for me ask how am i, reassuring me that whatever im facing is just a passing phase

      extremely tired, paralyzed to my core while showing the world how *fine* or *happy* i am. when all i did was falling in love.

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