My dysfunctional family

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      I will admit I am deathly afraid of love. I will admit when I have a problem. It’s literally taking over my life mentally and socially.

      My family members have made me afraid to fall in love. My father abandoned my mother, leaving her to rely on my step-dad who is a verbally-abusive, childish man; my grandfather cheated and abandoned my grandmother multiple times only to come back like nothing happened and my grandmother letting him back in each time; my cousin killed his girlfriend.

      In addition to that, many people have used their time to make me feel worthless and unlovable.

      In my senior year of high school I began to attract different types of guys, and I knew that they liked me. But I avoided them at all costs and acted cold and distant to ward them off.

      I do the same now as a college freshman. I feel like I don’t deserve anyone. But at the same time I want someone to care about me so much.

      But when I picture a guy telling me he loves me, I picture myself losing it: my eyes becoming wide with fear, stepping back away from the guy screaming “Get away!” while holding my arms out in defense.

      I’ve witnessed some things, but I don’t know why it’s affecting me out of all people like this. To the point where I don’t want to bother getting to know anyone, particularly guys. I wish I was a normal girl.

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