I have it

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      I’m 20 and I’ve been through a certain number of relationships by now, most of which have been unsuccessful, and to some extent have left me an emotional wreck; and I’m talking about the long-term effects, not the short-term effects.

      Only one relationship for me was the best of them all, and it was a long distance relationship; afterwards, mostly every other relationship I had, or tried to have, ended badly; although, even the relationships I had before the “big one” were pretty bad.

      Today a girl asked me out; I’ve noticed that she pays me more attention than normal, and that there’s a good chance she likes me. She’s great. When she asked me out, at first I was a bit happy (because I’m mostly cynical), but then I started feeling sick, nauseous to some extent, extremely anxious, and started to panic; the very thought of holding hands, or possibly emotionally committing was terrible and made me want to cancel the whole thing. We went out, and by my standards, it was crap, because of me; because I didn’t act like I wanted to, like I liked her (because I do), because I was too scared to even try.

      I know all this is abnormal and it’s redundant to some extent, to be against emotional commitment because you’re afraid of it; more than that, I’m pretty cynical all the time, and that exuberates my philophobia.

      I don’t want to get help, I just want to hear someone else say something about it; I just wanted to get it off my chest.

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3 thoughts on “I have it”

  1. Hi Sierra.

    I never had any doubt that there are girls out there suffering from this dilemma or problem, although in my opinion it’s kind of worse if a guy reached the point in which he can’t or won’t be with anyone else; don’t get me wrong, I’m not being sexist or anything, but from personal experience and just the way people are – girls are more easy to be brought in this situation (due to their emotional side, which is more developed and embraced than in men), but guys aren’t and it’s atypical. It’s become atypical for a guy to refuse to even have sex (either in a relationship, or in a fling) due to the emotional issues they’ve begun to have.

    All the very best.

    • Guys fight back against sexually aggressive girls anyway as to why girls don’t initiate sex or come on to them. You know how many get raped and murdered for it?

      On the other hand, girls don’t have an emotional side which is embraced, especially in Asian cultures. Girls are taught to suppress emotions by being silent.

      But you are definitely sexist.

  2. I am the exact same way. I actually just had a conversation with an ex last night that led me into believing I fear falling in love. I have had numerous bad relationships and I was so afraid to be in love with the guy that I turned into a complete different person and had my guards up high. I doubt I’d ever be able to love again or it’s just something I do not want…