I don’t wanna be in love again for a while yet

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      I would say that I have a very mild case of philophobia. I am 16 and I’m currently in a 6 month relationship with this guy I like. I’m not in love with him and I don’t know when I will be or if I want to be in love with him. There are a few reasons behind this.

      Back when I was 14, I gazed my eyes upon this guy at my school who was a 17 year old Senior; I couldn’t help but feel this connection and this unexplainable sensation that split second I first saw him. I knew that I had to have him. I met him in a corridor and that sensation just became stronger. It wasn’t until my best friend started talking to him when I actually got to know him better. Unfortunately, my best friend and him started a relationship which really hurt for me.

      The more I helped the guy get through his heartbreak over my best friend, the more I fell for him. It got to a point where I was so madly in love with him; I’m not the kind to take a bullet for anyone, but for him, I was more than willing to. I cried when he was heartbroken or when I thought he was angry at me. If anyone called him ugly which I thought was beyond false, they would get the biggest earful from me. I isolated myself from my friends and family when he stopped talking to me and for the whole time I was in love with him, he was practically the only thing I ever thought about. Just one smile from him made my entire day.

      I finally told him one day about my feelings for him, but he told me that he only views me as a really good friend. At that moment, my vision blurred, my chest area kinda ached and I suddenly felt really cold on a hot day. It was unpleasant; the first guy I fell in love with had rejected me and nothing was a worse feeling at that time. From then on, I guess that’s when I started developing philophobia. I’m still friends with that guy and still care about him so much.

      That’s not to say I didn’t flirt and take interest with other guys after that experience, it was a tad hard to push past my fear of being in love when I did, because I ended up with my boyfriend a couple years later. Now onto the second reason.

      Nearly 3 months into our relationship, this heaps attractive guy I saw around school and after school had been hitting on me. He had showered me so much attention to the point where him and I hooked up (I also gave him a hand job) behind my boyfriend’s back. I know I should have gone on a break with my boyfriend before I did stuff with the other guy, but part of the reason it happened other than impulse was that I didn’t want to fall in love with this other guy. I knew that if I took a break or broke up with my boyfriend to do that, I was most likely going to fall for the guy. My boyfriend knows about the incident, so don’t worry, I’ve been honest with him in that respect.

      My boyfriend and I have been talking about making love recently, but I have been held back for a few reasons, but the main reason being that apparently once you have intercourse with a guy, you will have an emotional attachment to them. The thought of getting heartbroken again from being in love if something happens is a scary thought. I even avoid being nice to him in public and I refuse to hold his hand when we’re out.

      As for now, I’m not that fussed if he hooks up with another girl as revenge for what I did to him and I’d like my feelings to stay that way. My boyfriend suggested help for my philophobia (probably because he’s in love with me and I don’t feel that same way back), but then again, I feel like it’s not necessary yet as I’m only young and it may change over time.

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1 thought on “I don’t wanna be in love again for a while yet”

  1. Hi there. I have philophobia too due to rejection and a fear of emotional attachment. Your story has made me recall the similar incidents i had to yours. I just want to tell you that you are not the only one feeling what you feel. Stay strong and always believe that one day you can love someone back the way they do. Since you two have been together for some time, I think you can try to give your boyfriend a chance. Try loving him. Try accepting his feelings. But only be sure that he will not throw away your love should you ever fall in love with him. Thats the only advice i can give you. I wish you all the best. ~ami