Friendzone, why?

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      I am Joe, and I’ve recently been through a a situation with someone the likes of you.

      To start of, my near decade old relationship fell apart early this year, these things happen and I moved on, slowly getting back on my feet day by day.

      Then a few months later I met a girl I hadn’t seen in like 12 or 13 years. We weren’t friends before, just acquaintances. She is like 5 years younger and we were teens when we met first time around. Just to set a pace, I always felt very intimidated around beautiful women and MY GOD is she beautiful so the first time I never got close, never knew what or when to say something.

      Anyway.. we reacquainted a couple of months ago thanks to a mutual friend in social situation, wasn’t really expecting to see her and could barely remember her by now but when I saw her the world stopped (you know what I mean) the pretty teen had grown into a beautiful woman, smart, educated, funny, a fighter and really sociable and this time we connected. I couldn’t even believe but I’m not that shy anymore.

      So we started talking, facebook, text and one day we hanged out for the first time. Not drinks or anything, Jogging (LOL) we walked and talked more than running but it was great and we set up to meet again.

      At this point I should state that I had no romantic intentions, being out of a long relationship so soon I only wanted to meet someone new, make a new friend and i did.

      So days later we went for drinks late one afternoon to a nice place with a killer view, then dinner. The usual happened, small talk, get to know one another, laughs, sharing and not that i thought that she was the usual “bimbo” but I was really impressed by her sincerity, honesty the way she likes to be in the world, how she loves her privacy and the fact that she doesnt trust people right away.

      Trust is a BIG issue for her and i totally agree. She told about previous relationships and how she got hurt and that “intimacy” is something she doesn’t give right away because she wants to be sure first (her first bf waited 3 years witch i think is great but poor dude). Talked about my previous experiences too and overall connected really well.

      I am not the usual guy in a certain sense, i treat girls the way i wanna be treated, with respect and candor and so is she and after this date i started to develop feelings for her. (SHIT) I took my time because how could this be? i had just broken up not even 4 months ago and i was feeling like this again? Already?

      After a while i figured out that my previous relationship had ended long ago but i was just blind to see it, maybe it happens when you are together for so long and now i was falling again. But i had to be sure…

      So we kept talking and going out and i slowly found in her a fantastic friend, listener and the more i new about her the more i wanted to now and her trust in me grew, she would confide things i never expected she to and she wouldn’t back off until eventually it became impossible for me to keep my feelings to myself.

      But before i go on i must dwell into the her trust issues, this is a strong woman, she doesn’t back down on a challenge or play hard to get. She even practices martial arts but she has a real problem she is afraid of getting hurt! Well we all do and even i told her that. I think this is a part of her defense mechanism and that’s good!

      She once told how she wished to be more like her friends and fall for every cute guy that comes around but she can’t and i told her that’s not bad! That defends her from being hurt ALL THE TIME and how the makes her realize who really likes Her and who doesn’t but still her last few BFs cheated on her and she has been alone for the last couple of years. (personally i think they cheated because they get sick of waiting for sex).

      So one day i told her how i felt and she was overwhelmed, she could stop blushing and my heart was ready to burst but there was no immediate response (OMG) but i am not in a hurry. At this stage i knew what she is like and i gave the time she needed to think.

      So we kept talking and going out. One day we were all set to have cofee and a couple friend of hers calls to go to the movies, she calls me back apologizing and asks me if i wanna go? (DO I) so i went. Everyone was late and no movie so we hanged out at the mall, guys talking and girls checking out shops (typical) we had some ice cream and it turned out to be a real fun night!

      The next day sometime in the afternoon she texts me telling me how last night was wonderful (yeah) and i’m such a wonderful guy, fantastic actually but..she just doesn’t feel that “click” (FUUUUUUCK) she told me, and if she could rule her heart she would be with me right away but unfortunately the world doesn’t work that way.

      I totally understood even if i was falling apart. I mean we had it all to work out but it just wont happen and we are both adults and I get the message but next she tells me that we shouldn’t even continue to be friends cause she has been there before and we will end up hurting each other or i’ll get a girl and wont talk to her anymore! (WHAT?!) and that this would be a friendship motivated by my interest in her! WTF?

      Now in the past when this kinda stuff happened to me i would not face a girl anymore, it would get…weird you know but with this one i couldn’t back off so i told her “look we started of as friends and that is what i will continue to be first and foremost, sure there will be a part of me that will always look at you deeper but that doesn’t mean i wont be your friend like i have been so far and i’m not hurt that you don’t feel like i do but telling me you do want me as your friend! or that i’m only a friend cause i want you! that hurts”

      She didn’t mean “not friends” but we agreed to continue as friends cause if i haven´t been like any other guy she has met then why would I be judged or treated the same way and i believe over time she would see this.

      So moving on, we kept talking, she moved away a few blocks up town and i helped her (she confided to me she was moving on the first date and i offered to help out) never crossed any lines, been to the theater together, the beach and last week we stopped talking for a few days cause she is in finals in college.

      So in our last day together we were at the beach and she tells me “hey you know how i go every summer to the south with family and mom works in restaurant? i always have friends over so if you wanna come by for a few days you´d be welcome to”

      (OMG) I kept cool and said yeah i might turn up i have family a few towns over and haven´t seen them in almost year so i might do that thanks!!! She immediately says that she loves that town too and she would love to go out some night there too but has no place to stay so i’m thinking “look i can talk to my family and you can meet me there and if its ok with them for you to sleep over than you can.” This was all hypothetical but she was happy about it and we would see.

      During the course of last week my aunt who i hadn’t seen since last year turns up at my doorstep and we went out, talked the whole day and of course i asked her about the possible stay over. She agreed of course. So couple of days later i text her asking how are the finals coming and that had some good news so we arranged to have coffee.

      I get to her place and she isn’t home, she’s at the coffee shop with a girlfriend (weird could have told me she knew i was coming). Ok no problem. I get there and small talk and tell her about it “hey remember what we talked about in the summer? my aunt showed up and you´re cool to stay over the night if you want too” No big deal right? WRONG.

      She looks at me and goes “aren’t you like planning a little to far ahead its like in a month and half still?” I was like “i’m not planning anything its just that the person that owns the house turned up and i mentioned it that’s all and i’m telling so you know”

      Ok at the time it was ok and we left separately but that answer lingered in my head. So i text her at night “hey i hope you don’t think i was crossing any lines this afternoon but i just wanted to tell you about it” Replies back: “I just think you are planning to far ahead and you could have saved that talk for when we were alone (i think this is the problem)”

      One thing i noticed over time is that she loves her privacy and hates giving people the wrong idea like that we were anything more than friends. So i texted back: “look i just thought you should know that’s all but after all you invited me to come over in the summer but if you don’t want me too i don’t wanna impose or hassle in any way”
      Text back: “Are you being arrogant right now? i don’t need this not FROM YOU. And you know what stop sharing quotes and music just WITH ME on facebook i’m nothing more than a friend and it doesn’t make sense. And the same way i invited you i take it back now it was a bad idea so forget about it.”


      (i should explain you the FB part. A few days earlier i posted a picture on her FB just for her to see, i mean the sharing options were set so she was the only one to see and she totally new i was gonna do that but the problem was that for the next 2 or 3 days all of the few things i posted had the same sharing option i never changed it! so she thought i was sending her like underlining messages which i wasn’t)

      So, after the “arrogant” i call her up to tell her i’m not being arrogant at all and this sprouted a 2 hour long call in which the “we shouldn’t be friends stuff” came up again. That we had been either talking or dating everyday for past couple of weeks and we are just friends and nothing more and… i totally got it.

      I had gotten it when we talked the first time about it a month earlier so i ask: “have i been chasing you around? NO Have i been bringing the subject up? Have i made you uneasy? NO So whats up?”

      The first day we were at the beach she was a little uncomfortable at first and she even stated how i made her feel better and how much space i gave to be at ease. SO what the hell?

      To sum it up (once again) “if i am different and make you fell good and we talk (HOURS ON THE PHONE) so much why would i be the same as those others that you pushed away? why would i hurt you when i don’t wanna be hurt? and the only way to prove ill be a good friend as i have been it is over time. and if i’m not giving you space freaking tell me! i rather you telling me than not”

      By the end of the call her tone went from mad to puppy and she told again i’m a great guy but i give to much of myself and i’m too honest with my feelings and i told her that’s the way i am and that’s the way i want people to be with me and my honesty with her was a reflection of her honesty to me so..

      Ok we agreed to continue but we needed some room and this was 3 days ago and we haven´t talked since. She is still having some finals and i’m being respectful (as i always have).

      But a few questions linger in my mind: I adore this girl and we have always been honest and i respect her wishes but have i crossed any lines?

      She’s so afraid of getting hurt that is why she doesn’t move on. Have i been getting mixed messages? i mean she didn’t push me away after i told how i felt so what?

      Is she philophobic?

      I know she is afraid of getting hurt and i am too that’s why i don’t hurt women and i get that she doesn’t feel the same as me but i must confess I don’t feel like i can or should give up on her. I’m not gonna be the stalker but something inside me will always be ready for her to show her that men are not all alike but until then i will remain respectful and a friend.

      Is there a future to this friendship? I mean we had it all to work out or am i deluded? I’m keeping and will continue to keep away until she feels like talking again.

      Thank you so much for reading and forgive me for the long text but there was no other way of explaining myself. Please let know what you think. By the way, english is not my main language.

      [editor’s note: thanks for putting me through hell, guy.]

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1 thought on “Friendzone, why?”

  1. She probably is philophobic. I’ve recently come to realize I’m likely philophobic. Many of my actions are similar to hers. The fact is, it’s down-right terrifying and mortifying–not just scary, or frightening, or some other mild term–to admit your feelings for a person, especially if you have even just mild philophobia. It’s like you’re giving them power over your life.

    I don’t rightly know if you should continue, or give up. But it sounds like she at least has some form of attraction to you, even if she can’t bring herself to admit it to anybody, herself included.