I believe in true love, but i don’t think i’m capable of being in one

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      I’m 20 and I’ve never been in a relationship. I want to and like to imagine myself being in a loving relationship and all the warm feelings that come with it. But when I get close to someone I feel kinda disgusted.. like “I dont like this” “I wanna end this”. I already tried..

      I feel like love will makes me weaker in front of other people. I believe in true love, however, I’m afraid that I’m not capable to find one. I feel like my partner will never loves me like I love him or my love for him will be gone in a few months. And also it’s so hard to believe in other people relationships like when people announce their love to the world, I often think “it’s just a phase.. they’re gonna be broke up later” or “I dont think they really love each other that much”. Also I never made first move.

      I do have several trust issues like never put my expectation high on people or most people never show their true color to the world.

      I dont know why I become skeptical about love.. My problem is actually kinda similar to most people here, but the difference is that I don’t really know the reason why I became like this. I don’t have problem with my confidence, I’m not afraid of guys in fact I talk to them easily. My friend said that I have cheerful personality, but maybe that bcs I never told them things like this bcs I’m afraid that I’m actually overreact or they will think that I’m being dramatic.

      i don’t have any problem within my family or my non-existent love experience.. my parents were in a loving relationship till my father’s death 4 years ago and my mother still loves him no matter what and refuse to get remarried although she already have many suitors.. am I philophobic? I want to have a loving relationship..

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2 thoughts on “I believe in true love, but i don’t think i’m capable of being in one”

  1. Hey, looks like we are kind of in the same boat. Especially the part whereby we don’t know the reasons for our fear of commitment.

    I really believe in true love too but everytime I picture myself in a relationship, I kept thinking that good things will never last for e.g. sooner or later, one of us will cheat on the other or one of us will pass away or something like what you described… I am very afraid I will end up loving someone more than they love me too. Whenever anyone starts to show even a tiniest bit of interest in me, I will scram away so fast that they don’t even have time to blink. And if you happen to be my friend, I am sorry, but consider our friendship just ended. I am ashamed to admit it but I will become mean to them too if I suspect they want get closer to me.

    It is not even the commitment part, I also have trouble with just starting a relationship, even if it is a platonic one. I don’t have a long-term friend and I try hard not to be a member of any clique or group. I never experienced the best friend concept and did not even have a good friend. With friends, I stopped communicating with them the moment I can and if I have no choice, I will interact with to a bare minimum. I really want to have at least a long-term friend very much and I tried but it never worked out because I am so afraid of truly getting close that I push them away or give them the cold shoulder and I try to keep our conversations to non-personal stuff. Now that I look back on it, I think I only ever had acquaintances. I really want a good friend though.

    I sort of have trust issues too, I have a terribly negative view of people such as thinking they will blindslide me with something bad one day or that they are always talking behind my back..as a result I never really communicate with anyone beyond the superficial level..hell, I don’t even trust my family at an acceptable level. I have trouble saying ‘I love you’ to them too. I have hard time showing my emotions and feelings to others too as I think it is a weakness to reveal any sentimental thoughts. I also think love makes me weak as it makes me vulnerable.

    However, all my ‘friends’ say that I am very friendly..probably because I flit from group to group. I have no problem striking up a conversation with anyone and I make ‘friends’ very easily. At least they think of me as a friend because initially they will invite me to hang out..I reject most invitations though because most often I end up having no fun. I seem to only excel at making initial temporary friend as not even one week later, our budding ‘friendship’ will fizzle out, mostly because I only kept to supercicial talk and allow conversation to cease. So there, I have trouble having a friend, much less having a partner.

    Same as you I don’t know why I developed this kind of behaviour…maybe it is the influence of certain books and movies but idk. My family is kind of loving too and I am quite sure I have never been exposed to real life negative events…I have been trying to figure this out for a long time and still can’t pinpoint the reason. I hope you manage to find your reason and that in time, I will find mine too.

    It is really a weird experience to have, being reluctant to have a relationship without knowing the reason why. It made me sad because I truly wish to know what it feels like to love and open up to someone or simply have a good friend by my side. I sure wish the reason why I turn out this way will pop up on its own..and goodluck finding yours too..it has been good to rant

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